So we wait…

I have known this for a long time but have no clue how to change it. I do not believe my son is using, he is clean but is her sober? What constitutes sobriety? It does not seem to be enough that he is no longer using because his circumstances remain the same. He is at a stand still in his life. Fixing it, is enabling but doing nothing is a dead end. So we all sit here playing our parts and nothing changes.

My son needs therapy, he needs a program and something to live for, something to follow. He has lost his way. I can’t find this path for him he needs to search it out for himself. When I find the answer for him…it is a lost cause because it has no meaning for him. Only he can find his way while I wait and pray that it happens very soon because it is painful for us all.

When I say will not force my child into a program it is because it will be meaningless. Interventions have a place in addiction but it is not “THE” answer. I have an adult child who I do not believe would be eligible for rehab because he is not actively using. BUT I am telling you there is still despair and sadness all around. Hope will only come when he takes action. So we wait…

Does he know we love him? Can he feel our impotence, our inability to act? Does he know we are waiting?

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About madyson007

I am a mom of 4 who thought she was home free with her oldest son when he went off to college. My serious blunder? Genetics and being naive or maybe just plain stupid.
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16 Responses to So we wait…

  1. Ajb says:

    I have been following your blog for a while. I, too, have a 21 year old son who is abusing drugs..he has done all kinds..but he chooses benzos for the most part. He has been in therapy until recently..his therapist has not been able to help him because he is not ready. He has been in DBT therapy–dialectical behavioral therapy– due to depression,anxiety and suividal thoughts. We have tried everything we can think of to help him but he now knows how to play games with doctors. He knows to never tell them he is feeling suicidal. He has been on vagious antidepressants but doesnt like the way he feels on them. He also has a chronic kidney disease sine he was 4 yrs pld which he needs daily medication for. My husband has helped him every step of the way to get him to the point of graduating college, which has been a hellish journey. So where are we now? The night before he is supposed to walk with his graduating class, he is high on God knows what at his college 45 minutes away and we dont know if he is going to be safe tonight as his somewhat girl friend is leaving and wanted to know if shr could drop him off at our house because he can’t drive. My husband said no. My heart is broken in thousands of pieces and I am petrified he is going to die. I completlely understand your last paragraph and hope we both find the way through this. I hope both our boys figure it out soon. Thank you for your blog. It gives me tremendous comfort where nowhere in my life can any more.

    • madyson007 says:

      You made me cry. That horrible feeling of hopelessness is an awful feeling. I know what it feels like to be scared all the time. I am so glad you left a message and that you gain some comfort from reading my blog. There are days that I think about stopping because I am not sure what I am gaining by it. It feels intrusive into my sons life but the need to get things off my chest wins out. It really wasn’t until I started to blog that I could start to detach some what. I pray that we can all find some peace.

      • Ajb says:

        I am not brave like you and believe me everyone of you out there that blogs about your life dealing with an addict are incredibly brave. You bare your soul and I know it is a deep source of comfort to me to know I am not alone in my desert of despair. I’m sorry I made you cry. I just wanted you to know how grateful I am to you for sharing your life with complete strangers like me. It is weird how I feel a bond with people I have never met or spoken to whereas my family and friends cant know the utter despair I feel. I know you said that you are not surr if it’s right to be sharing your son’s story but selfishly on my part I thank God you do. i hope you feel peace soon. I hope i will some day regain a feeling of security. (Sorry for any typos as i am typing this on my ipod touch.) I have thoughts and feelings i am ashamed of about my son that I did not have prior to his abuse of drugs.one of which is that if i had to do it over again i dont think i could because the pain is so acute so frequently. I would never have thought that before and that knowledge that the thought is now there just adds to my pain as i always loved and wanted my children. I feel like a failure now.

  2. i am so sorry you are hurting. I will pray for you. I hope you are taking care of yourself. You know what im talking about.

    There is absolutely nothing we can do as parents.

    The best weapon you have is the word of God and prayer..

    You are loved
    Brother Frankie

  3. Syd says:

    I am sure that he knows you love him. But I truly believe that he has to learn to love himself. I learned to do that in a 12 step program. There is a solution.

  4. Barbara says:

    I agree with everything you said. But….what if you offered him therapy (if you can afford it). To me that is different than suggesting something, its saying, we care and are willing to provide you some help”. I know that is probably controversial but that’s my take on it.

  5. Sheila says:

    I am also waiting for my daughter. She too is lost and adrift. I don’t think she’s using, but she has no plan, no therapy, no program. She has been offered them but is not taking advantage of those opportunities.

  6. Barbara says:

    YES! Vegas! I am THERE. (of course Florida is probably better for most people but Vegas is inexpensive and has tons of stuff to do).

  7. Renee C. says:

    I know exactly what you mean and feel your pain. I am lucky as my daughter asked for help and went to rehab but even after her return she was lost and searching for something and needed some help. I think she will always need some kind of help, however she will be celebrating her 1 yr clean in 2 weeks. It is a big celebration at NA which is is a member of and very active in. She still has time where I really worry about her going back. I dont think she will but it is always in the back of my mind. She sat around doing nothing for 4-5 months of her getting clean process which even though I was worried, she said she needed that time. She had a part time job, got laid off and then I worried again. God is looking out for her and rewarding her for all her good work. She is starting a full time job January 3rd and is so excited and she actually feels like she will be contributing. I hope your son figures out what it is he is needs and gets the help he needs. I would love to tell you that things will be better for you if he gets help, but I still have bad days and months of worry even though she is clean. I know she isnt using and that should be enough but I worry that someone or something will happen to make her go back. This is my pain and my concern even though she is doing fabulous. Sorry for going on and on. I hope you can enjoy the Holidays with your husband and children. Enjoy what you do have. I am looking forward to a wonderful one. Hugs to you. If you need to call me to talk I am here.

  8. beachteacher says:

    Madyson…..I’m sorry….I know…it’s SO maddening….the WHY they won’t/don’t take the necessary steps to what’s better, when help is offered to them.
    Ajb….we KNOW your pain….and I so understand what you said…how odd it is to have others that you never have met really relate to you, and you to them, when you’re in such an intense emotional feeling and place….whereas others who are close to you, …both family and friends, can’t do it in the same way. Please keep writing and responding….we’re all here for each other.

    And YES,…I’m in for Vegas…great idea !!

    • Ajb says:

      Thank you, beachteacher so very much for that affirming reply. It means a lot to me.
      To madyson: when I read your blog, I just relate to so much of what you write. Sometimes it is exactly as if i am reading my own life.. And maybe it’s our boys are the same age. I live in NY so not far from NJ. You just seem to put my thoughts into words so many times. Again, than you.

  9. Nice post…

    my humble interpretation of sobriety…it is a way of life

    I cringe when parents blog / post that their child has been sober for X amount of weeks..To me that is not really sober but rather an abstinence from the drugging.
    Is there a magic number? Not to me..is my son sober..on some levels..some days..Yes he is clean and abstaining from the drugs…but Sobriety is a way of life… a journey with no destination for the entire family.

    Peace this holiday season

  10. Renee C. says:

    AJB- I know how you feel. My daughter is 21 and I can relate to this blog like you and it has been a life saver to me from the first time I found it at the beginning of the year when I found out my daughter was addicted to heroin. I thank God for this blog and the people I have met through this even though I have not met them in person. They are a connection I cannot get through family. I live in PA so we are all in close proximity. I hope things change for your son soon. Bless you for sharing.

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