The straw that broke this camels back…

J has been admitted into rehab. It has been an emotionally draining week and getting him to rehab yesterday was just the straw that broke this camels back. J was released from the hospital on Thursday. He looked very good and clear-headed and accepted that he was heading to rehab. He knew he would be admitted the following day so we allowed him to come home for the night because the hospital would not keep him.  He went to bed on Thursday night upset that he was saying good-bye to his girlfriend for the last time, because she is moving to another state… but said he was ready to get better and stay clean. I went to work and he was still sleeping. He has no car, no money and no friends but still managed to be totally high when I got home ala dealer delivery! Who knew there was such a thing? It was so damn disrespectful and disappointing. I  knew it was a mistake to think he was on his way to recovery, because to see him so obviously high and have to spend 3 hours in the car with him was disgusting, quite frankly.

In my head I went through all the scenario’s A) I could tell him  get out of my house and get your own ride. B) I could drop him off at a mission/shelter C) I could drop him off at rehab. All of them kind of stunk because it ultimately involved me making it happen. Enabler I am… We live in middle suburbia, he literally would just sit at the bottom of my driveway if we forced him out of the house and as much as a dealer may want J’s last few dollars I doubt they would want him to live with them.  Dropping him off at a shelter??? well I might as well just drop him at the rehab.  My oldest daughter said “Mom, what did you expect, of course he is going to get high before he goes to rehab…ya know one for the road”. YUCK…I did not expect that but his sister has no as in zero expectations for her brother now. Silly me.

The drive was treacherous it was snowing he needed to be there before 8:00. A trip that was suppose to take 2 and a half hours took three and a half hours each way. It was in the middle of know where of course and it was snowy dark and scary when we got there. He was emptying his pockets as we were pulling in…WTH? I was so angry I did not even say goodbye. I handed the person who met us at the gate his bag, got back in my car and drove away. I felt dirty. There were other things that happen that I really don’t want to rehash because the whole thing was pretty upsetting. It was not at all how I imagined it…ya know me saying “This is it J, I know you can do it and I love you.” Honestly love was not an emotion that I was feeling. I need to stop watching fantasy TV or I just suck in the supportive parent department.

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About madyson007

I am a mom of 4 who thought she was home free with her oldest son when he went off to college. My serious blunder? Genetics and being naive or maybe just plain stupid.
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18 Responses to The straw that broke this camels back…

  1. Connie says:

    You got him to rehab. That is all that can be expected of you at this point! At least now you can have some time of rest while he’s there (hopefully). You don’t suck at anything. You are doing the best you can each day. I hope you can give yourself some time now. The only person you can really take care of in this situation is you. Prayers coming your way!

  2. Barbara says:

    I am going to ditto what Connie said.

    I don’t think its uncommon for an addict to have “one for the road”, not excusing him, its just not a surprise.

    Enjoy PEACE while he is away.

  3. Ron Grover says:

    You did just fine. Take it easy on yourself.

    I am not surprised J did one for the road. Alex use to celebrate getting through probation and out of jail by getting high.

    Quite frankly, maybe it is a blessing it went this way. Hopefully it will be easier for you to let J work on his recovery in rehab without your interference. Leave J to his own while he he is there. Let the professionals do what they know to do and whatever you do don’t go rescue him if he gets in trouble or calls you for help.

    Take a couple days to catch your breath and then talk to people, talk to people on here, go to Alanon or where something works.

  4. parent says:

    …as the Aerosmith song says ( I think they lifted from AA talk )

    ONE LAST SHOT PERMANENT VACATION…how high can u fly w/ broken wings…

    My son did same thing…shot up dope the night before…goes w/ the territory..
    That was that day…live in today…

    prayers to u

  5. madyson007 says:

    I guess I am the only one surprised that he used right before entering rehab…I feel better. Only because I guess what I am hearing is: this is not necessarily a pre-warning of a disastrous rehab stay…which really is what I was thinking. Thank you all….

