Truly this is my biggest blunder…

I think this is somewhat of a losing battle and I am afraid for my little ones. My kids are growing up experiencing the same exact cycle that I did. I have no idea why I never made that connection but truly I didn’t see it until I wrote those words in my last post. My 8 year old thinks that tension and anxiety are a normal part of life. When my husband screams for J to get out of the house and not come back, he spends the night wondering where is his brother and will he be back? He verbalizes it….”Mommy, will J ever come back?”, “What did he do now?”, “You don’t know….maybe that stuff you found is old”! I was not even aware that he knew we found stuff…I know he doesn’t know exactly what it is we are talking about but clearly he grasps the significance. He defends his brother! When did this happen?

My oldest daughter is in a relationship that she sees as normal. It is not. He comes from a messed up family that is every bit as dysfunctional as ours. He is a nice boy with some great qualities but he comes with his own baggage and a lot of it. I just wanted so much more for her. I think unconsciously she feels she is unworthy of a healthy normal relationship, where she is treated with respect and treasured as a gift. Or more likely she doesn’t recognize that what she has is not normal. I don’t want to share that part of her life on here because it would hurt her deeply…so I will not go into details. Out of the four of my children she is me….she is the one that tries to do right. She is the one who really just wants to be invisible, do the right thing always and not do anything that might be construed as bad. She is everyone’s everything…my shining star, her fathers biggest hope and a faithful sister to all her siblings except maybe J. She loves J she just doesn’t know it right now. All she sees is the hell of addiction that emanates from all things J…sober or using those memories are clear.

My 12-year-old obsessively turns to her friends for companionship. She would really rather be anywhere but here. When we do allow her to have friends over she is compulsive about cleaning the house and making sure everyone is on their best behavior. She lives in fear that we will embarrass her beyond repair. I worry about what or who she seeks out for comfort or release from the anxiety and tension that covers are house like a fine mist working its way into all the nooks and crannies of her life…all of our lives.

Addiction is so rooted into our lives that it is whats normal. My husband and his childhood, My brother and my childhood, my son and now my other children are all tangled up in roots that are so deep that to untangle or cut and sever could quite possibly damage the core of this family and make it unrecognizable. How do you stop a cycle that has been perpetuated for generations.  I love my family and make no mistake I love my husband dysfunction and all. Do I destroy a family, a marriage, our lives in an attempt to stop the dysfunction? I am really at a loss here. This seems like an all or nothing kind of decision…because I don’t know how to allow my husbands addiction to continue while throwing my son out for his.

I want to make this very clear. This blog is mainly about my son’s addiction.  BUT This post goes much deeper than that. I will take responsibility in my choice to perpetuated dysfunction by choosing a union with my husband that continues to spread those roots of addiction into my children’s lives. I LOVE my husband and excepted him for who he is, my biggest mistake is not understanding how insidious addiction is and how it would continue to haunt our lives and dig deep roots that continue to spread into my children’s lives and most likely beyond. Truly this is my biggest blunder…

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About madyson007

I am a mom of 4 who thought she was home free with her oldest son when he went off to college. My serious blunder? Genetics and being naive or maybe just plain stupid.
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8 Responses to Truly this is my biggest blunder…

  1. Annette says:

    I can relate to so much of what you are saying here. Some differences but generations of addiction and its affects on me and my family. I have to say though that how does it all end up on your shoulders and being your most serious blunder? Haven’t we all, or at least you and I, as you strike me as a wonderful loving parent, haven’t we done the best we knew how to do? There are NO perfect families and I think teaching our kids how to recognize, acknowledge, and navigate their families dysfunction is a huge gift. Of course unless there is abuse going on…..that changes everything. But every family has their stuff to deal with and eventually our kids have to make their own decisions and choices as to how they want to live their lives. We don’t get to control all of the outcomes….even if we did a perfect job as a parent, our kids still have a free will to choose the direction their lives go in. Our spouses get to choose what kind of a spouse they want to be also. As do we. Its not all about you and what you did or didn’t have figured out, my dear. You did the best you knew how to do.

