“A man is but the product of his thoughts what he thinks, he becomes” ~Mohandas Gandhi
I can’t help but think this is true…When I stopped believing that J’s addiction was controlling and destroying my life, I no longer felt like a victim. It no longer touched me the same way. Can it really be that easy? Maybe… but it is just as easy to go back to having those self-deprecating thoughts and become the victim again.
I certainly believe that J is a product of his thoughts. I see him when he is strong and believes in himself and his future…it is so bright and hopeful, I can almost taste his joy. I also see him when he is not strong and has no faith in himself or the world around him. It seems like a self-fulfilling prophecy…his life begins to crumble. I watch now with great sadness, but I am no longer willing to join him or participate in his despair.
I need J to be strong, to know that he is loved exactly for who he is and that there is a future out there for him for him to find. A future that he can make happen by his courage and determination. Those qualities are there, I have witnessed them, they exists deep in his soul…they are still a part of who he is! This is what his self-fulfilling prophecy should be…He is more than just a junkie or even an ex junkie and I refuse to look at him as only that. J will be 22 on October 4th. God must have a plan for this beautiful boy, because I can not believe that this special child was put here on earth to do nothing.
I wish there was something I could do to make that happen but it is not my in my power and I accept that. I sometimes think J is my lesson. A lesson in humility. My hopes and dreams for J were prideful and I think that was a dangerous thing. I don’t have the same dreams for my younger children. I think my dreams now can be summed up in one word. Happiness.