  6. Deirdre says:

    Dear Mom of J,
    I think you handled your difficult situation very well. I think your action was appropriate. When our child is ready for treatment, driving him or her there is a good thing. Yes, J’s addiction showed itself right to the end as you were pulling up to the treatment center. Your daughter is right in not expecting anything more of him….using drugs up to the last minute is typical, because the addict can’t quit on his or her own….but praise God that he is wanting to get help and is now going to be able to get it. I understand your stress, anger, and exasperation! Ah!!! I have experienced such events too. I remember my then 18 year old son trying to back out of his second rehab at the “eleventh hour”… He was 12 hours away from taking a flight to another state to attend a residential rehab…We had given him CPR two weeks before, resuscitating him back to life in the upstairs hallway of our home…5 friends had pulled together $8,000 to donate towards his treatment, another friend donated his airfare…He had said he wanted help, so we had allowed him to come home…and then he was balking at the idea at the last minute, after all of our preparations (including as you know, all the phone calls to the insurance company and rehab centers, in the midst of working a 55 hour a week job)…I was furious with his reversal and screamed at him like I have never done before or since…I threw the phone at him and told him fine…he could just go away and live on the street and kill himself on drugs…I then drove an hour away to the hospital to help my mother deal with my 80 year old step dad who was in the hospital…. I hear you when you say it was “the straw that broke the camel’s back”! Thankfully my son heard me and decided that he would stick to the plan and got on that plane in the morning. Today he is doing very well, not using drugs…It took one more rehab. and drug court, and a 3 week jail stint, but he is moving forward now. Thank you Jesus! Hang in there, mom of J. You are a strong, loving mom doing the right thing. Persevere in your trial, your character is strong, have hope, and may your heart be filled with the love of God. I am sending you a big hug. – Deirdre

  7. you handled yourself like a lady with grace. you did exactly the right thing, i guess the thing about addiction is that this is a double edge sword. while the using addict has to finally come to his/her bottom and finally be done with all the insanity and chaos, their loved ones end up going on a similar journey, one leading to empathy one where you learn to disconnect and hopefully still have faith, hope and love. and hopefully coming to an acceptance and serenity to also be done with all the insanity and chaos.

    as i read your blog, i see how an addicts journey from addiction to recovery parallels their loved ones journey through the very same hell, but different. you are an inspiration

  8. gal says:

    Ron put it all in perspective. J’s last minute actions (so typical!) made it easier for you to drive away today, and that’s probably a blessing for both of you. You’re doing great amidst chaos. My thoughts are with you.
    -Gal

    • Tori Lee says:

      WOW! I am reading a bunch of your posts and I think we were taking our son to rehab the same day – maybe I am lost in my days right now. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Mine started yelling at me telling me I “tricked” him to going to rehab when actually what I did was have the Attorney as the Judge for Rehab instead of a 2-4 yr jail sentence and the Judge agreed to 9 months. Now he is “talking” to all these people who know better – He is a ding dong, he was caught with intent to sell – stiffer charges and he is now a Felon. He is going to go back to court in a couple of weeks and tell the Judge he wants to go to jail because he thinks he will only be there for a couple of weeks because they are so over-crowded. Then he tells me he is only there because he wants to be there for himself. Talk about your son lying! It is so bad with mine so unbelievable that I have told my younger son if your Brother tells you the sky is blue walk outside and check. I am sorry we are both in this mess and more sorry our children are destroying there lives and ours.

