A house filled with empty promises…

I am tightly wrapped and trying to look calm. I hope I am succeeding but I am not  so sure. I do know there is not enough make up in the world to cover my dark circles. I need sleep but I don’t see that happening anytime soon. J comes home tomorrow. Why can it not be a joyous occasion filled with hope and promise of a new beginning. I feel so jaded. I need him to understands that actions speak louder than words because I have heard it all before. “This time is different”, “Never again, I promise”, “Just having a drink with dinner” “I am 21 years old treat me like an adult” and “I didn’t sleep last night so don’t bother me…”, “No really, I am fine …I just need to sleep” “I am depressed, I can’t get out of bed” “I will look for a job tomorrow” and on and on and on. I live in a house filled with empty promises and many excuses. Will this time be different?

 

<Hours later> I am editing to add: Boy do I sound whiney. I think it was Dawn who once told me to pick myself up by my big girl panties…and get on with it or something like that. I still chuckle when I think of it. I am going to get on with it. I just need one really good night sleep and I think I really will feel much better.

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About madyson007

I am a mom of 4 who thought she was home free with her oldest son when he went off to college. My serious blunder? Genetics and being naive or maybe just plain stupid.
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14 Responses to A house filled with empty promises…

  1. Lisa says:

    Well they say Nothing changes if nothing changes..and the only person you can control is YOU!!!! So, what are you going to do differently than the last time he reentered the home? Maybe that approach could help? Just my two cents on what seems to work for me (and I’m not going to say I don’t have dark circles or don’t cringe when I hear him up at all hours of the night or sniffling or …well you all know!)

  2. onemomtalking says:

    My sympathies. I just send you hugs and love. Remember we’re here for you. Take care of yourself as best as you can. God Bless.

  3. beachteacher says:

    Thinking of you…and hoping you make the right decisions and gain peace for yourself. You deserve that.

  4. Renee C. says:

    I pray that it will but remember that even if he gets it there will still be many up and down days. My daughter didn’t work for 4 months after rehab but she did do therapy and go to Naranon meetings every day. His meetings will be his life line at least it was hers.
    praying for the best!

  5. Renee C. says:

    Lisa- well said. We are all in that boat.

  6. Dawn McCoy says:

    ROFL. Yah, that was probably me.

    Of course you are filled with trepidation. This is the child who has turned YOUR world completely upside down. And, let’s face it, you did not want to live in a Fredrico Fellini film did you?

    Now it is time for the CONTRACT.

    So sit the heck down and draw it up on YOUR terms.

    something like this.

    1. NO drugs at all or you are out on your ass.
    2. WE can pop a piss test on you at any time, for any reason. YOU will pay us for the test @ $45 a pop at Rite Aid, they are NOT cheap..and if you do not have the money, we will pay for it, but you will OWE us by doing whatever chores we give you, and doing them immediately like cleaning out garage, etc.
    3. No druggie friends. No phone calls unless we clear the call first.
    4. No friends over for a certain amount of time to be determined by you.
    5. You must attend at least ONE N.A. meeting per day. If you live in a place which has public transportation it is up to YOU to figure out how to get there, but get there you must.
    6. you MUST look for and find a job. ANY job. McDonalds, whatever.
    7. you WILL pay a portion of your earnings to the house for your living expenses.
    8. you WILL provide us with a written detailed description of what you spend the rest (if any) of your money on. Weekly.
    9. You WILL get up at a reasonable time each morning, say by 8 or 9 a.m.
    10. You WILL be home at a reasonable time each night, 9 or 10 PM, whatever works for your family, but before YOU go to bed each night.
    11. You WILL go to the nearest county mental health association which charges by a sliding scale and get into and STAY in counseling with an AOD counselor for as long as you are living here.
    12. WE will also go to family counseling together. NON NEGOTIABLE.
    13. you will speak with respect to all family members, and we will treat you with respect.
    14. No stealing. No lies. No hiding anything. If anything comes up missing you will be assumed to be the thief and will be asked to leave.
    15. There will be no door on your room. There is nothing to hide, so you don’t need a door.
    16. You will not lock the bathroom door when you are in there. We will respect a shut door.
    17. YOU will do your own laundry, keep your room clean. Help with household chores.
    18. you WILL talk to us about how you are feeling. Cravings, depression, etc. We cannot help if we do not know.

