My daughter had a cheerleading competition in Atlantic City. It is a long drive so we decided to spend the night, leaving J in charge of the dogs and his little brother. I know, brave of us right? The thing is I really did trust him and didn’t worry at all. I can tell when J is on the right track and has his “shit together” for lack of a better word. I can also tell when things start to unravel for J. I wish he could recognize how good things can be when he is on the right track. His eyes are just so crystal clear and his attitude is so beautiful. He is so kind and willing to help and really be there for all of us. It must feel really good to him, because damn it feels really good to watch and be a part of it.
I think a lot about relapse lately. If you read my blog fairly regularly you can see this topic thread its way through everything I write lately. I don’t apologize for it. I think I need to look at it from a lot of different angles. I am hoping that by blogging about it, I might find some peace…so far no luck. I have rationalized that by detaching I will not be wrapped up in his relapse or sobriety and I know that is the general idea for health in the Ala-non world, it is not working out for me all that well. J’s last relapse ripped my heart more than a little bit. I tried desperately to pretend that all was fine because I was detached and not invested and to a certain degree that is more true than in the past. If it had not been a singular event, I would have HAD to kick him out of my house for my own sanity. So I guess that is progress but the devastation would have pierced my heart and left a whole that I am not sure would have ever healed. I can not seem to un-invest in his recovery and it feels dangerous. Repeating this event would make it not singular…then what?
I am also happy that J has found a lovely girl to hang out with. They dated for 5 or 6 months when he was in highschool. He was a junior in high school and she was a freshman in college. When they broke up J was extremely hurt but he eventually moved on. Ultimately he ended up at the same college she was at, but by then it was long over and more of a coincidence of majors and wanting to be at a competitive college. So, she never saw him unravel that year because that was the beginning of the end of the life we had planned for J or J had planned for himself. She stayed and graduated with a business major and is looking for a new job but living on her own for several years now. She is beautiful, personable, smart and exactly who I could pictured my son one day marrying or someone like her. Which brings me to…what does she know about J’s past? This is definitely not any of my business what he shares with her but I am very curious. I don’t think they are serious or even exclusive at the moment…which is the way it should be but I am happy he has someone special to spend time with. I am a firm believer in “Behind every good man is a good woman”. I have already witnessed what a weak woman behind a good man can do…and it isn’t pretty.
So bare with me as I obsess about why some addicts relapse and some recover and never look back…