  9. Renee says:

    My son did the same exact thing, the whole 2 1/2 hour drive to rehab he was nodding in and out. The counselor told me a couple of days later when they called to tell me he had been moved to a medical detox for a couple of days that she sees that all the time, the one last high before the dry. You did good, go easy on you and take good care of yourself now, let him work his recovery, you work yours. Prayers…Renee

  10. Renee C says:

    You do not suck as a parent. You are doing all you can. At least he is there and hopefully he will accept the help.
    Most of them use before they go. I can attest to that-my daughters boyfriend did, she didn’t however. Television is fantasy land. My daughter and her boyfriend used to watch intervention and when they admitted to us they needed help they thought it would all go down like the TV show. We were in shock and not on stage with a counselor to tell us what we needed to say so therefore we didn’t say what the my daughter wanted us to say and she was disappointed that we didn’t do what they all do on the show.
    Be glad you didn’t stay because it is not pretty at intake. I sat there for 6 hrs watching the comings and goings and by the time I left I was so upset I had no idea how to get home from the woods where they put us. I am lucky in the fact that my daughter wanted to be there so she was already detoxing for 3 days before she got there and knew I was a mess. She borrowed someone’s cell phone and called me to make sure I was getting home ok. I was lost at the time and had no idea where I was so the kind gentlemen who brought someone there for same reason talked me to the turnpike so I could get home.
    Worst ride of my life. I cried all the way home thinking what a horrible mother I was. Turns out I am not. There was nothing I could have done to prevent her turning to heroin. I am just now to that realization and it took a long time. Do I still worry – of course I am her mom. Next year this time if J does what he is there for you will be looking at this in a different light. Either way you have done what you must. Every addict is a different situation. You cannot compare any of them that is why I can’t believe that some people post negative comments about your feelings. Your feelings are yours. I wish you all the best and you are constantly in my prayers along with all the mothers/fathers of addicts and the addicts themselves. ((hugs))

  11. Momma says:

    Yes, my son also used right before and I remember how stupid and betrayed I felt when I realized it. Don’t beat yourself up about it… he didn’t do it to hurt you, he did it to get high, period.

    Take care of yourself now, ok?

  12. heathersmom1 says:

    Whatever the scene was when you dropped him off – he is there. And for today that is good. You also made it home safely through the snow to write the post. I am hoping today you are taking time to re-fuel, re-focus, chill-out – whatever – FOR YOU. You deserve it!!!
    God bless and a (((big hug)))!!!

  13. Lori says:

    I love how I am learning from your post and the comments. Thank you.
    Your son is right where he needs to be. Sleep well tonight. You deserve it.

  14. sheila says:

    You did exactly right. You drove him to rehab and left him there to deal with the rest of it himself.

    Of course you were upset and disappointed that he got high in your home. I would be too. But please remember that he didn’t do it to spite you. He is possessed by a serious disease that he cannot control. With luck and hard work, rehab will give him the tools and skills to manage his disease. You can’t do it for him.

    It is really hard and it takes a lot of practice, but I find it helps to have NO expectations. Your daughter is smart that way. When we parents have expectations, we set ourselves up for disappointment, instead of just appreciating the good moments whenever they might pop up, even if they are few and far between.

    I spend a lot of time feeling like a horrible mother too, but we didn’t cause the disease of addiction.

    You’ve been through a huge trauma. Now that J is safe and in a position to get help, please take some time to yourself. Indulge and pamper yourself in whatever ways you can right now. Be good to yourself. You deserve it!

    Hugs,
    Sheila

  15. Praise be to God that he is there!
    It doesn’t matter how he got there.
    It doesn’t matter what he did before he went there.
    The only thing that matters is what he does now that he’s there. That’s what I will be praying for!!
    HUGS!!!

  16. Syd says:

    I have read about the last binge before drying out. I am glad to not have experienced it. My wife white-knuckled her way to sobriety with the help of AA. I am grateful for the help that her AA sisters gave her. One alcoholic talking to another. The same will happen for J–one sober addict talking to another in rehab. I hope that he gets it and listens up. You have some days of peace now. Easy does it with yourself.

  17. Renee C. says:

    Thinking of you. I remember this week last year like it was yesterday. Just know he is safe and try to use this time for yourself. ((hugs))

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