I could never understand how all these things happened to poor J. DRAMA, Drama, drama seem to follow him everywhere. He would tell me his version of what happened and I would think to myself…this kid has the worst luck, why do they pick on him…it really wasn’t his fault. What the hell are wrong with all these friends that once loved J so much??? This kid just can not catch a break. It really did not dawn on me…until Dawn pointed it out (pun intended). These things didn’t just randomly happen! They happened because J created that whirl wind of drama that continually swirled around him. They happened because of who and what he surrounded himself with. He was marked. If you look like an addict, act like an addict and hang out with addicts. Guess what? You are an addict! Only all I could see was my college dude, I was blind, but not for long. All of you had no problem pointing out the glaring truth. It was so important for me to recognize it. So thank you all for that.
My son before his addiction kicked in, looked like a college kid, dressed in Abercrombie clothes, driving the cool little VW Passat we got him. This was a handsome boy with a future. ALMOST instantaneously drugs took that look away and replaced it with a skinny hollow shell of a young man. He was marked and what I mean by that is…he could no longer fly under the radar. When he was pulled over for a simple traffic stop. He no longer looked like a college dude, he looked like an addict and was treated accordingly. When he was in a part of the city he should not have been in, with people who also looked like addicts, he was treated accordingly. No skating by with the look of kid who had a future.
What I thought and the way I saw things were ridiculously different. Now that those blinders are off…I can honestly see that J lived in a world of his own creation. What the rest of the world should still understand is nobody started out wanting to live in hell. If you believe that addiction is a disease (which I do), then this hell they are or were living in was not a choice because who would choose to live in hell??????? But, I guess that is a whole other kind of post and where Dawn and I diverge in our opinions.
I guess the point I am trying to make is even when these behaviors change and they look like their old self… I am not sure we are still seeing them truthfully. Maybe we are just seeing them with a new set of blinders on. Now we are filled with hope and see a future where all things are possible but maybe the rest of the world doesn’t? I think when J went out a couple of weeks ago looking to me like the old “college dude”, J was still some how marked by his past hell. Why did the doorman target J and his license? Does he still have a lingering look of something that I thought he had left behind? How was he marked? How did that doorman know, that if he dug for trouble it would show up? (Anyone not familiar with the incident can go back to my July 19th post last month, to refresh your memory)
I personally talked to the police officer involved. J was not taken into custody for anything disorderly. It was simply because the doorman didn’t think that was J in the picture on his license. The J in the picture on his license was from two years ago “the addict” the hollow shell of a young man, maybe that is why the doorman could not believe the young man in front of him. Maybe J looked to alive, to healthy, or maybe J still has not shaken the shadow of his past. I really don’t know? I don’t trust myself or my eyes anymore. Sadly, I am not sure I ever will.