Dear J…I am not a fool.

I know when you are high. I know when you hang out with Steve and Brian it is very bad news. I know when you are off-balance it is not a good sign. I know when you don’t want to call me back or let me see you, that something is wrong. I know when your pupils are the size of pin dots that you have used opiates. I know what it means when you sleep all the time. I am sad that your girlfriend excepts you as you are. You both need help. You need a professional program that you can commit to and give your life to, because your life depends on it. I am glad you liked your Christmas presents. Do not come home until you have a future. I don’t know what that is for you and I am no longer willing to help you find it. If you use once, twice, sparingly, sporadically or whatever way you rationalize it…you have relapsed. I appreciate how hard you try to hide it from me but oh how it INFURIATES me when you look me in the eyes and lie.

I want to not care. I want to stop investing in your recovery and addiction but I just have not mastered it yet. I get close but then retreat right back into old habits. You will be sad one day when I have given up every expectation and hope I have ever had for you, sadly I think you will soon not be capable of noticing. I will be working hard on mastering the art of complete detachment.

Despair is a horrible feeling to have around the holidays but it is getting to be a familiar feeling. Why can you not hold it together? I will not be there to watch you fall apart. Do not call me from jail, court or any other mother’s worse nightmare. I feel such fear at all the possibilities including the ones I have witnessed up close and personal…like death.

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About madyson007

I am a mom of 4 who thought she was home free with her oldest son when he went off to college. My serious blunder? Genetics and being naive or maybe just plain stupid.
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5 Responses to Dear J…I am not a fool.

  1. Syd says:

    It is sad that it comes to this but in order for you to have any kind of life, detachment is needed. Not giving up your love but simply realizing that J. has to make it because he wants to. It won’t be anything that you do, but what he does. If he wants sobriety bad enough, it will happen.

  2. Kristi says:

    I think this post is good therapy. I am working hard at learning how to detach in a healthy and loving way myself…it’s not easy, but I “practice” it with even the smallest of situations and that seems to be helping me get my head around how this detachment stuff works. In spite of your current situation with Jay, I hope you are able to have a nice and peaceful Christmas. My prayers are with us all this holiday season and throughout the year!

  3. Ajb says:

    I just left a comment on your previous post so i don’t know if you saw it yet but again, your words are my feelings to a tee. I am i awe of how you hit the nail on the head every time. I tell my husband about you out there in internet land who are my sanity in my insane world. This post is right where i am with my son. Thank you for taking the time to write it for me to read.

  4. naomi says:

    My ex partner is 28 and his parents have bailed him out ever since he was 16. He stole over $30,000 dollars, robbed them countless times, they give him money everyday, pay for his car AND his home. He is currently in intensive care as he has ODd on diazepam. I have seen more people go downhill because of their families constant financial support and their offerings of accomodating and food etc. etc. It is horrible to turn somebody away, especially your child, but I know better than anyone, what utter utter shit and turmoil you can cause your parents. I have heard of narcanon via reading CHRISTIANE F they were in germany. She described it as a wacko place, fair enough that was the 70s in berlin. What are they like now? Curious to know. Hope christmas has been good for you. Take care, best wishes for 2011. I pray for your son

    Naomi x

  5. Lisa says:

    Sounds like a letter I can write to my son…I haven’t mastered the pupil detection because I think I choose not to know for sure! I just know..I think that is enough! I don’t care how I know but that I do!

    Is your son civil and repectful? Because I have been verbally abused and manipulated for a few years now. In fact, he threatens suicide regularly (well did till I called police and had him admitted … They labeled him narcissistic and not a threat to himself …ha!)

    It sounds from your later posts you have learned a lot in a small amount of time..you seem to be learning detachment and I’m going to continue to read your blog because you are helping me from our similar story alone!

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