I know when you are high. I know when you hang out with Steve and Brian it is very bad news. I know when you are off-balance it is not a good sign. I know when you don’t want to call me back or let me see you, that something is wrong. I know when your pupils are the size of pin dots that you have used opiates. I know what it means when you sleep all the time. I am sad that your girlfriend excepts you as you are. You both need help. You need a professional program that you can commit to and give your life to, because your life depends on it. I am glad you liked your Christmas presents. Do not come home until you have a future. I don’t know what that is for you and I am no longer willing to help you find it. If you use once, twice, sparingly, sporadically or whatever way you rationalize it…you have relapsed. I appreciate how hard you try to hide it from me but oh how it INFURIATES me when you look me in the eyes and lie.
I want to not care. I want to stop investing in your recovery and addiction but I just have not mastered it yet. I get close but then retreat right back into old habits. You will be sad one day when I have given up every expectation and hope I have ever had for you, sadly I think you will soon not be capable of noticing. I will be working hard on mastering the art of complete detachment.
Despair is a horrible feeling to have around the holidays but it is getting to be a familiar feeling. Why can you not hold it together? I will not be there to watch you fall apart. Do not call me from jail, court or any other mother’s worse nightmare. I feel such fear at all the possibilities including the ones I have witnessed up close and personal…like death.