I have been very weepy lately. I am easily overwhelmed and feeling that “Please God let me just stay in bed for a couple of days…” kind of feeling. I am seeing what addiction has done to our entire family and how it is manifesting itself, creeping into the behavior of everyone even our youngest child. I want to state now before I go on writing, that this post is not just about J’s addiction, it is about my husbands addiction, about me growing up in a family with a serious addict, about being raised by a woman who was chronically depressed most of her life and about a father who was not home much. I am a little scared and wondering exactly how I got here. I really thought all would be well and things would begin to resolve themselves if only J got better. That is clearly not the case. I love my husband but I am not sure I want to be married anymore. Hell I am not sure if I want to be a mom today.
My oldest daughter is so angry lately. She resents any attention shown towards her brother whether it is good or bad. She speaks to me like my husband does and it is breaking my heart. She yells at me and tells me that I need to get my children under control. Her sister is wearing her clothes and what am I going to do about it. If J takes her phone charger one more time she is going to rip someones head off and what am I going to do about it? Who is this child? What happen to the one I thought was my gift directly from God given just to me in an answer to all my prayers. She has the ability to hurt me the most and I walk around trying not to show it. I don’t know how to control anything at the moment…so umm I don’t know what to do about it. So she needs to stop asking…
My 11 year old cares about nothing but her friends and clothes. She would be willing to sell her little brother to the gypsies’ for an outfit from Abercrombie. She looks 15 but is acting like a 5 year old. She wants to be anywhere but at home and I really don’t blame her …I would like to be some place else too.
My 7 year old is this kind wonderful child, who is always well liked by his teachers in fact “such a little dear in school and always a good listener”. Umm…then how come at home he is deaf and has absolutely no problem saying NO! For the love of God just do what I ask without arguing with me.
My husband is going to push me over the edge soon. I am not peace keeper, problem fixer, and make all things right in the world mommy. I am a woman on the edge barely holding myself together today. I am tired of having to hold up everyone else. Can someone hold me up? Cause I could really use it today. EVERYONE NEEDS TO STOP YELLING AT ME! My husbands tone of voice is accusing and verging on abusive. My oldest is speaking to me exactly like this…I don’t think she even knows she’s doing it or she just really doesn’t care. Either way this is bad.
Sadly this is only written a couple of hours after my other post today. Not a banner day in my world. One more person slams a door in this house and I am going to a hotel. I think I need help.