Come a little closer now…come closer. Are you ready? Lean in…I’m going to whisper the word. Ok here it goes…
Relapse. :o( <—— This is suppose to be an unhappy face….not sure what that is.
He is not currently using and it was a singular event. I am beginning to not like Christmas and sadly I use to think it was one of the most wonderful times of the year. What is it about the holidays that makes an addict fall apart? I just don’t get it? I am not in a panic but I am deeply wounded. I can see that he is sober now just as easy as I saw he was not and we drug tested him just for kicks. The story goes ran into a friend at Walmart…FREAKING Walmart??? “friend” asked I said sure and BAM end of story. He says there was absolutely no for thought or planning and I believe him. There was also no after thought either. He looked me in the eye and lied through his teeth. I knew in a two second glance that he had used but he was sticking to his story that I was imagining things, PMSing and crazy…he tried a bunch. None of them worked. It wasn’t until I started putting on my boots at 9:00 pm that he fessed up. He knew I was heading to the pharmacy for a drug test. I am devastated and confused.
Now what do I do? That was days ago…He is not using now and obviously had not used before that because there was zero withdrawal. He was so remorseful as they always are. Throwing him out seems harsh for a one time offense after almost 1 year of being sober but what kind of message am I sending? Use once no problem I will look the other way so you can do it again down the road. Or am I being compassionate and his remorse of loosing all that clean time is enough? What is a proper consequence? I just want to be grateful he is not out on a bender while I try to put my happy face on for the rest of my family.
Happy face is hard to come by right now and that is sad for the rest of my family because as you know, often the mom is the one that sets the tone in the house. My tone right now is tense, snippy, exhausted, frightened and angry. I asked J what will prevent you from falling under this spell again…ya know the one where you just go for it with no before or after thought. How the hell am I suppose to just get on with that hovering over my head??? What makes today different from that day? What am I suppose to do, not ever take you to Walmart, the market, Mac Donald’s or what ever? WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO THE NEXT TIME YOU BUMP INTO SOMEONE FROM YOUR PAST HELL!
What if this is not singular event…what then? What if I am really in hell now and I just don’t know it yet?
Disclaimer: I will never post again how great things are going because it is the KISS OF DEATH…just sayin’.