I am a mom who has made a serious blunder…

When I started to blog about a year and a half ago (gosh it seems so much longer than that) I was entangled in J’s life to the point of making myself ill literally. Everyday I had trouble keeping food down. I was beginning to wonder if I was bulimic. I knew I was probably not because I would not binge…I would just eat, and J would some home looking messed up, or not show up, or call me from who the hell knows where, and that would be it for any food I might have eaten. It did bring a certain amount of release or relief. Damn it here was another thing to add to my secret life of hell. I knew this was not good and things had to change but I really had no idea what or how to go about doing this.

J’s addiction was sucking the life out of me. Like most of us I was convinced that I was the one who was going to save my son…how wrong I was. Who new that it was J who needed to save himself? I was so focused on changing him, that it never occurred to me that it was me who was going to have to change??? Go figure? I felt so isolated and alone and so stuffed with anxiety I thought I might burst. Blogging saved my life and so did all of you. I think once I started getting my words out, I slowly started to feel less anxious. I would purge by blogging instead of making myself sick. This was a long process and did not start over night, but I am and was so grateful that someone could finally hear me. I was not alone!

My first post was December 8, 2009. The title was “These are my words screaming out loud…” and those first few months of blogging especially what I wrote in December & January was so raw and packed with desperation that I got choked up with emotion when I went back to read them. Barbara at “Parent of an Addict” posted about our children’s addiction not being a parents fault. It kind of shook me to my core, so I went back to look at my first post. Not only did I believe I had something to do with my son’s addiction, it was most certainly my fault. These are the VERY first words I wrote for my blog:

” I am a mom who has made a serious blunder.  I am not sure where or when everything started to go wrong but I recognize profoundly that I must have had something to do with it.  Perhaps I am even the cause of it. My oldest son is an addict.”

I am a much healthier person now then I was a year ago. I  do still have a looooooooooooonnnnnnnnnnnggggggggg way to go because there is a part of me that will always believe those words. Rationally I know that I didn’t put that drug in his hand but I had a brother who died in detox, I have a husband who is most certainly an alcoholic and I have been taking an anti-depressant for the past two years. I feel like our genetics have had a hand in his addiction but I still do not know what I would have done differently to prevent it. That is terrifying! I have three other children to raise, how can I prevent it if I don’t know what it is that I should or could do differently. Wow! This most certainly does not sound healthy or logical but I have always been real on “A Mom’s Serious Blunder” so I am not going to pretend that I have evolved. Dang, I don’t think I have made it past step 1.

What I have accomplished with a lot of help from all of you is detaching with love…I have not mastered it but I have embraced it and work hard everyday to perfect it! I started this post with one thought in mind and it turned into something entirely different but sometimes different is good. I sound a little self-absorbed but hey where else can I be self-absorbed in this world, if not my own blog.

I would like to add that this post is some of my most private thoughts…It would make me very sad to be evaluated and used as fodder for someone else’s blog. I think you know who you are and what I am talking about.

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About madyson007

I am a mom of 4 who thought she was home free with her oldest son when he went off to college. My serious blunder? Genetics and being naive or maybe just plain stupid.
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11 Responses to I am a mom who has made a serious blunder…

  1. Dawn McCoy says:

    no worries, that person has reformed!! LOL. as to the other kids, the only advice I can give you is to let them make mistakes and let them figure them out? the one of mine who turned out an addict was so good at everything, she never really had a significant challenge. when she did get one, she crawled into the needle. with the others, and now with the grandbabies, I am letting them suffer consequences and not trying to ‘solve’ all their problems for them. the one thing i can say really IS my fault is that I tried to keep her from having consequences at an early age, to spare her the pain. but, it is the pain of the consequence that taught US all how to be strong and keep going. so, parents, when a teacher is mean, let the child deal with it. (unless it is REALLY out of hand). When they have issues with friends, stay out of it and let THEM problem solve it. They may make wrong decisions, they may cry themselves to sleep a few nights, but they LEARN from those mistakes how not to repeat them, how to grow and learn, and how to COPE.

    that’s really all i have learned. LOL. Sad isn’t it?

    {{{hugs}}}

    • madyson007 says:

      Are you kidding me that is a fantastic little nugget of information! One that I am going to take much more seriously…

      • madyson007 says:

        Dawn I have on several occasions tried to leave you messages on your blog. Every once in awhile they will work but mostly not. I just wanted you to know that I do often read your blog and actually write full responses that you never get to see! Bummer.

      • Dawn McCoy says:

        Mady, I made the blog public again, so try and leave comments now 😉

  2. Kay says:

    God bless you. You have come such a long way. And your posts have helped me too. One day at a time.

  3. Lisa says:

    Your response from that other blogger is why drive me to your blog in complete sympathy for you as I felt it was out of line and disrespectful so because I believe everything happens for a reason…that ignorance drove me here (sorry it was at your expense). I hope I get passed that knot in my stomach phase. I hope my happiness and intimacy with my husband is no longer driven by the current state of our sons addiction. I recall back when my mother in law was diagnosed with lung cancer in 2003. I jumped on the Internet and read all the statistics and prognosis and symptoms of the disease and how it progresses etc. I could not breather, sleep, or eat thinking about the impending devastation that would face my husband and his mom and the next 10 or so months she would most likely live. Meanwhile, my mother in law continued to smoke, go to dinners with friends, played bingo 8 times a week, etc. I realized that I was more worried about her disese than she was. She was living! She went on to live another 4.5 years and wasnt really even sick until the last 9 months. I could have saved myself the devastating thoughts and anxiety for years! My therapist told me I am spending more time worrying about mysons addiction than he is. Sooooo true. And I find the similarities between my actions with my mother in laws disease and my sons the same! However, my sons odds are better, actually. Believe it or not! Thank you for your blog and for learning how to handle things so well!

  4. Barbara says:

    This was straight from your heart, thank you for opening your heart to us. I remember the first time I read your blog, the title told me felt you had done something wrong with J. My hope then, and now, is that as each day passes you will realize more and more that you did nothing to cause his choice, and once his choice was made, it was too late to stop the addiction from taking control. You have come A LONG WAY and so has J. I think every time they mess up or relapse, even though its a setback, its also one step closer to sobriety. (at least that’s what I tell myself!)

  5. Renee C. says:

    I would like to thank you for putting yourself and your thoughts out there. I found you January 2010 along with a few other bloggers who have helped me through the toughest moments. LIke you I do not believe I will ever totally not blame myself, but I am working every day on making each day a better one. I pray for your son and your family all the time and thank you for what you have done for me. If I was near you right now you would get the biggest hug.

  6. sheila says:

    Madyson, You have come so far! Bravo! I don’t think any of us ever totally master this “detachment” thing, but it gets easier with practice. For me, it saved my life. I too was getting ill from worry and guilt that I was somehow responsible for my daughter’s addiction.

  7. Syd says:

    Madyson, so glad that you have reached that point in recovery where you are living your life and not through someone else. It takes a while, but you have surely put detachment to the test. It is like a trial by fire. We get burnt but eventually learn.

  8. Dianne says:

    I agree with Dawn about holding our kids responsible for their actions.

    Because both my children were adopted “at risk” children; I pampered both of them. I wasn’t educated about drugs (we’re talking 35 years ago.); I stepped in too many times to save their butts from suffering the consequences of their actions.

    Fortunately my son was tough enough to find recovery. My daughter — who knows. I am raising her three children and you can be sure I’m not repeating those same mistakes.

    But the mistakes we’ve made are in the past. Our addicts have to get past that and find their own recovery. When they stop blaming everyone else, they can move forward.

    God Bless

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