I come to find out that my son’s recent relapse is directly related to my husbands past and apparently still present “issues”. I am not sure why but I am much less comfortable sharing my husbands “addiction issues” with the world…so you all are going to have to use your imaginations to fill in the details. Let’s just say that they both made very poor choices…that could have lead to God only knows what. Neither was really aware of the others culpability in the event. I am also beginning to wonder how singular an event this really was for J. DAMN addicts they always think they are smarter. They always think they know better. Freaking IDIOTS!
Maybe I am going about this all wrong…maybe I should go through life in an altered state. Maybe that is the answer. I don’t drink, smoke or take anything more heavy than a Tylenol PM. I have always felt the need to remain sober. I think it is a reaction to my husbands “issues” that were certainly there for me to see before we got married which I chose to ignore. Actually I don’t think I ignored them at all…it just must have seemed normal to me…after all I had grown up with an addict in the next bedroom. A constant state of anxiety was a way of life. My brothers addiction had such tragic consequences that it left an undeniable imprint on my soul. My oldest brothers addiction was so all consuming of my parents attention, that I felt I had to be perfect.
Perfect when I was little meant being invisible…trying hard not to draw attention with any behavior that could be construed as bad. I look back now and think, how anxious and tense I was a good part of my childhood. Perfect now means being a good mother and a good wife…ENABLING. I think if I can’t stop the enabling maybe I should try dulling it with a little white wine. Passing through life blissfully unaware and not caring has to be much easier than dealing with all this BULLS#*T.