    He will not like this. Okay, then go live somewhere else. This is OUR HOME. You have disrupted OUR lives enough. The line is drawn. Do not cross it. We will not enable you, excuse you or cut you a break anymore. It didn’t help so far, so we aren’t doing it again. We love you and will not allow you to continue to ruin our lives.

    If you cannot live under these rules, have a good life, know that we love you, and call us if you are ever clean.

    This is just some suggestions. Keep it simple, concrete and clear. Junkies brains don’t work very well right at first.

    Good luck!!

  7. Syd says:

    It will be up to him to stay sober. It will be up to you to take care of yourself. Boundaries are a good thing. Make them and keep them. Remember that the boundaries are for me. I cannot enforce boundaries on another.

  8. sheila says:

    Dawn, that contract is awesome! Thanks for sharing it.

    I wish my soon-to-be-ex husband would have been willing to consider something like that. He and my daughter continue to live in an incredibly codependent, enabling relationship. I had to move out because he was not willing to even talk about the possibility of kicking her out, ever. Even after she repeatedly broke every house rule there was (and a few we hadn’t even thought we needed to make).

    Madyson, you don’t need big girl panties. You need to be gentle with yourself. Nurture yourself, do what you can to relax so you can try to rest and sleep. I remember all too well how I couldn’t sleep in my own home when my daughter was there. It was hell.

    Wishing you peace,
    Sheila

  9. Lisa Carp says:

    I love the concept about the contract, except it doesn’t focus on what you are going to do differently. It could be viewed as another way to control J (read codependent) and may or may not gain you any results. If J is clean and truly attempting to reenter life (as we know it), he will make a lot of mistakes and bad choices due to the fact that his maturity level is behind the curve and quitting drugs does not immediately turn them into model sons and daughters. That being said, you will immediately know the bad things…your radar is more than tuned to what it all means.

    Either in writing or verbal, I would identify the top key three things that you absolutely can’t live with…because after all, do you really want to/think you can screen all his calls?

    1. No drug use.
    2. Whatever is big for you. For me with my son, he has to be home at a reasonable hour. And be respectful enough to call me and give me a heads up if he is not going to be home.
    3. Demonstrate that he will take care of himself and his stuff (wash his clothes, clean his room, take showers, etc.) It’s a sign of being “clean” for me.

    My son has been home a month (first time in 2 years and one month) and honestly it has gone so much better than I thought it would. It hasn’t been perfect, but I’m sleeping at night and not hiding everything. (Although I don’t leave my purse sitting out…some habits are hard to break). (Please know that we were blessed with Bryan actually being clean for 14 months before coming home. I know that makes a difference.)

    Whatever you do, contract or discussion, lots of rules or a few, just remember that the only person you really can control is yourself; and do whatever it takes to keep yourself strong and healthy (no sleep does make us vulnerable to emotional feelings and worry, etc.)

    Prayers to you and to J.

  10. Renee C says:

    Dawn,
    Love the contract wish I had known you 13 months ago when my daughter came home.

    Madyson,
    Maybe you have to draw up a contract for yourself so you don’t break the rules you are setting for yourself and your family.

    Its worth a thought.

    Hugs to you

  11. Jeff says:

    As soon as I read:

    “I live in a house filled with empty promises and many excuses. Will this time be different?”

    I immediately thought to answer, “much of that will depend on what you do differently.” But I see several others have pretty much said it for me.

    By the way, the exact same drug tests can be purchased on eBay for a lot less – as in about $5-$10 each. Why pay more? Plus, you can test more often when you (or J) is not paying $45 a pop. Let me know if you need help finding them.

  12. Barbara says:

    I have nothing to add, you’ve got some really good comments here. Just wanted to add my name to the list of people who are thinking of you and care about you AND J.

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