When I started to blog about a year and a half ago (gosh it seems so much longer than that) I was entangled in J’s life to the point of making myself ill literally. Everyday I had trouble keeping food down. I was beginning to wonder if I was bulimic. I knew I was probably not because I would not binge…I would just eat, and J would some home looking messed up, or not show up, or call me from who the hell knows where, and that would be it for any food I might have eaten. It did bring a certain amount of release or relief. Damn it here was another thing to add to my secret life of hell. I knew this was not good and things had to change but I really had no idea what or how to go about doing this.
J’s addiction was sucking the life out of me. Like most of us I was convinced that I was the one who was going to save my son…how wrong I was. Who new that it was J who needed to save himself? I was so focused on changing him, that it never occurred to me that it was me who was going to have to change??? Go figure? I felt so isolated and alone and so stuffed with anxiety I thought I might burst. Blogging saved my life and so did all of you. I think once I started getting my words out, I slowly started to feel less anxious. I would purge by blogging instead of making myself sick. This was a long process and did not start over night, but I am and was so grateful that someone could finally hear me. I was not alone!
My first post was December 8, 2009. The title was “These are my words screaming out loud…” and those first few months of blogging especially what I wrote in December & January was so raw and packed with desperation that I got choked up with emotion when I went back to read them. Barbara at “Parent of an Addict” posted about our children’s addiction not being a parents fault. It kind of shook me to my core, so I went back to look at my first post. Not only did I believe I had something to do with my son’s addiction, it was most certainly my fault. These are the VERY first words I wrote for my blog:
” I am a mom who has made a serious blunder. I am not sure where or when everything started to go wrong but I recognize profoundly that I must have had something to do with it. Perhaps I am even the cause of it. My oldest son is an addict.”
I am a much healthier person now then I was a year ago. I do still have a looooooooooooonnnnnnnnnnnggggggggg way to go because there is a part of me that will always believe those words. Rationally I know that I didn’t put that drug in his hand but I had a brother who died in detox, I have a husband who is most certainly an alcoholic and I have been taking an anti-depressant for the past two years. I feel like our genetics have had a hand in his addiction but I still do not know what I would have done differently to prevent it. That is terrifying! I have three other children to raise, how can I prevent it if I don’t know what it is that I should or could do differently. Wow! This most certainly does not sound healthy or logical but I have always been real on “A Mom’s Serious Blunder” so I am not going to pretend that I have evolved. Dang, I don’t think I have made it past step 1.
What I have accomplished with a lot of help from all of you is detaching with love…I have not mastered it but I have embraced it and work hard everyday to perfect it! I started this post with one thought in mind and it turned into something entirely different but sometimes different is good. I sound a little self-absorbed but hey where else can I be self-absorbed in this world, if not my own blog.
I would like to add that this post is some of my most private thoughts…It would make me very sad to be evaluated and used as fodder for someone else’s blog. I think you know who you are and what I am talking about.