Two posts in one day, not good…

I have been very weepy lately. I am easily overwhelmed and feeling that “Please God let me just stay in bed for a couple of days…” kind of feeling. I am seeing what addiction has done to our entire family and how it is manifesting itself, creeping into the behavior of everyone even our youngest child. I want to state now before I go on writing, that this post is not just about J’s addiction, it is about my husbands addiction, about me growing up in a family with a serious addict, about being raised by a woman who was chronically depressed most of her life and about a father who was not home much. I am a little scared and wondering exactly how I got here. I really thought all would be well and things would begin to resolve themselves if only J got better. That is clearly not the case. I love my husband but I am not sure I want to be married anymore. Hell I am not sure if I want to be a mom today.

My oldest daughter is so angry lately. She resents any attention shown towards her brother whether it is good or bad. She speaks to me like my husband does and it is breaking my heart. She yells at me and tells me that I need to get my children under control. Her sister is wearing her clothes and what am I going to do about it. If J takes her phone charger one more time she is going to rip someones head off and what am I going to do about it? Who is this child? What happen to the one I thought was my gift directly from God given just to me in an answer to all my prayers. She has the ability to hurt me the most and I walk around trying not to show it. I don’t know how to control anything at the moment…so umm I don’t know what to do about it. So she needs to stop asking…

My 11 year old cares about nothing but her friends and clothes. She would be willing to sell her little brother to the gypsies’ for an outfit from Abercrombie. She looks 15 but is acting like a 5 year old. She wants to be anywhere but at home and I really don’t blame her …I would like to be some place else too.

My 7 year old is this kind wonderful child, who is always well liked by his teachers in fact “such a little dear in school and always a good listener”. Umm…then how come at home he is deaf and has absolutely no problem saying NO! For the love of God just do what I ask without arguing with me.

My husband is going to push me over the edge soon. I am not peace keeper, problem fixer, and make all things right in the world mommy. I am a woman on the edge barely holding myself together today. I am tired of having to hold up everyone else. Can someone hold me up? Cause I could really use it today. EVERYONE NEEDS TO STOP YELLING AT ME! My husbands tone of voice is accusing and verging on abusive. My oldest is speaking to me exactly like this…I don’t think she even knows she’s doing it or she just really doesn’t care. Either way this is bad.

Sadly this is only written a couple of hours after my other post today. Not a banner day in my world. One more person slams a door in this house and I am going to a hotel. I think I need help.

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About madyson007

I am a mom of 4 who thought she was home free with her oldest son when he went off to college. My serious blunder? Genetics and being naive or maybe just plain stupid.
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14 Responses to Two posts in one day, not good…

  1. Sue G says:

    Oh dear. You need support, honey. You need to surround yourself with people who will lift you up and help you re-focus. You need to stop denying your own needs while you try to be whatever your family needs at the moment. You can’t wait until “it’s all fixed.” The only thing you have control of in this life is yourself…so do whatever is necessary to fix yourself…to make you stronger…to ease some of your burden.

    You know that I am a big believer in the power of God to transform even the most daunting situation. Give your family to Him. Pray for Him to help them. You can still be there to be loving and supportive, but not at the cost of your own peace of mind and stability.

    There is much I would like to say to you, but I think you can probably only hear things in increments because your first thought at any suggestions would be, “Yes, but….” I know you have a million reasons why you should help everyone else first. But those reasons don’t help YOU, do they?

    I believe totally in the human spirit’s ability to transcend even the most daunting of circumstances. And I believe in you.

    What can I do or say to help you believe in yourself?

  2. Lisa says:

    Oh boy let’s meet in St Croix and share stories! My oldest daughter resents my addict son to her core. I cringe when she visits because it almost always ends in a reprimand of my parenting skills. Yesterday she stopped by and I offered her shrimp scampi to take home but she wanted the burger on the counter left over for her brother to eat. Told me saving it for him is enabling and who gives a crap if he had dinner….she wants both! Just an example …. She digs in often and it mAkes me in turn not want her around which I then feel guilty about because then there’s two out if three kids I dont want near me. Then on any given day my husband does/does not want to hear about the newest evil texts from our son that I’ve received and his mood can go from caring and complacent to my reports and updates all the way to rage and “I don’t want to f$(($$!$in hear about him once more today”. The son claims to be detailing cars if which he wants to borrow mine to get to yet hasn’t left before 11 these last two weeks and chooses to come home anywhere between 3 and 6 ….doubt hes working at all! I’m sorry you are having one if those weeks. I think it happens to everyone….even those without addiction in the family! Praying for a better day for you tomorrow!

