Falling down again…

J is in the hospital. He was dropped off in the parking lot and left there by his friends who didn’t really know what to do with him. He was obviously high. They found messages on his cell phone from known dealers and wax wrappers. They did not want to bring him home messed up at 3:00 am.

J was confused and must have said something suicidal because he has been committed for 3 days into the hospital involuntarily. He called me furious and wanted to be picked up. I refused and begged him to get the help that is being offered and reminded him that he has relapsed and we had warned him what the consequences would be. He may not come home until he has gotten some intensive extended inpatient rehab. Or he could find a homeless shelter or a friend to take him in but he could not stay here.

The hospital called to get some back ground information and I gave them everything, which of course did not at all match up with what J told them. Go figure! He made all kinds of excuses…the one that I loved was “Come on mom, I broke up with my girlfriend. I am upset give me a break, I have been clean for 4 months”…which I don’t really believe either. I told him the next time I argued with his father, I was going to go out and shoot up. WTF? I really hoped that put into perspective just how messed up that statement really is!

I could see him unraveling right in front of my eyes for the last week and there was not a damn thing I could have done about it. I am tired. I do not really feel any relief because, what is going to happen in three days? I am terrified.

He has fallen and what if he really can’t get up?


About madyson007

I am a mom of 4 who thought she was home free when my oldest son went off to college. My serious blunder? Genetics and being naive or maybe just plain stupid.
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10 Responses to Falling down again…

  1. Dawn M. McCoy says:

    then you making him get up won’t work either. i’m so sorry.

  2. Cheri says:

    I’m so sorry you are going through this pain. I hurt for you.

    We’re praying for you,
    Cheri and Wayne

  3. Cheri says:


    It’s very important that you know you are not a failure, nor are you failing. You are basically coping the best way you know how with a crummy situation. You cannot control J, but your heart longs to see him happy and healthy. You are guilty of nothing more than being a mom who loves her son.

    I’ve been wanting to tell you this since I read your previous post.

    Sending hugs your way,

  4. Ron Grover says:

    You got a 3 day break. Let the professionals do what they are trained to do. It is not the first addict they have seen in the psych ward. We had Alex committed for 3 days when he was talking suicide too.

    This is just one of the many symptoms of addiction.

    You are thinking the right way. You don’t have to have an addict in your home and J if he wants it bad enough will take the steps needed to com into your life. There’s not a lot you can do about anything but take care of yourself.

  5. Syd says:

    I agree with Ron. He will get some help if he wants it bad enough. I hope that you can get some rest and take care of yourself. Perhaps a meeting would help you.

  6. Ajb says:

    I hope this experience actually gives your son time to think about the way his life is going and hopefully the psychiatrist and therapist will figure out a plan for him that he is willing to follow. My son was also placed in a psych ward after no room in rehab which we had convinced him to go to. He was asked if he had suicidal thoughts and he answered he thought about it. That was enough to hold him 5 days where they gave him librium and helped him detox. He was very angry with everyone. He also was given anti-psychotic meds for what was incorrectly thought to be bi-polar illness. The so called bipolar characteristics would only appear when he took his mix of illegal drugs. We ended up getting him off all meds but he needed something fur his severe panic attacks and anxiety. Unfortunately he would rather treat himself with wharever he gets his hands on. He is not ready yet to be able to receive the help he needs. When i read your blog, i hear a very loving concerned mom crying out for an answer to what you need to do to make your life “normal” again and i think i know how you feel like everything you try seems to fail. There are a lot of smart,courageous people that offer advice or encouragement in their comments which help me tremendously too. Your blog helps me because i get to read the comments as well as your life story and i gather strength for seeking my answers on what i need to do to make my life normal again. I wish you peace and pray for a breakthrough for your son as well as for you.

  7. Renee says:

    I went through this exact situation also with my son but they would never hold him. I watched him OD in the hospital 4-5 times, they would call me because someone would drop him off there. I would beg with him to get treatment, go behind his back while in the ER and try to get them to keep him in Mental Health so he could be assessed and possibly get someone to encourage him to treatment other than family. None of that worked for me or him. What did work is after about 8 years of my life hinging upon whether I had heard from my son that day, was he breathing, at someone’s house being left to die, all the terrible things we think as mother’s of addicts., it finally was enough, I had hit the proverbial bottom myself. I just couldn’t stand to live my life the way I was any longer, it was killing me physically an emotionally, all my relationships were suffering as well as my work. It was then that I advised my son the things you have stated above. He could not live with me until he entered a treatment facility that he got himself into. Then when he had completed 38 days and the funding was up, I advised him he could not live with me, needed to find sober living or go to another rehab close by that was something he could afford. He was angry, figured out the sober living and it worked out for a bit. Each time he calls needing something it is easier for me to say no and easier for him to not ask me to begin with. He is working and getting ready to rent his first apartment with his girlfriend in years. Is he clean and working a program, nope. Is he doing better than he was 3-4 years ago..yes. After I accepted that my son could always be in active addiction, I let go and decided to have a relationship with him based on a mutual attraction, not just me give and him take. We have boundaries and are healing. I am praying the same for you. You are an awesome mom, you keep praying for acceptance and willingness to let go. Much love, Renee

  8. Renee C. says:

    My heart goes out to you. You got the phone call I have been dreading for the last year. I wish there was something you or I could do for our children but J has to get this for himself. It is so hard but you can’t let him back in your house. If you do he will know you will do it over and over again and he has no consequences. However hard that is for you and I know it is. I am praying for him and hope that he finds the right treatment center.

  9. sheila says:


    I am so sorry to hear this. My daughter got herself committed involuntarily for making threats in front of the hospital psychiatrist against her father and me while all of us were in a family meeting. It was the worst experience of my life. She was very, very angry, but she got herself into that situation.

    You said something very profound, “He is unraveling and there is not a damn thing I can do about it.”

    Only J can do something about it. You need to step back and let the professionals and J work this out. Addicts are darn resourceful. Yes, he has fallen, but he will most likely be able to get up. And even if he can’t, all the worrying and love in the world won’t help him to get up. He has to WANT to do it.

    Go reread the other comments above. They are full of good advice. And DON’T let J live with you. It’s killing you and damaging your other children and your marriage. And it’s obviously not helping J.

    You are a good mother. Addiction is NOT the fault of the parent. It is a disease, and J has to learn, through the School of Hard Knocks, that he has a chronic disease and has to take responsibility to manage it.

    Wishing you peace,

  10. Momma says:

    I feel so bad for you, I hate to tell you your life will never be “normal” again. At least the normal that you used to know. Take care of yourself, your son must choose his own path.

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