I am going to let you in on a little secret…

Come a little closer now…come closer. Are you ready? Lean in…I’m going to whisper the word. Ok here it goes…

























































Relapse. :o( <—— This is suppose to be an unhappy face….not sure what that is.

He is not currently using and it was a singular event. I am beginning to not like Christmas and sadly I use to think it was one of the most wonderful times of the year. What is it about the holidays that makes an addict fall apart? I just don’t get it? I am not in a panic but I am deeply wounded. I can see that he is sober now just as easy as I saw he was not and we drug tested him just for kicks. The story goes ran into a friend at Walmart…FREAKING Walmart??? “friend” asked I said sure and BAM end of story. He says there was absolutely no for thought or planning and I believe him. There was also no after thought either. He looked me in the eye and lied through his teeth. I knew in a two second glance that he had used but he was sticking to his story that I was imagining things, PMSing and crazy…he tried a bunch. None of them worked. It wasn’t until I started putting on my boots at 9:00 pm that he fessed up. He knew I was heading to the pharmacy for a drug test. I am devastated and confused.

Now what do I do? That was days ago…He is not using now and obviously had not used before that because there was zero withdrawal. He was so remorseful as they always are. Throwing him out seems harsh for a one time offense after almost 1 year of being sober but what kind of message am I sending? Use once no problem I will look the other way so you can do it again down the road. Or am I being compassionate and his remorse of loosing all that clean time is enough? What is a proper consequence? I just want to be grateful he is not out on a bender while I try to put my happy face on for the rest of my family.

Happy face is hard to come by right now and that is sad for the rest of my family because as you know, often the mom is the one that sets the tone in the house. My tone right now is tense, snippy, exhausted, frightened and angry. I asked J what will prevent you from falling under this spell again…ya know the one where you just go for it with no before or after thought. How the hell am I suppose to just get on with that hovering over my head??? What makes today different from that day? What am I suppose to do, not ever take you to Walmart, the market, Mac Donald’s or what ever? WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO THE NEXT TIME YOU BUMP INTO SOMEONE FROM YOUR PAST HELL!

What if this is not singular event…what then? What if I am really in hell now and I just don’t know it yet?

Disclaimer: I will never post again how great things are going because it is the KISS OF DEATH…just sayin’.

About madyson007

I am a mom of 4 who thought she was home free when my oldest son went off to college. My serious blunder? Genetics and being naive or maybe just plain stupid.
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11 Responses to I am going to let you in on a little secret…

  1. Helga says:

    Yes, I totally get it. That is why I have not contacted my daughter in over four years or vice versa, I just can’t deal with this stuff anymore. I miss her like crazy, especially now at Christmas and her 2 kids, but I’ll be damned to get myself involved in this mess again, when I don’t even know whether she is using or not.

  2. i am so sorry you are not enjoying you holiday with your family. you have 2 beautiful daughters that miss you because all you are doing is focusing on him. trust and believe he will figure it out or he won’t. the thing is it is not up to you and that is the part you are stuggling with, expectations. this is a disease that can be arrested at some point and recovery is possible, however it is one the addict needs to be ready to become responsible for. not you. it sucks, and i wish i could say there was a magic thing that would stop the nonsense. but there isn’t. and now you have to figure out how to surrender your will that you are trying to push on him. you are so obsessed with his life that you have forgetton about the rest of yours. Christmas is a wonderful time of year, i have always loved it. always. i was thinking just the other day i have a sponsee who keeps going back out and this last time she got her grandparents only vehicle stolen. she just doesn’t understand that she has the answer and the power to quit, all she has to do is believe, become willing and try. but it is not up to me and i can not clean up her mess. recovery is an amazing journey, and the other thing i was thinking about the other day is it is like believing in Santa, if you believe then you feel the magic, same with recovery, if you work it, you will see the miracles. i will pray for you and yours to have a merry christmas and to find recovery

  3. Syd says:

    Madyson, I don’t think that there is anything you can do to make him stop or to make him want to stop. He has to do that. The only thing that you can do is to live your life with the focus on yourself. Go to Pammie’s blog Sobriety is Exhausting and read her post from a few weeks ago. Re-read it over and over because it is the truth. Get off the crazy train with him, call his sponsor if he has one, and get some of the NA dudes to do a twelfth step call on him. Then excuse yourself from the craziness and enjoy Christmas. It is all you can do.

  4. Annette says:

    I think as parents we have to remember that they are not “doing it to us.” They don’t use to upset us or cause us pain. It really has nothing to do with us. The act of using is very sad … but nothing personal.

    Relapse is often part of recovery. Its unfortunate that he lied when first confronted. However he did eventually tell the truth, and he has not continued to use. If it were me and my daughter had a year clean and slipped one time, I would not make her leave, right or wrong, I don’t know….but I do know me and I know that a mistake, a slip in judgement wouldn’t be enough to make me make her leave. The goal is progress, not perfection.

    If the behavior continued then of course my response would be very different.

    Bless your mama’s heart. I can hear how disappointed you are, how afraid you are, and how much a definite plan for the future might give you some security. All we can do, all he can do, is live one day at a time. It probably would be good for him to have a plan for the next time he encounters a friend who offers….but its something he will have to formulate. Tough stuff. I am so sorry.

    I am praying for you and your boy.

