I guess nobody is guaranteed a tomorrow…

The magic is gone  and in its place the realities of addiction, relapse and sobriety. Believing has once again become a chore. The self control it takes for me not to stare at my son’s pupils, read into his sleeping schedule, search his pockets, messages on his phone and oh how the list goes on. I am exhausted just from my effort not to act on some of these thoughts.

J seems fine but hell I thought he seemed fine the day before disaster struck ? So what the hell do I know? The uncertainty is so unsettling. I had grown complacent in the past year. I let down my guard. I BELIEVED. Now? I don’t know what to think. So I spend a good portion of the day trying not to think. I need a nap from all this non-thinking I have been doing.

If J can’t live here anymore just what exactly does that mean? It all seems so muddled now. Not using and not working….definitely cause for celebration and some consternation. Not using today but who knows about tomorrow and not working…no celebration going on and a lot of warning bells and whistles sounding.

But I guess nobody is ever guaranteed a tomorrow…gives new meaning to the “one day at a time” mantra I have been force feeding myself for the past week.


About madyson007

I am a mom of 4 who thought she was home free when my oldest son went off to college. My serious blunder? Genetics and being naive or maybe just plain stupid.
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7 Responses to I guess nobody is guaranteed a tomorrow…

  1. AJB1126 says:

    Oh Madyson, I don’t know if you remember, but I’ve commented a few times on your posts. I still read you ALL the time (thank you so much for your blog..it means more than words can say)…I still relate to everything you write, and my son has followed very similar steps your son has, right up to the relapse during this holiday. I am so sorry for you and I know your pain intensely, as I feel it myself. My son does not live with us though, as he has been on his own since we told him he could not live with us anymore last February. He wandered around and finally called my husband to bring him to the hospital for detox for 2 weeks in March. We thought he was getting his life on track, with AA and NA meetings, actually found himself a place to live, started taking a new antidepressant/anti anxiety med AND got an online data entry (part time only) off the books..but I saw signs these past two months that showed addict behavior..everyone kept saying I’m over worrying..even my husband wanted to believe that I was wrong..back in August, out of the blue, my husband almost died from blocked arteries due to broken neck which we didn’t know about(!)..thought my son was okay though all this, now my husband is scheduled for complicated spinal fusion surgery after living with a neck brace 24/7 since August..I thought we were finally turning a corner with some “good luck” and literally the day after Christmas, we find out that he told his cousin he was using again. My fear was confirmed but my heart is broken. I hope your son gets back on track. My son is STILL in the denial phase of not admitting he has a problem, even after all he lost. It wasn’t enough for him to not start again. I will be thinking of you (as always) and your family and pray your son finds the inner strength to help himself. I wish I could write like you do. The one day at a time goes through my mind all the time..hasn’t gotten any easier yet. I have learned SO MUCH from the blogs and the comments but it is still so painful. {{Hugs}} to you.

  2. Syd says:

    Be good to yourself, Madyson. Love and be gentle to yourself. You wanted to believe that things were okay. That is a good thing. And hopefully, one day things will be okay for your son.

  3. Dawn M McCoy says:

    Having the addict leave your home does not keep you from worrying about relapse and all the other things BUT it does take them right out of your face, take the pressure off and allow the rest of your family (and YOU) to return to a normal life. Maybe you can help him find a sober living environment. Even if u cannot, you can’t Control it, you know the three C’s. What you CAN control is your own home environment, and your sanity.

  4. abby says:

    This is crazy. I stumbled upon this through a recovery website and started reading. I don’t know why but for some reason I feel DEEPLY connected to you Ma’am. I was raised in an Irish Catholic house hold in Boston, MA and I knew nothing but family secrets and closed door disasters. I am an addict. I am an alcoholic. I also celebrate 7 months sober next week. It’s not that I had things tough, I went to a private all girls high school, a prominent catholic college; I worked full time in an office and played soccer. I picked up using and nearly gave my life to it. My addiction destroyed everything I had,my relationships with people, my self worth, my health. Unlike you, my mother refuses to see that I have a true an honest addiction because it is easier to sweep it under the rug. My disease is ugly and progessive without AA. I got clean to save my life, and things changed. I would love t o talk.

    • madyson007 says:

      Hi Abby. Thank you for reading my blog and I am glad it touched you in some way. Congratulations on 7 months clean that is truly an admirable accomplishment….you must feel really good. Can I ask you how you connected to me through a recovery website? I would love to see it. Contact me anytime.

  5. Lou says:

    Addicts stay clean in rehabs, jails, etc. because of structure, and they are not left to make any decisions for themselves. The reason they relapse outside highly structured environments, is because they have to make daily decisions. They are not good at that, which is why they turn to drugs to ease their discomfort with the world. You are encountering the same problem we had–we have lives, we have jobs, we have responsibilities. We don’t have the time to make our homes structured enough so the addict doesn’t get in trouble. We had the additional burden of having to drive the addict everywhere to “keep him busy.” (I think it’s the same for you.)

    I’m all about providing support, love, safe place for recovery, etc. But I think they are better off in a sober home environment, where it’s set up to keep them from making bad, impulsive decisions. Someone is babysitting them, so to speak.

    Just my 2 cents.

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