  3. Dee Dawson says:

    We are your sounding board. Plunk away at your computer keys and know we are listening.

    As when I sit in Families Anonymous meetings and listen…I wish I could say one thing that I knew could help. But I don’t have that power.

    Big Hugs to you today!

  4. Tori Lee says:

    There are times I feel so much better when I write. I feel so bad for you right now. Maybe going to a Hotel for a couple of nights would be good for you if possible. If you are near Los Angeles come stay at my house. You can lock yourself in the room and I will bring you food and you can just watch TV or sleep and if you want to vent and talk I will be here! It is so easy to forget to take care of ourselves but right now you are really getting it from all ends and YOU NEED A BREAK.

  5. Renee C says:

    I would hold you up if I were with you. My heart goes out to you. Hugs to you

  6. Renee C says:

    I am not that far away from you and willing to meet you if you want. Just a phone call away!

  7. Dawn says:

    Good God. that’s my life. nothing changes if nothing changes. Sorry. Get the junkie out of the house and out of your life. cut the apron strings. let his problem be HIS problem, not yours, not your oldest daughters, not your 11 year old’s, not your seven year old’s, not your husbands.

    I had to save the rest of my family. They were getting lost in the drama and the constant attention. I have FIVE children. two were still little at the time. One was older, one was the same age as the junkie. And, I had two little grandkids at home.

    I had to cut her out of my life for our family to survive. I’m very much afraid that you need to do the same thing. Then, I put every bloody one of my kids and grandkids into counseling. Immediately. And me as well.

    The REAL victims of addiction. the rest of the family. Which is what led me to start MY blog. The fallout. The constant weariness trying in vain to keep it all together and love everyone. It is impossible. So make a choice. Try to save the junkie (which won’t by the way work) and lose everyone else, your other kids and your husband, or abandon the junkie and save your family.

    I don’t lie, and I don’t sugar coat. You are at a crossroads. Sorry you are there. Sorry I was there when I was, but it is what it is.

    Don’t take his calls. Don’t let him into the house. Don’t invite him to any family functions. Just cut the strings. He will either pull his head out of his ass and survive, or he won’t. BUT, you CAN save the rest. You are a mother, now be one.

  8. Kay says:

    This is why we have Alanon/Naranon/Fam-Anon/Teen-Whatever-Anon. Because addiction is truly a family disease. And we often do not see the full effects on the family until the addict is in recovery. Then our attention can relax from that person, and we look around us and see the rubble. Like when a tornado blows through a town (an analogy we can relate to), initially we just see the activity of the tornado itself. And it’s two days or a week or two months later that reality hits and people look around and say, wow, our town really was destroyed.

    And so your daughter, perhaps, is acting out now because someone (maybe you) has the ability now to hear her. My daughter has done the exact same thing – same behaviors as you describe – acting like her father – telling me how to parent – controlling, etc. Somewhere along the way I think she decided that no one else was going to do it for her, so she took on the role. But I didn’t see it until the crisis with my boys subsided.

    The good news is, it won’t always be this way. But yes, you need now to focus on healing YOU, and in the process, the others will grow as well. I hope you have a support group – and if not, that you will get one. Go to meetings. Talk not about your son…your husband…but about YOU. That’s what meetings are for. We learn it slowly. There is help. I love you – you matter to me – I’m glad you’re here and I understand. Keep writing. God bless you.

  9. Dawn says:

    I posted about you. sort of. I posted about me, but you might want to read it.

    http://daughterheroinaddictsmoms.blogspot.com

  10. Dawn says:

    I posted about this on my blog today.

    daughterheroinaddictsmoms dot blogspot dot com

  11. Syd says:

    I hope that you will find a 12 step group and perhaps some therapy to help you. The family does get sick from addiction. And that sickness will only worsen until one of you stops doing the dance with the addict. Taking care of yourself is important. I hope that you will do that. A getaway and regrouping may be the start of your new life.

  12. Momma says:

    Going to a hotel might be what you need. I remember when my sister was at her wit’s end and told me she did that. I thought it was horrible at the time, but now I understand completely. I am lucky to have the husband I do, in fact we fantasized about running away to a hotel together a few times during crisis times. Take care of yourself, surround yourself with support, and chin up…

    Thinking of you,

  13. Connie says:

    Somehow I missed this post when you first wrote it. The paragraph about your oldest daughter describes exactly the way my daughter has behaved toward me since our troubles with her brothers. She’s having better days now though, but I don’t know how to help her through it either. Know that you are in my prayers.

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