  5. Sue G says:

    I am so sorry to hear that J relapsed. I know how desperately you want to believe in him…to believe that he wants what you want for his life. And, you know, he may just want exactly what you want for him. This relapse doesn’t mean he no longer wants to be sober. It means he needs to think before he acts. It means he needs to identify why he said yes to his friend. Did he want the friend’s approval or did he want the drug? Or both? I suspect it was auto pilot around this friend and J just wanted to feel accepted. The pressure of being different is so monumental.

    I also think J needs to ask himself if this person is really his friend. I know that if I am addicted to anything it would be food related. I also know that even while I may be overeating and gaining weight, if I ran into a friend who was dieting and was trying to lose weight, the last thing I would ask her would be if she would like to share some ice cream or a 16 inch pizza. My point is this: Real friends want what’s best for you even if they aren’t giving it to themselves. They still want you to succeed. I wonder if J’s friend appreciated that J had been sober for a year…or if he was envious…or if he just wanted to feel better about himself and the way to do that was to help J fail at his sobriety.

    I don’t know what to suggest when it comes to addiction. I just know that the pain and the roller coaster must be a daunting and precarious way to live. My heart goes out to you…and to J. And, as a mom, I know for a fact that while we often detest the choices our kids make, we still love them and always will. Always let J know you love him…otherwise you wouldn’t fight so hard for his sobriety, for his life. And love yourself for your choice to continue loving him.

    May God bless you with wisdom and discernment. May your family move forward taking one day at a time, knowing that God will never fail you, even when you fail yourself. You are doing everything you can to support your son without okaying his addiction…and I think that is admirable.

  6. Brother Frankie says:

    i am so sorry dear one… throwing him out is not harsh.. harsh is suffering consequences for your son addiction.. you need a break. u need some peace… i am praying… (make a meeting ) u are loved…
    brother Frankie

  7. Brother Frankie says:

    oh yeah… singular event is not in an addicts vocabulary and is a fairy tale

    • madyson007 says:

      I don’t think that is necessarily true. J has always been able to stop for short and long extended periods of time. I know that Ron said this was also true for his son too.

  8. Cheri says:

    Praying, Madyson. So sorry. Try not to let this steal your joy.

    Love you,

  9. Debby says:

    Madyson I’ve been following your blog for some time, and I’m sorry that I haven’t been leaving comments. Please know, that I have prayed for you many times. I felt your pain, and I kept thining about you when I first saw this post. I was so busy, scrambling to prepare for Christmas Eve festivities so this is my first chance to write. My son wasn’t with me for Christmas Eve, nor on Christmas Day. . Fortunately, it was because he has to work, though I was still sad he couldn’t be with me. I waited until my son came home, to ask him what he thinks you should do. So, here goes– my son confirmed what my first thought was. My son relapsed, too. So, I had to decide if I throw him out or give him another chance. There is no clear right or wrong answer here. Like J, my son lied to me at first. B says that it is a natural defense mechanism– to lie about it. He says that it’s not a win-win– if he told the truth, he could get thrown out. If he lied, and I found out later, he could get thrown out. He says that lying comes so naturally to an addict. I applaud you for getting ready to go get a drug test.

    I opted to give my son a chance, only because the harm done was to himself. He didn’t steal money, in order to use. (He had a job.) B said it was a friend who offered it. Of course, they aren’t true friends. They’re addicts. They want my son to revert to where they’re at. My son relapsed, and immediately regretted it. He was fighting that battle of to use or not to use. He wanted to be sober, but he wasn’t strong enough. My son has finally freed himself of any friends who want to tempt him. Temptation will come. J needs to find a support system for those times. He has to want sobriety more than anything else.

    Only you can search your own heart, to decide if you let him stay or make him go. This has to be one of the most painful parts of being the parent of an addict– second to only having our child actually die. God forbid. I’ve made my son leave, before and I cried for days. I had to, because he was far too strung out on drugs. After close to four years, my son finally reached his true bottom. He is so sick of the whole lying and sickness that went with his “chipping” (using, then methadone, use a bit, then methadone). That’s why he’s back home with us, but he’s working and pays rent. That was the agreement, and he has honored that.

    In reading some comments that are left, I am nodding my head. “We” understand your anguish. Your need for J to be clean. But, the truth is, only J has that power. Please, continue to blog, and blog what you are thinking. Don’t worry about anyone passing judgment! Vent your feelings, because the support is priceless. You might not get the comments you want, and some might be contrary to what you believe is right. Go with your own heart. I had a lot of people who told me NOT to let my son come home. But, I did and I don’t regret it.

    I pray that you will be able to disconnect from this, so that you can move on with your life. Collapsing around our addict’s life holds us back from experiencing joy. I’m speaking from my own personal experience. I had to finally give all of this to God. I kept telling myself that my son’s choices were his to make. As long as he wasn’t stealing from me, or I didn’t find drugs in my house, he was working and paying rent, then he could stay. if he was getting loaded– that was between him and God, and I was going to stop obsessing with that.

    Today, B says that he could not be where he’s at, today, without my support. I’m so sorry about what you’re going through. I don’t know if you are a Christian– but, if you are, remember that when we give in to fear, then we are telling God that we don’t trust him. Until I laid all of my fears at the cross, I fretted a lot. All I have to do is read some of my older posts and it shows. I pray that you find peace with this. I also pray that J will reach the bottom that he needs, that he can only look up. Blessings, Debby.

  10. onemomtalking says:

    My son Al had what we called “a slip” last spring. It wasn’t a relapse, he got right back on his recovery and he’s doing great. Some addicts in recovery can have a slip. That being said, you have to respond according to your own needs and you have the right to define that need however you need to with no guilt. My prayers are with you and your family always!

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