The magic is gone and in its place the realities of addiction, relapse and sobriety. Believing has once again become a chore. The self control it takes for me not to stare at my son’s pupils, read into his sleeping schedule, search his pockets, messages on his phone and oh how the list goes on. I am exhausted just from my effort not to act on some of these thoughts.
J seems fine but hell I thought he seemed fine the day before disaster struck ? So what the hell do I know? The uncertainty is so unsettling. I had grown complacent in the past year. I let down my guard. I BELIEVED. Now? I don’t know what to think. So I spend a good portion of the day trying not to think. I need a nap from all this non-thinking I have been doing.
If J can’t live here anymore just what exactly does that mean? It all seems so muddled now. Not using and not working….definitely cause for celebration and some consternation. Not using today but who knows about tomorrow and not working…no celebration going on and a lot of warning bells and whistles sounding.
But I guess nobody is ever guaranteed a tomorrow…gives new meaning to the “one day at a time” mantra I have been force feeding myself for the past week.