Who am I?

I am not sure what I am suppose to feel but I am a little confused about my emotions. I do feel a shaky sense of peace which is a lovely feeling even with it being shaky…all peace has been missing from our home for quite sometime but I think the feeling I was looking for was relief. Why do I not feel that? I think it is because it will hurt too much to believe in J. Where is the relief if you know that the rug could be pulled out at anytime and probably will. I think I know deep down this feeling of  peace is a deception because it will be temporary so I can’t really enjoy it. In general this just really sucks. I think I need to go to another nar-a-non meeting and get some perspective. I should easily be able to detach he is more than 3 hours away!

Hmm…after re-reading this I know what is missing this time. HOPE! When did that happen?  It is sad…I hope it changes soon because I am a person who always see the good in people and believe that people want to do the right thing. If that has changed I am fundamentally a different person. If that is the case who the heck am I? I think I am depressed? I could just cry…


About madyson007

I am a mom of 4 who thought she was home free when my oldest son went off to college. My serious blunder? Genetics and being naive or maybe just plain stupid.
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13 Responses to Who am I?

  1. you are becoming a stronger person. and you do have hope, or you wouldn’t keep writing. hope is always there. you just feel fear more. i used to hate it in meetings when people would say ‘fear is a lack of faith.’ i just hate that, because i have fear today, and i have faith and hope. i don’t think fear is a lack of faith, but rather a testament to having faith.

    you are long due for some peace in your life and i pray for you and your family to have that. you have a wonderful, strong , imperfect family that is full of love, strength, fear and hope. try to write down a gratitude list, what things make you happy, like remember listening to the kids running down the halls, what a wonderful sound. it fills me with joy, tears, love… hold on to those feelings, the gratitude lists help a lot. at least they do for this little addict.

    i hope this helps you.

  2. gal says:

    Madelyn, of course you are depressed. And, yes, you are a different person. How could you not be affected by all these life-changing events? Your whole family will surely be affected, some more than others. And we learn with time and experience to keep our expectations realistic as possible. He’s alive. That’s all you can ask for right now. Go ahead and cry, then hurry out to an Alanon meeting. You need as much support as you can get. My thoughts are with you.

  3. Dawn M. McCoy says:

    it’s just plain old RELIEF. no more middle of the night phone calls, no more knowing he is on a dope run…just plain unadulterated RELIEF. time to breathe. time to go have lunch with a friend. time to recharge your battery. time to sit back, look at the situation without J right in the room, or in your face or on your mind. time for some N.A. family meetings to gather your courage, get your mind back on track, and do what needs to be done, whatever that may be.

  4. Tori Lee says:

    I wish I could say something that would make you feel better but I don’t know what that would be. It is such a difficult journey. Today your son is alive and many of his friends are not. Today your son is in a safe place yet many of his friends are still out getting high. There is always hope. I read a book that I am reading again that I loved. It is called 180 degrees. He was a severe addict and he turned his life around. Reading those type of books seem to help me keep faith and hope. My prayers are with you and your family.

  5. Barbara says:

    I probably should not attempt to make you feel better due to the fact that I am feeling depressed too. Hope is there, but its hope mixed with the facts, the reality that this time could be “it” but probably not. No matter how much time my son has, or if he’s in jail or rehab, something always sends him back to drugs. His addiction and his anxiety mixed together are too much for him. I feel depressed too. I feel scared and sad.

  6. sheila says:

    Detachment is really hard. For most people it takes a lot of meetings, reading, and prayer/meditation – months and maybe even a year or more. But it does get easier with practice. It can be easier when there is some physical distance between you and the addict, but detachment is really a state of mind. Detachment, for me, has been my salvation and my key to peace and serenity. (Black humor helps me too!)

    Detachment is not the absence of hope or faith. It is the ability to go about your own life and find joy, without worrying about what the addict is or is not doing.

    Please go to a lot of meetings while J is away. It will do you a world of good.

    Wishing you peace and serenity,

    • madyson007 says:

      I do realize detachment is not about physical distance…I just always find it easier to do when he is not around and I don’t have to watch. I wish the meetings were closer. The NAr-anon meeting is once a week and far. There are plenty of al-a-non meetings much closer but I am scared to go to them.

      • Dawn M. McCoy says:

        there wasn’t a Nar-Anon meeting closer than two hours from me. I went to an Al-Anon meeting and was welcomed with open arms. Consider going. It’ might be easier to go several times a week to the Al-Anon,and then maybe once a month to the Nar-Anon. There is also an online Nar-Anon group which has an open forum for talk and discussion. It is at http://www.naranon.com/forum/ and got me through the middle of the night willies when I was very depressed!! There are lots and lots of resources out there for you besides us. Prayers are with you!

  7. gal says:

    Don’t be afraid to go to Alanon meetings. We also don’t have many Naranon meetings in our area, so I’ve attended both Alanon and Naranon. I’ve found wonderfully supportive people at both.

  8. Syd says:

    I think that Al-Anon is a great program. It has helped me to detach and lower my expectations of others. I still have much hope for so many things in this world. But I no longer have strong expectations that things will go my way. I have learned patience. I do think that going to Al-Anon has made me a different and better person.

  9. Lisa says:

    Our stories are not only similar but are eerily the same. Our son M lives at home, no job, losing friends daily to his addiction, out of school, addicted and only daily ritual is a drive about 4/5:00 each day to get his drugs and get high. I feel I am most calm and peaceful when he is not here. It doesn’t matter if he is gone all night, gone for an hour or the time I had him hospitalized in psych ward or time spent in detox…when he is not in front of my face as a reminder of his addiction…It is calming to me. I remember the trip to detox the first time..him nodding off in the car..the one and only time I have seen this..I was sooo scared. Back then, I believed a once and done trip to 4 day detox and we would all be one big happy family..hahaha..I turned to leave him and the counselor walked me to the door and said ‘do you know what the success rate of getting clean is on first stay in detox? 4 percent!’ Wow! Thanks! Well looking back on it..I guess it was important info to have! Today, he is using. I hope tomorrow he gets arrested and thrown in jail and I get to suggest long term rehab vs jail time..who knows..it might happen. Point is, you never know what is around the corner..could be bad, could be good. Its out of our control, however. We didn’t get them here so we certainly don’t have the control to get them back!

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