I think this is somewhat of a losing battle and I am afraid for my little ones. My kids are growing up experiencing the same exact cycle that I did. I have no idea why I never made that connection but truly I didn’t see it until I wrote those words in my last post. My 8 year old thinks that tension and anxiety are a normal part of life. When my husband screams for J to get out of the house and not come back, he spends the night wondering where is his brother and will he be back? He verbalizes it….”Mommy, will J ever come back?”, “What did he do now?”, “You don’t know….maybe that stuff you found is old”! I was not even aware that he knew we found stuff…I know he doesn’t know exactly what it is we are talking about but clearly he grasps the significance. He defends his brother! When did this happen?
My oldest daughter is in a relationship that she sees as normal. It is not. He comes from a messed up family that is every bit as dysfunctional as ours. He is a nice boy with some great qualities but he comes with his own baggage and a lot of it. I just wanted so much more for her. I think unconsciously she feels she is unworthy of a healthy normal relationship, where she is treated with respect and treasured as a gift. Or more likely she doesn’t recognize that what she has is not normal. I don’t want to share that part of her life on here because it would hurt her deeply…so I will not go into details. Out of the four of my children she is me….she is the one that tries to do right. She is the one who really just wants to be invisible, do the right thing always and not do anything that might be construed as bad. She is everyone’s everything…my shining star, her fathers biggest hope and a faithful sister to all her siblings except maybe J. She loves J she just doesn’t know it right now. All she sees is the hell of addiction that emanates from all things J…sober or using those memories are clear.
My 12-year-old obsessively turns to her friends for companionship. She would really rather be anywhere but here. When we do allow her to have friends over she is compulsive about cleaning the house and making sure everyone is on their best behavior. She lives in fear that we will embarrass her beyond repair. I worry about what or who she seeks out for comfort or release from the anxiety and tension that covers are house like a fine mist working its way into all the nooks and crannies of her life…all of our lives.
Addiction is so rooted into our lives that it is whats normal. My husband and his childhood, My brother and my childhood, my son and now my other children are all tangled up in roots that are so deep that to untangle or cut and sever could quite possibly damage the core of this family and make it unrecognizable. How do you stop a cycle that has been perpetuated for generations. I love my family and make no mistake I love my husband dysfunction and all. Do I destroy a family, a marriage, our lives in an attempt to stop the dysfunction? I am really at a loss here. This seems like an all or nothing kind of decision…because I don’t know how to allow my husbands addiction to continue while throwing my son out for his.
I want to make this very clear. This blog is mainly about my son’s addiction. BUT This post goes much deeper than that. I will take responsibility in my choice to perpetuated dysfunction by choosing a union with my husband that continues to spread those roots of addiction into my children’s lives. I LOVE my husband and excepted him for who he is, my biggest mistake is not understanding how insidious addiction is and how it would continue to haunt our lives and dig deep roots that continue to spread into my children’s lives and most likely beyond. Truly this is my biggest blunder…