My beautiful boy…what has happened?

“A man is but the product of his thoughts what he thinks, he becomes”  ~Mohandas Gandhi

I can’t help but think this is true…When I stopped believing that J’s addiction was controlling and destroying my life, I no longer felt like a victim. It no longer touched me the same way. Can it really be that easy? Maybe… but it is just as easy to go back to having those self-deprecating thoughts and become the victim again.

I certainly believe that J is a product of his thoughts. I see him when he is strong and believes in himself and his future…it is so bright and hopeful, I can almost taste his joy. I also see him when he is not strong and has no faith in himself or the world around him. It seems like a self-fulfilling prophecy…his life begins to crumble. I watch now with great sadness, but I am no longer willing to join him or participate in his despair.

I need J to be strong, to know that he is loved exactly for who he is and that there is a future out there for him for him to find. A future that he can make happen by his courage and determination. Those qualities are there, I have witnessed them, they exists deep in his soul…they are still a part of who he is!  This is what his self-fulfilling prophecy should be…He is more than just a junkie or even an ex junkie and I refuse to look at him as only that.  J will be 22 on October 4th. God must have a plan for this beautiful boy, because I can not believe that this special child was put here on earth to do nothing.

I wish there was something I could do to make that happen but it is not my in my power and I accept that. I sometimes think J is my lesson. A lesson in humility. My hopes and dreams for J were prideful and I think that was a dangerous thing. I don’t have the same dreams for my younger children. I think my dreams now can be summed up in one word. Happiness.

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About madyson007

I am a mom of 4 who thought she was home free with her oldest son when he went off to college. My serious blunder? Genetics and being naive or maybe just plain stupid.
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8 Responses to My beautiful boy…what has happened?

  1. onemomtalking says:

    A beautiful post from a beautiful woman. Prayers for you and your family on their way as always.

  2. Syd says:

    I think that you have summed up what it feels like to let go and detach with love. Thank you, Madyson.

  3. Helga says:

    Yes, yes, yes! Humility! That is what I try to learn from my experience with my daughter. Humility in every corner around me. I look at people without humility and I think: you never know what tomorrow will bring. Arrogance comes before the fall. I so stronlgy believe in this. You got it. I am glad for you and you are in my prayers.

  4. Barbara says:

    The only hope and dream I’ve ever had for Keven is that he would find his passion in life and pursue it as a career – whatever it may be. I feel the same way about him as you do about J. I don’t think my hopes for him were prideful, but I have humbling accepted that fact that just being around to HAVE a future will be enough. Anything else will be icing on the cake.

    I hope both of our sons (and all the others out there) will find their way and will learn to LOVE themselves and not listen to the negative shit they hear in their own heads.

  5. Deirdre says:

    Well said. I continue to learn the lesson of release….of my son Peter, who like J, is a promising, yet fragile young man. I need to release my money, my career, my house, my future…..It is all quite fragile now, isn’t it? I sometimes need to look up to get a new perspective of other people’s hardships…. lack of food, home, or health….. We are all on this roller coaster….It takes a lifetime to let go….and put our faith in the Sovereign One…. I pray for us all.

  6. notmyboy says:

    You said what I have been thinking. My son is a blessing. His addiction has been a gift in so many ways, as strange as that sounds. When I started thanking God for his addiction, things started to turn around. We can only inspire. We cannot control.

  7. Tori Lee says:

    What a great post and so true.

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