Fake sobriety is better than relapse…

I am seriously considering not blogging anymore. Every time I think things can’t get worse…stupid me. I have not been able to get a hold of Jay for a couple of days. He is not answering his phone, his girlfriend is not giving me a straight answer and Sunday he stopped by to drop off dirty laundry and to borrow our vacuum cleaner. Then the next day I come home and his girl friends car is in our driveway but they are nowhere to be found. Then I go out again to check on their car and they are gone? I have just about every stitch of clothing he owns and I have not heard from him since Sunday and he has my damn vacuum cleaner. I can see on his Facebook that he has been in contact with questionable characters. I really give up. I shouldn’t be surprised but it is like getting punched in the gut. I am breathless.

I will never ever say my son is clean again. You win GOD. I should have been down on my knees praising fake sobriety. I won’t make that mistake again. This time it is me who is lost.

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About madyson007

I am a mom of 4 who thought she was home free with her oldest son when he went off to college. My serious blunder? Genetics and being naive or maybe just plain stupid.
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10 Responses to Fake sobriety is better than relapse…

  1. Lisa C says:

    I know that you feel this way, but his relapse is not your failure and it is nothing that you need to feel embarrassed about (keep posting!) or responsible for, although I know that is how we often feel.

    Every time Jay attempts sobriety, even if he fails, it is a step in the right direction; and maybe the next one will stick. So don’t give up hope, but don’t take responsibility.

    You don’t need to vacuum during the holidays anyway (LOL… a little humor), and I just want you to find something good to focus on, and give yourself a little break. You deserve it.

  2. Syd says:

    When I truly decided to turn my will and life over to my Higher Power, then I knew that God had me. I could let go of my grip on trying to have things my way and really trust that God would take care of things. I don’t think that you are lost at all.

  3. Renee C. says:

    My heart goes out to you. I hope you do not stop blogging. Those are your thoughts and feelings and they are not wrong. They are how you feel and perceive what is going on and we have all been there. I will continue to pray for your son but mostly for you. No one but other mothers of addicts/recovering addicts feel our pain. No one can understand it. I cannot talk to my family about these things, that is why you are so important. I feel like you are my family when it comes to this. (hugs)

  4. Dawn M. McCoy says:

    Madyson. hard. just allow yourself the option of not wondering ‘is he using’ not thinking ‘do his eyes look funny?’….just let him come over whenever, enjoy what time you have, and let it go. he is going to use, or not use according to whatever happens to HIM, not to you.

    quit investing at all in his sobriety, lack of sobriety, treatment options. quit investing in anything at all about him, just let him in the door when he shows up, feed him a meal, kiss him goodbye each time, give him a hug, and pray every night.

    you have reached a point, (we all do) which is called ‘detachment’. you have to quit thinking about his using and just simply go on with your life.

    minimize any damage he can do to you (no more borrowing the vacuum etc.) do NOT think, hope or accept that he is clean, even when he says he is.

    just accept what/where it is for the NOW and go on with your life.

    and, keep blogging…there IS another step past this one. and many of us have gotten there. It is quite liberating.

    It’s to still love the child you had, while protecting yourself from the demon that consumes him. I don’t mean that in a biblical way, just that the drug acts like a demon LOL.

    Try to have a good Christmas/Hannukah season.

    dawn

  5. Helga says:

    What is it about addicts and vaccum cleaners? When I used to still enable my daughter, every time we set her up with a new apartment, the first thing she wanted was a vaccum cleaner. I must be missing something. Dawn is right. We are not in control of our kids anymore, addicts or not. I have tried to live my life daughter-worry-free, and it has been great. Of course, I get sad at times and I miss her, but her life and mine go on, whether I worry about it or not. All you can do is pray and take care of yourself. Merry Christmas.

  6. Renee C. says:

    well said Dawn

  7. The three C’s ..one of them states you can not Control…

    I hope this helps you…

    http://addictionjournal.net/?p=758

    – peace

  8. Momma says:

    I hope you don’t quit blogging. I just discovered your blog and would like to follow. I can’t even tell you how stupid I felt when my son relapsed… I had to have been the worst parent ever. Don’t beat yourself up. It doesn’t help anyone. Take care…

  9. Ajb says:

    Madyson: This is exactly why I read your blog,this post IS me with my son and as others have stated, we all relate to the PAIN of wanting SO badly to be able to believe there will be an end to the addiction. I think others who are further along than I am are trying to say that we must go through the 4 stages of grief and then accept the death of the idea we once had about our child’s life and form a new one where we detach and no longer ‘own’ our child’s addiction. Easier said than done, but i know it is very necessary if we are to ever have any normalcy in our family again. If i was near you i would give you a big hug. You need to do whatever you have to in order to minimize your stress and if blogging gets too much for you then i will understand. I just want you to know how much it helps me to read your words.. It is such an overwhelming feeling for me because you are living my pain.. Sometimes saying exactly what i say regarding my son. I shake my head with agreement often, wondering why someone makes the choices my son makes with no outward rhyme or reason. This blog is like my support group. I was silent for a long time just absorbing your words. Through the summer i cried many times.. Still do but i always know where to go to get some comfort..RIGHT here to read your experiences and others comments..it gives me a renewed feeling many times after a particularly battering day. You are very valued..more than you will ever know. I hope you have some moments of peace during this holiday. I know for myself i dread every single one because they often get turned upside down with the erratic behavior. I am going to try to have some enjoyment with family and hopefully someone will give me something to laugh about and to feel good about this Christmas. I wish this for you too.

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