My daughter and I are leaving on our road trip on Thursday…WE ARE BAMA BOUND! We will be traveling in Bellatrix who will be decked out in her new girly pinstripes. I can not think of a single time in my life that I have been envious of my children except once…when we dropped J off at college. I remember looking at the palatial brick buildings with the beautiful white columns and the courtyards filled with teens reading and talking. It was like a fairytale, a new beginning where all things are possible. At first I couldn’t quite put my finger on what I was feeling. I recognized the feelings of being proud of J and excited for him but it took a minute to realize that I was also feeling quite envious. I think it took me a full year to mourn the loss of that college dream and realize that J may never go back to college. That if I was going to have hopes and dreams for J I needed to re-evaluate and I needed to be realistic. My hopes and dreams for J are: He remains drug free, he can take care of himself independently of us, and that he finds happiness.
When I went to college I commuted. I lived next door to my boy friend who was not going to college, and did not want to leave him. I led a very sheltered life and quite frankly I liked it that way. My mother dreamed of me meeting a doctor, lawyer, CEO ya know the usual, getting married and living happily ever after. I had very different ideas, I knew that my boy next door was going to be my husband and none of those occupations were in the cards. Be careful what you wish for…my moms dream and my dreams did not match at all.
My dream for “Bama Girl” is that she finds college to be everything she wants it to be. I have learned my lesson about imposing my hopes and dreams on my children but I still can’t quite help myself. I just think I am a little more realistic in my hopes and you know what? That makes sad. Addiction has taken away my wondrous joy of believing that all my hopes and dreams for my children could possibly become a reality. It has been replaced with: Dreams can be dangerous! Be careful what dreams you impose on others! I am sad about that… It goes against my nature. I know it is probably a more mature way to view life but it really upsets me that I will never again be that person that blindly and joyfully believes. I liked that person she was fun, a little crazy, a person who saw good in all things. There is nothing good about addiction.