I really have no idea what to think…

yes the drama that follows him every where continues. I can not get into details because it involves others that I don’t feel right talking about but here are the cliff notes:

  1. J’s girlfriend has broken up with him.
  2. This is not necessarily a bad thing because she is an enabler and comes with a bunch of her own baggage.
  3. I do not think it would  have been possible for them to achieve any kind of success because they feed each others demons and I do not mean drugs.
  4. Her family no longer loves J and things have in fact turned quite ugly…dysfunctional does not adequately describe either of our families and together this is ummm scary at best.
  5. If J can not make this work and live at home clean with a purpose, he will have to leave and that scares me more than anything because now he has absolutely nowhere to go. He will be homeless.

 

So now what do I do?

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About madyson007

I am a mom of 4 who thought she was home free with her oldest son when he went off to college. My serious blunder? Genetics and being naive or maybe just plain stupid.
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20 Responses to I really have no idea what to think…

  1. pray, breathe, pray… repeat

  2. onemomtalking says:

    My son was on the streets last winter. It was the scariest time of my life. cleanandcrazy gives good advice. One moment at a time.

  3. heathersmom1 says:

    Oh I know how scary the prospect of him being homeless is (#5), but sounds like today has enough worries of it’s own (#1-4!). I don’t know the details, but Heather & her ex boyfriend’s situation had gotten pretty ugly and remnants still continue today. I find myself reciting the serenity prayer – and reminding me what is not mine to worry about (namely their relationship). Maybe the serenity prayer may give you some comfort too? I hope J DOES make it work at home & clean.
    I’ll keep your family in my prayers.
    Love & hugs to you!

  4. gal says:

    All I can tell you is what we’re trying to do since my daughter’s relapse. I know for sure she never did the real work required for true recovery. She still works full time, so she’s trying to go to 5 AA/NA meetings a week and hopefully starting intensive counseling soon. That’s where the money she earns has to go. There’s no more money for rehab, so if this doesn’t work, God knows what then.

  5. Renee C. says:

    I totally feel for you. I hope things improve for you. My daughter broke up with her boyfriend this past week and I thought she was going to use. She was 1 yr clean and he didn’t seem to think that was a big deal and wanted to ignore it and told her she shouldnt go to NA because he could support her recovery. He has never been on drugs or used them so he really does not understand. Bottom line she broke up with him and she has had a really bad week bc she loves him but knows if he doesnt support her it wont work and if she doesnt stay in NA she will use. As a mom, all we do is hurt for them no matter how much healing we have done, I am always waiting for the other shoe to drop. If you need to talk I am here. Hugs

  6. Helga says:

    Always remember, our addicts are extremely resourceful. How many have you seen actually living under the bridge? People that do are usually not our kids. Addicts have ways to survive even in the deepest winter. I read “Broken” by William Cope Moyers and it is pretty amazing how he made it through. Don’t ever underestimate the power and resourcefulness of our addict children…. I worried so much about my daughter after she skipped town and I did not know where she was for three months, just to find out that she was living and working in Myrtle Beach! I was so upset over all the sleepless nights I had worrying, and so relieved that she was ok. Now I let her go and let God. I love her but she is not a daily distraction in my live anymore. Please take care of yourself. You are in my prayers.

  7. Dawn M. McCoy says:

    As hard as it is to say, then he will be homeless. There is a school of thought that if you RAISE the bottom, they will hit it faster. It’s a very personal decision. My best advice to you is to go and find and READ the blogs of actual heroin addicts who made it. Talk to Brother Frankie. Usually, they never decided to get clean until they had absolutely no one but themselves to rely on. Giving him a safe place to live, food and clean clothes is still enabling his behavior. You really do have to pull the plug. Mine is not a popular opinion, but trying to help rarely effects recovery. Only the addict can decide to get/be/stay clean. All the love and rehabs in the world won’t help unless and until the addict wants them to. And really, where is the incentive if all his physical needs are being met? Why should he change when nothing else changes?

    • Liz says:

      Dawn, Can you please send me the links to the blogs of heroin addits who made it? I am new at this and don’t know where to look for such things. Thank you

      • madyson007 says:

        MOst people are not going to see this post because it is in my archives. If you have a specific question you would like me to ask for you I would be more than happy to do that. If you have your own blog I will link it to mine and more people will discover you. Let me know Okay?

  8. Momma says:

    today he is clean, right? and today he is home. just think about today. tomorrow worry about tomorrow.

    Hang in there!

  9. Ddave says:

    I could not agree with Dawn M. McCoy more. In reading the OP, something really jumped out at me:

    “J’s girlfriend has broken up with him. This is not necessarily a bad thing because she is an enabler.”

