J did not come home that night…

He texted me to let me know and my stomach sunk but I did not say a word. The job was spring clean-up with a landscaper who is also a very good friend. It turns out  J spent the night at the landscaper/friends house. I have known this boy since he was a young child. He is one of the first friends J lost when he started using but he is also one of the first friends back now that J is healthy again(crossing fingers, knocking wood, quick prayer, wearing my lucky socks etc…). So it turns out he did go to work! He asked me to drop off a sweatshirt and his work gloves on my way to work and since it was right on the way I did. The *MOA in me really wanted to see how he looked so we just met at a Dunkin Donuts and I gave him his gloves and sweatshirt. He looked fine! Go figure? He has another job tomorrow working at a holiday party for Hasidic Jews. I think the holiday is Purim but I am not really sure? He will be shuttling guests from a parking lot to the location. I wish it was a full-time job but for now he is working when the work is available and that is so good. He will also be doing more clean up work for his landscaper friend. He looks good and has a wonderful attitude. No more: woe is me, I have nothing to live for, everyone hates me blah blah blah BS. He is showing us things are different which is much different from the past.  J would just keep telling us he was different and that things were going to change but the behaviors stayed the same.

Am I setting myself up for a big fall? I think I am going to have to be admitted for therapy if that is the case.

 

*Mom Of an Addict

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About madyson007

I am a mom of 4 who thought she was home free with her oldest son when he went off to college. My serious blunder? Genetics and being naive or maybe just plain stupid.
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14 Responses to J did not come home that night…

  1. onemomtalking says:

    The truth is, we just don’t know. That’s why we learn one-day-at-a-time. We express gratitude for every day they are clean and working and looking wonderful and remembering to call and tell us they are staying overnight with a friend. We lean on others when the MOA in us screams for attention even during good times (love the “MOA” name by the way). And we keep ourselves as healthy as we can so that if and when the tough times come, we can call friends, pray with faith, and (maybe) sleep! God bless you! I’m happy for you and your son. every day clean will help him now and in the future, whatever the future holds.

  2. Tori Lee says:

    Hang in there. That is great news. I am still at the part where, “Mom I am going to do this and this and you will be so proud of me,” but nothing happens. No job, not even looking just hanging out with other junkies or who knows?

    Each good step is a Victory. Good for him and you!

  3. anna says:

    No, I did not get your post. It was not in the spam box either. Here is my email. letgohangon@aol.com. You can also write me there.

    It is hard to go on with one’s own life when our children are in a lot of trouble. But we never know when our own lives will end either so we had better find a way to get some enjoyment as well.

  4. Lisa says:

    He gives me hope for my son and to remember to treasure the next clean time. Last night was 4 cruisers at the house because my son threatened to kill himself with a bunch of pills (texting ex). This is about year 4 if this. I called when he did it to me in November. They didn’t keep him thus time and Dad had a screaming match with him this morning which my daughter has assured me will push him to actually do it. What do we do? Everyone has opinions and they are so sure if what the right thing for us to do is yet noone understands the hell we live with. I compare it to housing a crazed pit bull. You cant reason with him or talk tO him or go near his room or convince him to get help and we sit every day waiting to find him dead or arrested or. Any advice?

    • madyson007 says:

      Well… Let me start by telling you I feel your pain. It feels so close…it whispers in my ear as I write this. I am not a big advice giver. I am always very honored when people feel they learn something from my blog but it is never my purpose, I really don’t feel at all qualified to give advice but I will share with you are last ditch effort that seems to be working.

      What I am going to say is probably not all that comforting… but it wasn’t until we drew the line and he new we meant it (which for us was on January 25, 2011 go read it) did things seem to change. It wasn’t until he believed we would let him be homeless did he actually do something different. AND the truth is we would have let him be homeless. I had given him a number for rehab and a number for a homeless shelter. Those were his only two options and I was willing to live with either of those choices. I think part of his success for the moment is our unwavering promise that if he uses he can not live here and he knows it and believes it. I also think he has finally realizes that he may fool us for awhile but we ALWAYS know that he is using eventually. So casual use is not as appealing as it once was. One of the last things he said to me on that night I visited him in the psych ward was “It was only once or twice…this is not a big deal”. He has recently come to terms with our feelings that it is a “HUGE DEAL” to us and will not be tolerated.

      The other thoughts I have on this is he was ready to change because his life truly sucked at that moment. He had lost his girlfriend and his parents were totally ok with moving him into a homeless shelter. Maybe that was his rock bottom? I hope this helps.

