How can I expect anything different…

Is my husband an alcoholic? If you ask him he will say absolutely not and I think it would sound like this…

His rationale is:

  • I go to work everyday and work many hours (and he really does)
  • I provide for my family
  • We go on family vacations
  • We have a beautiful house
  • I clean, cook and do laundry (and he really does…not all the time but he can be very helpful)
  • We have nice cars
  • I love you
  • I am faithful
  • Good Sex

“WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME… I DESERVE A BEER, IT HELPS ME RELAX! JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!”

Makes perfect sense and sounds reasonable doesn’t it? He is not lying about any of his above mentioned attributes. On paper he looks like a DREAM. So why does everyone around him think there is a problem. Why are we all so unhappy. He can be all of the above but also:

  • Verbally abusive and I am not talking about he “hurt my feelings stuff” I am talking about mean, nasty screaming with the intent to hurt until we cry and hide.
  • Our family life revolves around his drinking
  • Going out to dinner? They better serve alcohol
  • Movies? Better be early in the day because they don’t sell beer at a theater
  • Taking the kids out in the evening to whatever? I better make sure I can go because I do not want him drinking and driving
  • Kids need to be picked up after an event…well that would be me because he has already started drinking

He seems to think that he is entitled to these behaviors because he is under a lot of stress and therefore needs a drink and we should all just take it. I am far from perfect. I spend to much time on the computer. I don’t pay the bills…so I don’t feel the stress of it as much. I am not as hard a worker as he is but I don’t know anyone who is. I spend to much money and I like our life to revolve around my kids. He likes our life to revolve around him.

I always say I will try harder at easing some of the stress and he always says he sorry for whatever tirade he went off on. This is obviously not working for either one of us because I can tell you my husband is NOT a happy man and either am I. Yet, life goes on like all this bull crap is normal and I think for a while we all thought it was. How can I expect things to be different?

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About madyson007

I am a mom of 4 who thought she was home free with her oldest son when he went off to college. My serious blunder? Genetics and being naive or maybe just plain stupid.
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5 Responses to How can I expect anything different…

  1. Syd says:

    No one can call another an alcoholic unless they themselves decide they are. What you write about sounds very familiar to me. My wife did not scream at me but would blackout and be heavily depressed, threatening suicide. She eventually went to AA where she calls herself an alcoholic. The thing is to keep the focus on your reactions around your husband and learn to take care of yourself. Maybe it’s time for you to go to Al-Anon. The only qualification is a problem with drinking in a relative or friend.

  2. Barbara says:

    I’m sorry you have to live this way, its not really living if your life revolves around his drinking and he’s incapacitated every night…and mean. I think what Syd says makes sense but how do you take care of yourself when you live in fear and dread about his next outburst and have to protect your children from it too? If your husband doesn’t admit he has a problem …. it will be tough. I obviously don’t have any answers but I hope you find some. Hugs to you.

  3. Helga says:

    I suggest that you try marriage counseling. If he does not want to go, go by yourself. It might provide you with some invaluable tools to help you with your marriage.

  4. Jeff says:

    Some good points already. I’ll be more direct (as usual), although I think they are sort of dancing around and reinforcing what I’m about to say. The only person you can change or effect is you. You can’t change your husband. You can only change how you respond to your husband. I could say so much more but it really does come down to how you deal with all of this. It works the same way with J. You can’t change either of them. You can only change and control you and once you do, you will have all of the power.

  5. Tori Lee says:

    Great comments! Jeff really hits it….This is your Husband who is verbally abusive to his family. Maybe you won’t leave or even should, but you need to take control of you.

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