  2. Dawn M McCoy says:

    Ahhhh. Damn. You know what my choice was sweetie. It didn’t save the other kids, but it did minimize the damage done. Only you can make that call. Sacrafice the few for the many, or the many for the few. Solomon’s choice, and it isn’t simple, or pretty. As you said, you signed on for the husband, knew what you were getting into and felt you could handle it. I wish life was easy and I had easy answers. But I don’t and it isn’t. I just know it got easier. It was kind of like cutting out a cancer. I know, I know, it sounds so harsh that way. But everyone was just, …calmer, happier, more carefree. It is what it is for the addict, and it is what it is for us, as well.

  3. Syd says:

    The impact of alcoholism and addiction on families is huge. And the damage starts early. There are good programs like Al-Anon and Alateen that can help you and the children. I wish that I had known about both much earlier. It would have helped me not to be so angry and to be kinder to myself. With me, it was the striving to be perfect and hoping that others would like me that truly indicated that I felt terrible about myself. That was a result of growing up around a drinker. I know that going to Al-Anon has made a lot of difference in my life now.

  4. Barbara says:

    Its heartbreaking to read this…your family, and so many others, are suffering from the worst disease ever (imo). Its definitely a family disease. I don’t know how you feel about Al-Anon, but when I finally found a good meeting this week I could tell its going to help me. They talked about themselves vs. sharing war stories about their kids drug use.

    No one on my side of the family struggles with any type of addiction, but Keven’s dad is a big time alcoholic. He’s never around his dad but maybe there is an addiction gene, cause he seems to have it.

    I think of you and pray for you DAILY, even when you don’t write. Wish there was a solution that was not “all or none”. I totally get how that feels….it rips you up inside. I never had to worry about Keven’s addiction affecting siblings, so I can only imagine how it hurts 😦

  5. My heart goes out to you. This is an emotional exhausting disease and when you are dealing with the ironies of father and son, it just adds that much more stress. It is a family disease and affects everyone. I agree with Syd about Al-Anon and Alateen An objective professional may be able to help as well. I believe family members have a hard time dealing with the addiction because they are so close emotionally and are in pain. Best of luck to you and your family.

  6. I agree w/ Cathy …exhausting disease. It however is not your blunder nor is it mine to own. Our addict family members bring their disease to the family in the same way someone with cancer does. It affects us all in a million diff. ways…none of them ever too pleasant. Hang in there. PEACE AND STRENGTH

  7. Cheri says:

    Praying that the cycle of addiction will be broken and that you and your husband and the rest of your family can experience true freedom in Christ. It can happen. I am praying for it in my own family. I’ve seen the cycle broken for myself and one son, but the other is still using. It hurts. I’m sorry for your pain.

    Hugs,
    Cheri

  8. Amy says:

    January 5, 2012 at 10:15 AM I feel your pain and pray it gets better for you. It is such a vicious cycle. My Grandma is an alcoholic, my dad is a recovering alcoholic, my ex husband is an alcoholic and our son is in recovery from addiction to oxycotin. It feels like a bottomless pit. My ex husband is an ex due to his alcoholism. I couldnt stay-it was too damaging for my children and myself-since their dad did not acknowledge he was an alcoholic and therefore thought he did not need help. I tried for years to stay but finally gave up. My son was 18 and addicted to oxy
    and I was sending him to rehab but I was still living with an alcoholic that wouldnt even acknowledge his problem and continually pointing the finger at his son. It was the hardest time of my life-I so understand your pain and torment. My son is now 20 and has been oxy free for over a year now. My daughter who is 11 and suffered thru this as well is doing great. She now understands addiction is not normal-she understands her brother is working to stay well everyday and her dad is still very sick. That was my decision and it is working for my children and I. I still pray everyday that it continues to work. Ultimately your decision is yours and you have to decide what you think is best for you and your family. I will be praying for you.

    Reply

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