      Many many many bloggers shared with me that he would never choose to get better if he had a warm bed and food…hell he had a Mac Book and a big screen TV too. I didn’t really get it but now I do and when you are ready, you will draw that line and then we will all pray that he chooses life and not addiction and despair. The absolute scariest thing about drawing that line and meaning it is realizing he could choose addiction and you will have to be ok with that.

      I hope this helps?

      • Lisa says:

        Thank you for the advice. It’s hard to get my husband on board with the moving out part but I’m trying to make him see I believe he will take a shot at rehab and sobriety over homelessness. Did your son talk about hating his life and he will kill himself and blahblahblah? That’s something we deal with and it puts that right amount of fear in us daily thats keeping him in control of the situation. Maybe I just answered my own question on that situation huh?

      • Lisa says:

        By the way its a flat screen tv, a lime green Dell laptop, an iPhone, and a Bose sound dock. ;). And he has lost the girlfriend and cannot seem to accept it. Along with old friends and his brother, uncle, etc. I know he isn’t enjoying chasing this high anymore and he is ripe for the ultimatum!

      • madyson007 says:

        Yes he did threaten suicide, his friends dropped off in a hospital parking lot. They were afraid for him. He ended up in the psych ward. That’s when we drew the line. He could get help or go live in a homeless shelter. Those were his ONLY 2 choices, he could not come home. If you feel your son is suicidal you can get help. They will admit him involuntarily just on your word that you feel he is a threat to himself…which I didn’t realize. When the hospital called to let me know he had been admitted they asked me what my hopes were for him. I told them that I hoped he would choose rehab and they would help but I also told them how sorry I was but he could not come home. They passed that information on to J. It must have been a sobering experience …hearing from a doctor and nurses in a hospital that you are locked up in, that you can not go home. Must have scared the bejeezus out of him. The key here is we meant it and he new it.

        I think you are right about your son not enjoying chasing that high, I think it starts off as an escape and then it becomes it’s very own jail in a way…

  5. Syd says:

    Glad that he is working. Keep your expectations low and hopes high.

  6. Cheri says:

    I have to agree with “onemomtalking” that we can never really know if we are setting ourselves up for a fall. But there is hope in the fact that actions speak louder than words, and J’s actions are talking. Just as your own actions in drawing the line in the sand on January 25th, 2011, spoke loudly enough to make an impact on J that helped him make a healthier choice for his future. Will he fall? Only God knows, but hang on to hope and to God in the midst of all of it, for He loves us all more than we love ourselves, more than we can fathom.

    We drew that line in the sand with our oldest son, now 30, and we are still on a roller coaster of sorts with him. But we drew that same line with our second son, and he will be sober five years in June. In hindsight, if I had it to do over again, I wouldn’t change anything, except that maybe I’d draw the line sooner.

    Happy to hear J’s doing well.

    Love and hugs,
    Cheri

  7. Kay says:

    My son threatened suicide. We finally got to the point where we accepted that he might do it. We made him leave. The night he planned to commit suicide, by overdose, the police picked him up five minutes before he was going to do it. Yes, he has a Higher Power. He’s now 6 months clean (not counting the 5 months he spent in jail). It’s very hard, but we have to be willing to let them live their lives … or not. Or else we sacrifice our own lives as well.

  8. Lisa says:

    Thanks all! Btw the first time I had to beg them to keep him and the intervention we did on his way out was useless. He lasted in outpatient program about a week. They took him again the other night and I called and begged the charge nurse to have him admitted, we are afraid etc and to have staff doctor call me. He was out and in his bed within hours. I guess acceptance it may happen is all we can do. I mean isn’t he slowly committing suicide daily any way? But is the feat that keeps us manipulated. You all are singing the same song. Success with kicking them out. I really truly feel doing that will change things. The few times we had him leave due to fighting with his brother and disrespect I totally calmed right down not having him in the house and the fact that I figure at least he is with others in a bug drug den Ron somewhere and will hopefully be with someone that would knownif he was overdosing etc. When he is in his basement bedroom I wouldn’t know if that happened. My husband goes to a different place and worries and sort of wants him back home safe and sound. We need to get on the same page with t

  9. Barbara says:

    I just put on my lucky socks in solidarity of hoping for the best for J. If something does happen, yes, you will be crushed, but you will both get through it. I hope he’s feeling good about working and being productive and making money and not whining…I hope this is it for him. Like everyone said, you never know for sure, but that should not keep us from enjoying each and every good day.

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