He can not continue at our expense…

Life has a way of rushing by and I am so afraid J is going to wake up and realize that his friends have moved on. They will be getting married, buying houses and starting families. They will be building a credit history and a work history that will carry them through the rest of their lives while J sits paralyzed by fear. He doesn’t want to deal with his past but he can’t move forward with his life until he does.

He has student loans that he refuses to call on because he doesn’t know what to say. WELL, I don’t know what to say either, that is why you call and try to figure out every option available. Pretending it will all go away is just complicating things more. The job situation is the same, it seems he is unemployable only I don’t believe that. He says he is applying for jobs all the time, but is he? He still needs to pay off fines or be in violation of parole. His parole officer said she would try to help him get a job through the employment office only he never followed through with that. He will have to deal with her at some point but I am sure he will be his charming self. Telling her he thought he had a job but it didn’t work out and he will promise to go to the employment office and then waste his time not doing much of anything. Sporadic jobs here or there to earn money for his own pocket and then nothing again.

I guess he really doesn’t have to because he lives in a 4 bedroom colonial with a swimming pool and jacuzzi . He is always able to find someone to take him where he wants to go. His friends pay for him when they can and he has a refrigerator filled with food. He is never cold and never hungry and always has a warm bed to sleep in. Part of me wants to drop him off in the middle of the nearest city so he can really know what it is like to be in survival mode….to be starving and cold, not knowing where to spend the night.

I want J to be happy and have fun in his life but he can not continue to do it at our expense. I suppose I can throw him out and hope he swims but what if he doesn’t? What if he drowns? What then?

The bigger what if may be “What if I don’t do anything, will anything change?”



About madyson007

I am a mom of 4 who thought she was home free when my oldest son went off to college. My serious blunder? Genetics and being naive or maybe just plain stupid.
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8 Responses to He can not continue at our expense…

  1. Gal says:

    Famous Weight Watcher saying: If there is no change, there is no change.

  2. Debby says:

    I have been silently reading your blog, and holding you in my prayers. J and my son share much in common. Fortunately, my son finally got a job as a busser in a restaurant. He’s paying us rent. However, he recently relapsed and is back on track. What I mostly share in common with you, is that I see my own son becomes paralyzed with fear. It’s like, they cannot cope. My son has collection agencies after him, for a hospital bill he can’t afford to pay. He’s avoiding making the calls, though I’ve coached him. It breaks my heart. I wish I had something profound to say about his living conditions– which sound perfect. I began leaving a list of daily chores he had to do to be a big help around the house–or face eviction. How I pray for you, Mom. I feel your hurt and anguish. We love our kids so much, and the addiction holds us back from blessing them the way we want to. Rescuing them is in our other’s instinct. Keep blogging. Keep venting. I am in no position to advise you what to do. I take each situation one day at a time, and there isn’t one standard answer. Just know that I’m reading and thinking of you.

  3. Syd says:

    J has it good. No need to change with all that is provided. Helping is doing something for someone else that they are unable to do for themselves. Enabling is doing things for someone else that they can and should be doing for themselves. Something to think about.

  4. Jeff says:

    I first became aware of your blog when you came to a board that I frequent about addiction. I used to read everyday. I purchased a new computer nearly a year ago and for whatever reason, your blog did not make it into my bookmarks and I sort of fell off as a reader. Funny thing, while I never was a soap opera watcher, don’t they say about them that you can stop watching for a year and pick right back up when you come back? So it is with what’s going on.

    I’m back to get caught up but see nothing really has changed beyond J is in remission at this point. Otherwise you continue to be the one that worries about J’s life – J seemingly could care less. You are stressed. You are involved. You are trying to improve his life. J, he just does what J does. Why is that and more importantly, how is that working for all of you?

    I think it is awesome that J is sober right now but also think it is scary as hell that he is not actively doing anything to remain that way. That is often the first start of a relapse. It only takes one little slip and bam, right back again. I have a close friend that has a “J” for a son. I watch as he wastes his life away each and every day, while his parents argue about how to deal with it and eneable him to live at home, pay for his phone, pay for his car, pay for his food, on and on. Has no job, looks for no job, wants no job.

    I think you know what you have to do – deep down you know. You just can’t bring yourself to do it. Clearly you are not doing J any favors by continuing to enable his life like this. Most certainly him being sober is huge! – Huge! But you don’t control that either – which you know. But by doing the same thing and expecting different results, you are not helping your son. Setting a date, perhaps May 1 and saying J, that is the deadline, make no mistake, one way or another you will be out of the house on May 1 could very well be the best thing you can do for this young man. He may thank you for saving his life a few years from now. The only thing worse than J staying in this lifestyle for another day is staying in it for two more days. It doesn’t sound like he has anything OUT OF HIS CONTROL that is keeping him in bed until noon and on the couch until midnight plus. It’s not like he is disabled or anything. He has struggles, but so does everyone else. I’m a 20-year addict with a felony conviction too, but I have a six figure job and my past rarely if ever causes a problem and if it starts to, I get that in check very quickly. Now, I never sold, never stole, never shared, etc. so my conviction was not of the type that lands someone in jail or makes them an outcast. At least that’s how I look at it – then again perhaps that’s the point. However, I’m “only” sober 28 months. I’m twice J’s age but also more than twice the addict he was – at least time-wise. His pasting is only hindering him to the point that he allows it to – and you allow him to allow it to.

    I can’t go on and on and you’re likely already pissed at me – in fact you can often tell how accurate your comments are by how upset the recipient is about them. I just find it really sad to have returned after a year and pretty much find nothing – at least not much – has changed. I truly hope that changes and something does change soon! Because if it does not, weeks will have become months, months will have become years and years will have become a lifetime, and you’ll still be hoping for and writing about the same things. Don’t let that happen!

    • madyson007 says:

      Ok I give him the date of May 1st. He is still unable to find a job that we can get him to but he remains clean and helpful working sporadically locally….being a great big brother and helping me with everyday chores. Looking like healthy young man who wants to work but can not find a job.

      Getting a job local is crucial because I can not quit my job to get him to his and he has NO other way of getting there. So it has to be fairly local either early in the AM and or when I am home from work.

      So May 1st comes, He packs a suitcase and I drop him off in NYC because they have lots of homeless shelters and say Love Ya, Good Luck!

      What exactly is it you think I should do?

  5. Joy says:

    I understand where you are standing. We are there too. My boy has been clean (from heroin) for just over 11 weeks. He’s using alcohol instead. And he has tried to move his girlfriend (of only 3 months & 2 weeks) into our house.

    Feels like walking a fine line on a razor’s edge sometimes. He’s lost his job. His car insurance will lapse next month I’m sure. And we’re fighting tooth and nail just to get the girlfriend to go home at nights before 10 pm. He “needs her”!!

    It’s so difficult to know what’s enabling, what’s a boundry, what’s healthy tough love, and to not to be vindictive in anger. I’m confused. But we’re trying to be firm in our boundries and hope he will see that he needs to be sober. (which we tell him every day)

    We are terrified that if we drop the ax on the girlfriend coming over at all he will use.

    Praying for you and everyone else affected by the addict they love.

  6. Gal says:

    Jeff’s comments are painful for all of us to hear, but so true. The best insight I ever received regarding my daughter’s addiction came from a recovered longtime addict who was in an Alanon group I often attended. Jeff, thanks for the addict’s perspective and for making me take a fresh look at how I continue to aid and abet by covering some of my daughter’s old medical bills. She works and lives on her own, so there’s no excuse. It’s easier to pay than to confront, but that’s not good for anyone.

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