I can’t seem to put my finger on it…

My entire married life I have never doubted my love for my husband or his for me. I have gotten mad and in the heat of the moment had thoughts of  “What if I did not marry the boy next door?…” but who has not gone back and looked at major forks in the road and wondered what if? So umm, what is going on?

I was looking at Valentine’s Day cards today for my husband and had some, well for lack of a better word…difficulties. They are all divided into categories like, romance, humor, children and a ton of other sub categories like husbands, kids and wives. Each year, I enjoy finding a special card for my husband that will mean something to us both. Promises are written, love professed and whispers of future passion. So, why could I not bring myself to buy a single card for my husband? Why could I not find anything that rang true. I could not find a single card in “Romance” that felt right…Heck I couldn’t find a humorous one.  Are these feelings temporary or have my feelings for my husband some how changed? What is different? I can’t seem to put my finger on it and it scares me.

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About madyson007

I am a mom of 4 who thought she was home free with her oldest son when he went off to college. My serious blunder? Genetics and being naive or maybe just plain stupid.
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9 Responses to I can’t seem to put my finger on it…

  1. Lisa says:

    I can!!! The emotional and physical drain that parents of an addict go through puts a profound strain on the marriage. Although the bond you share in the fact you share an aching for your child that noone else can understand, there is also a wall up too. I think, secretly, we look to or at each other as culprits in what has become if this child we raised. We may not say it out loud…but we do think it. But in reality we did not cause it and blahblah can’t cure it or control it etc. We need to remind ourselves and each other that in the end our son or daughter can get clean, incarcerated, or I won’t say the third. If we don’t find a way to lean on each other and work on our marriage … What becomes of us when one of the three prevail! Work on it of you can and if it’s worth it. God knows its a struggle for us as well but I will keep trying. Our son has told me numerous times he wants us divorced and for him to be with just Dad. Of course he does! The naive one would be a trip to live with. For that alone I’m not gonna let it happen 😉

  2. Barbara says:

    I’ve never been married so I don’t have words of wisdom here, but what Lisa said rings true. I know this is not an equal comparison on any level, but I’ve lost my passion for many things over the last few years (including men/dating) and wonder if it will every come back.

    What you have with your husband is special. The “what-ifs” are natural and maybe even healthy to have now and then. Perhaps you just need to spice things up a bit – go away for the weekend just the two of you and surprise him with some super sexy lingerie. I don’t know….don’t listen to me! I have no idea, but that’s what popped into my mind.

  3. HBSad says:

    I agree with Lisa. Had a whole comment here and then lost it, but basically, i feel like the collateral damage is far reaching and lingering. This disease of our daughter’s, almost ended “us”. We are redefining ourselves and our relationship now, but there are places we will not go in conversations, regarding “The Past” because there is indeed a lot of harbored blame. My daughter even tries to revisit it, and we finally agreed to just not discuss that anymore, but to leave it in the past. It can’t be changed. Like Ron has said, the concrete has dried!

    As a practical thought, I get around the lack of appropriate cards by simply declaring cards to be kind of a waste of money – I just make a gift card with scrapbooking supplies that is appropriate and attach it to a gift DH has wanted, a book, a movie with popcorn and his favorite snacks and an offer to watch it with him, and I often make up a certificate to attach to the gift, or print on the back of the gift card “good for dinner for two at X restaurant – come hungry!”

    One of the ways we deal with the emotional landmines we encounter when trying to live life as normies, is to redefine what is OUR normal! He loves his gifts/cards that I make. Taking care of the “new US” is our focus now. I don’t know if this made sense, but I do understand what you are feeling.

  4. Syd says:

    Sometimes life gets in the way of keeping a relationship healthy. It may be time to look at how to bring it back to life. We have had to do that many times.

  5. madyson007 says:

    Sounds like good advice thank you guys!

  6. sheila says:

    Lisa hit it right on the head for me. Our daughter’s problems did our marriage in. But our marriage had issues to begin with. Our marriage was like a building with a crack in the foundation. It sat there for years, looking fine, but the earthquake that our daughter’s addiction created was enough to bring the whole building down. I was willing to rebuild, but he wasn’t.

    So I moved on. Daughter is still living with Dad in a codependent, dysfunctional relationship. I have a new man who adores me and we are engaged. Sometimes I still feel guilty about the end of my marriage, but it’s water under the bridge now.

  7. Sue G says:

    I am a word person, so cards are very important and what they say is very personal to me. I cannot and will not “lie” in a card. I can’t do mushy if mushy doesn’t apply. And I can’t thank my husband for things he may not be. But I CAN thank him and honor him for who and what he truly is. The trick is finding a card that conveys those things. This is very difficult to do because the card business puts cards out there to feed the idealistic beliefs we have about relationships, not the true relationships we struggle with to work through. Thus, your problem with finding the right card.

    Why not write a note inside a generic, blank Valentine card. Say what is meaningful to you, whatever that truth may be. Is he doing everything he can to the best of his ability? If so, say it. If not, say that and say that you pray he will become more adept at facing the needs of his family and stepping up to help meet them. Whatever is on your heart, express it.

    I think you love the man you married. I just don’t think you knew a lot about the man you married…a lot was hidden and didn’t surface until many years later. Right now it is difficult to love your life, so how much more difficult must it be to love the people in it??? At the bottom of your heart, you love him. You just don’t like him right now, and you don’t like the choices he is making. You particularly don’t like the role model he is for your kids, the one who sits in judgement of them and their choices while making bad ones for himself all the time. You don’t love the hypocracy (however that is spelled!).

    So, in truth, simply state that you are committed to love…on Valentine’s Day and every day. That you will support love, love that nourishes and supports growth, love that honors God, love that provides hope and possibility. Anything less–any other kind of love–falls short of your expectations and simply doesn’t measure up.

    Most of all, I think you want to ask him what he is willing to do, if anything, to be on the same page as you when it comes to the challenges that you face as a family. A valid question. And one in which the answer will provide you with the info you need to move forward…whether that is together or apart.

    May God bless you and keep you. And may you understand and support the generosity of your own heart. It is a beautiful heart, Maddy, one that should be allowed to freely love and be loved in return.

  8. I’ve been exactly where you are… There is no right way to feel — it’s just what you feel. I found it best to get a blank card. Don’t leave it blank, mind you.

    But how about a simple gift inside – like movie or game tickets.

    When I couldn’t proclaim my love, I tried to remember the silly things, that used to make me smile — asides my daughter calls them, when she writes them all over my cards.

    Sometimes that can mean so much more. xoxoxo Sue

  9. Barb says:

    Really like the idea of writing your own personal message in a blank Valentine card. It means so much more.

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