I am selfish and I hate it…

The idea of all of us going into counseling is an excellent idea. The idea of driving J to different places to find a job is an excellent idea and necessary. The idea of adding the job I desperately hope he gets to my schedule…ugh. The implementation of all those ideas makes me want to cry. Add those excellent ideas to commitments that already exist and you have a full time job. MY, Me, mine,——> second full time job. I don’t want to whine because I know it is selfish and I know these things need to get done but I want to go lock myself in a closet with a blanket and a binkie.

I will call next week and see if I can get at least the kids and I into counseling because it is what needs to be done. My husband will not agree and I do not have any energy left to argue about this. I often wonder how people work out all these appointments and commitments into their lives without having a nervous breakdown? I was suppose to schedule a CAT scan for myself, in August and still have not come up with a date yet. How do mom’s do it? I must be missing some part of the equation because I see mothers managing it and in fact doing it quite well. I feel like I walk through life floundering and winging it all the time…I hate it. How do mom’s help their kids with homework, make dinner, do laundry, clean the house, drive to karate, cheerleading, tumbling, grocery shop, the dentist, the doctor, probation, community service…the list is endless and work a full time job?????? NOBODY IS EVER on the same dang schedule. You know when I get into counseling it will be different days and times for us all….forget it, I will just schedule the kids.

I know I am whining and I really will suck up and get it done but I just needed to vent…I apologize in advance for you having to read it.


About madyson007

I am a mom of 4 who thought she was home free when my oldest son went off to college. My serious blunder? Genetics and being naive or maybe just plain stupid.
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10 Responses to I am selfish and I hate it…

  1. onemomtalking says:

    I, for one, completely understand. At some point, after marriage counseling and divorce counseling, school social worker counseling, work, kids, homework monitoring, court for my boys, etc. I just couldn’t stand the idea of ever having to contemplate why I was thinking what I was thinking or feeling what I was feeling. Nope. Couldn’t do it any more. Maybe someday again. But no time soon. God bless you. I’m with you honey!

  2. beachteacher says:

    Any pubic transportation or bus service where you live ? If so,…J should be on it as much as possible to and from work (when he gets a job), in my opinion. Our son took buses for a long time prior to getting his license (and a very crappy car) back. He didn’t like it, but he did do it. I know, for you to now take on all that,…..it IS way too much, definitely. And really,..your husband should be helping too,…..they really can do such things. Mine does all grocery shopping and most laundry. He may not do either just the way I’d do it….but I gave up that perfectionism in the need for help. For whatever reason…he’s much more helpful now that we’re older (and kids raised) than when we/they were younger and all 3 still living here,…in school, sports etc., even though I really needed help then ! Because of my job…I still do,…but at least,(thankfully) am not “carting kids around”(as my husband used to call it) anymore. I feel for you,…it really is all quite demanding. And believe me…I realize that one can’t necessarily get husbands to do something that you want them to,….if so, mine would have done more to help out ,,many years sooner ! Hang in there.

    • madyson007 says:

      No public transportation…ZERO. I guess a cab would come if you called for it but it would be expensive.

      My husband works a lot of hours especially since hurricane Irene. He works for a utility company and literally has not had a single day off since we got back on August 30th. I think tomorrow will be his 26th day working with not a single break. He is cranky and so am I. We are both exhausted. He can be very helpful when he is around…but that just is not all that often.

      Thank you for all your kind words…I always feel better after reading your comments.

  3. Dawn M McCoy says:

    Mady… nowhere did I eversay YOU should be responsible for everything. I would maybe take the time to make a list starting with the local county mental health center phone number on it, followed by the local ( I don’t know what to call it, in our county, it is called CARTS-it’s the little white bus that picks up handicapped people), anyway, even in the little bodunk towns like I live in, they have them. I believe the cost is like $1.00 a trip. Let J make the calls and arrangements…and give him a time limit. One week to schedule appts with the mental health center, outreach, register with the unemployment/job services office, etc. Dam it, it’s HIS disease, not yours! Make him own it!

    Schedule you and the kids when you can. See if the Bair Foundation is in your state. They are in 8 states. They come into your home to do family counseling. Free or income based.

    As always. ‚̧ and (((hugs)))

    • madyson007 says:

      Awe, I am sorry Dawn that you thought this was in any way directed at you. It really wasn’t. I have just been feeling overwhelmed by things lately…work, kids, cheerleading, doctors appointments, and the damn dogs not to mention homework and why does everyone have to eat can’t we just take a break from that for awhile??? LOL

  4. Dianne says:

    “If Momma ain’t happy, nobody’s happy”. Put yourself right up on top of that list.

    J’s a big boy, you’re done with parenting him. Let him figure out how to get a job and how to get there.

    Focus on the other kids. And go slow.

    I a raising my addict daughters three children. I know the stress, scheduling nightmares, doctors, etc. I also have a full time job. Hubby is retired so he helps out tremendously, but still most of the work falls to me. He does take care of the house, the laundry and starting dinner.

    Every morning after getting three kids out of bed, dressed and ready for school I am on the edge of a nervous breakdown.

    I don’t allow my addicted daughter (in recovery for 5 months) to stay at my house. Chaos!

    Your are not selfish. J is selfish because he is an adult but not pulling his own. The kids are needy– because they are kids.

    Vent away.

    • madyson007 says:

      You are VERY right about J being selfish by not pulling his weight. It weighs so heavy on both my husband and I. Watching him do not a lot of anything is extra painful when we are all so exhausted.

  5. Dawn M McCoy says:

    @Dianne. I too have custody of my grandchildren from my junkie daughter. Just to let you know someone out there goes thru exactly the same thing you do every single morning. Feel free to visit my blog anytime. http://daughterheroinaddictsmoms.blogspot.com/

  6. Jade Jagger says:

    We all have to vent, so it is ok, don’t sweat the small stuff ( as in venting ) Half of these women are about to lose their minds, believe it or not! Then, coping techniques, we won’t even go there now!

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