    Do I even have to point out the irony in that statement? Just substitute “girlfriend” for “fill in the blank”. Why is it we can see things within others that we just can not see within ourselves? I pray that the floor does rise to help J get the help he needs.

    Dawn: Yours is a popular opinion – perhaps just not here.

    • madyson007 says:

      I have never denied being an enabler but I do work VERY hard on not enabling. His girlfriend didn’t even pretend or try not to be an enabler. I grow everyday in my search for detachment/non-enabling. I am not anywhere near perfecting it but I try. I can only do my best. Please don’t feel it is necessary to judge me. You really only know a small snippet of my life.

      I don’t agree nor disagree with Dawn or Helga but I always listen to their advice. I rarely feel judged but your comment just strikes me as condescending. Forgive me if that is not the way you wanted it to come across but that is what I feel. I can only do what I CAN do. Throwing him out at this point when he is clean just does not feel like the right answer. If he was using I would drive him to the nearest city/town that had some sort of mission and leave him to figure it out.

  10. VJ says:

    My son has been “homeless” numerous times during his addiction and none of my fears ever came true. In fact, he always found a homeless shelter or the Salvation Army where he was provided a place to sleep, eat and they provided counseling, health and dental care.

    During these trying times I would be sure and go to my parent support group where others understood and supported my wife and I. In addition, I read and prayed over all the scriptures that concerns fear, my favorite is Proverbs 1:33).

    In prayer for all of our children.

  11. parent says:

    You have received some great advice ( Helga and Dawn McCoy ) …they are ‘spot on’ ..our kids are resourceful…

    Pray Love Detach and Breathe…( yes repeat that too )

    prayers to u

  12. Carolyn says:

    Oh I do so feel for you. My daughter is coming home tomorrow. She is pregnant (I just found that out). Her bf beat her this week…again. She sent me pictures. What could I say?
    I know the storm will hit and I have to somehow keep my center.
    Sending you prayers on angels wings…
    Carolyn
    http://www.parentofanaddictcdcb.wordpress.com

  13. gal says:

    Dear Madelyn,
    I know how defensive you feel…all too well. But if anything is sure, it’s that you have to live with yourself. Your son is young, and this problem is relatively new compared to the addict children of some of the veterans who kindly offer advice. Absorb all the advice you can from fellow bloggers, read all the books people recommend, attend Alanon and devour any other resources you can find, but at the end of the day, the choices you make are yours. Not everyone will agree with you, but if you can’t live with your choices, then what?
    Last year after a relapse, my daughter was detoxing. We had to rush her to the hospital after she took a sleep aide that made her overly groggy. The doctors, nurses and social worker spent several hours telling me (pretty forcefully) to just walk out of the hospital and leave my daughter to the streets. The advice wasn’t wrong, it was just wrong for me at that time. I know, without question, I could not have handled it. I also know that if my daughter’s addiction leads me through some of the same experiences that many of the other bloggers have been through (raising her children, repeated legal problems, etc.), I will be of the same mind. I not the enabler I used to be, but I know the term still fits me in too many ways. I’m working on me, the only thing I can control.
    This journey, hellish as it is, is one we take at our own pace.
    Hugs-
    Gal

  14. Jeff says:

    Certainly some great comments and questions, Gal. The thing is, when I see or read:

    “I could not have handled it.”
    “It was just wrong for me at that time.”

    I try to remember it’s not only about “I” or “me”, it’s about the addict as well. What feels “right” for the parent may be very “wrong” for the addict. So when you ask:

    “If you can’t live with your choices, then what?”

    I answer, can your addict live with your choices – will your addict live with your choices? Doing what is right for you may be very wrong for the addict that you love. Its not about you – which I think seems to be the essance of what some are trying to say. It’s not about you – it’s about them… all of it!

  15. gal says:

    Ah, Jeff- You make a very good point. But, here’s my point. Once I put her on the street, I have to be ready for the consequences. The ladies in my Alanon group actually go out and buy funeral dresses in preparation for their addict’s demise, sort of as a rite of passage. But, their situations have been going on a long time with long trails of repercussions. We may be there next year, maybe not. I will not force the bottom to occur. We live in New Orleans, where drug dealers moved in by droves after Katrina. There is no safe place on the street and very little refuge otherwise. I speak of “I,” because if she dies after I put her out to live with heroin-addicted strippers, I will not be able to live with myself. I know that heroin may yet kill her, but I will support her in her desire to stay clean after her recent, short relapse. And I will do my best to minimize enabling.
    There are certainly different schools of thought about this, and I’ve done a great deal of homework. But, I have a hard time hearing people support abandoning the addict, when many of the people who recommend this (and I have no idea what your situation is) have little to no contact with these adult children anymore. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again…you have to be ready to give up. I’m not. Not yet.
    I really respect everything you and everyone else have to say, even if I don’t sound like it.
    -Gal

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