Perverse relief of detachment…

I  can not remember if I wrote this statement in response to someone, or it is a direct quote.  All I know is that I wrote this post when things were at an all time low many months ago, I am pretty sure it was back in February.  It reflected truly what I was feeling BUT I could not bring myself to post it. I saved it in drafts and went back to read it from time to time but I have always wondered why was it so hard to share it with anybody? I think I have the answer now…it is such a difficult and painful truth that, maybe if I posted it, it would somehow become a self-fulfilling prophecy. This post was inspired by Barbara’s blog post today. Here it is :

“I long to achieve the perverse relief of detachment.”  Today Dawn commented to someone that she has so completely cut her daughter out of her life, it is like she is dead. I was so shocked by this statement! Then strangely enough after I thought about it for awhile I was even MORE shocked because I COMPLETELY understood how a mother could get to that point. I don’t always like what Dawn has to say but I also know it is based on her truth and I recognize how valuable her voice is.  If we want to survive intact, self preservation will have to kick in…for some of us that has already happened.  Am I ready to mourn?

I always take notice when Dawn leaves a comment and wish I could read her blog but it is password protected. If you read this Dawn please allow me to read your blog. I think it is so hard for me to internalize some of the things Dawn has to say because they are like a bitter pill that one day I will have to swallow.  If I embrace her beliefs completely am I giving up, am I fulfilling that prophecy of doom? …OR just maybe I will be saved.

PS Dawn I thought about asking your permission before I posted this but really had no way to do that.  If you are in any way bothered by what I have said, I will gladly take it down. I do not wish to intrude on your privacy or offend by writing what I think you meant.  I do not always appreciate other people’s interpretation on my thoughts.

I have added my emil address to my blog:


About madyson007

I am a mom of 4 who thought she was home free when my oldest son went off to college. My serious blunder? Genetics and being naive or maybe just plain stupid.
This entry was posted in alanon, Naranon. Bookmark the permalink.

9 Responses to Perverse relief of detachment…

  1. Helga says:

    While I cannot speak for Dawn, I know that she has acquired a lot of wisdom through her trial and tribulations with her daughter and she is willing to share it with all of us. All we have to do is listen. I had to put my daughter in a dead state to preserve myself. I think that after a while you do this out of retaining your own sanity and quality of life. I know that I have. My daughter has cut off her relationship with me and her whole family for various reasons. I have turned the grief I felt over this around and now I feel like she did me a favor by letting me assume that she is dead. It is a bitter pill to swallow, but once it’s down, life is really much better. I am with Dawn, it really is the only choice we have.

  2. Dawn McCoy says:

    I need your email to add you. email me at and i will send you an invite.


  3. Dawn McCoy says:

    and no. i am not offended. 🙂

  4. dawn, after all these years of us passing each other in blog land, ta never put me on the list… 🙂

    God is Good, He really does go looking for the one that got away..

    Praying for all you folks.
    Be Blessed
    Brother Frankie

  5. Lisa C says:

    As I think about Dawn’s comments and my own situation and the choices that I’ve made, I’ve come to the conclusion that doing the right thing is often the most painful thing…at least initially.

    But facing the truth means that you can be healthier and happier which is truly better for everyone, especially you.

  6. Sydney says:

    Dawn is right in all she says imo… the message comes across as possibly “gruff” or “too hard of a stance” because not all of us are there yet. We get a payout from enabling and concentrating on our addicts. Our moods shift based on their lives – NOT OK. Only what’s happening in OUR lives should alter our moods. Remaining nuetral or at peace does not give us the highs and lows that the enabling gives – I believe those emotional “highs” are what co-dependants are addicted to. I know I am, but I am prepared to fight tooth and nail for serenity – to attach with love from my addict (mom) and focus on MY LIFE for once.

  7. Syd says:

    I have read Dawn’s comments and they are spot on. I remember after being in Al-Anon for a while that it took so much courage to say that we won’t live with active alcoholism/addiction. Detaching with love is a key ingredient to the program. I have heard so many parents say that they have given their child to God because they were not his/her Higher Power.

  8. heathersmom1 says:

    Hey, it’s Heather’s Mom replying to this post and the last (catching up as we have family in town staying with us this week – but they went to Epcot tonight!)…
    This post – I love what Dawn says b/c it’s always THE TRUTH. I’m not always “there”, sometimes I’m floating in the river De Nile… but I trust her wisdom without fail and am so thankful for her.
    Last post – yep – I do that too!!! Was doing it again as recently as today – then BAM talked to Heather – I’ll have to post about it when I get a chance – but in the meanwhile, I take the “rebuke” and tell myself again, I am not God… put my expectations away… lol
    Next post (while I’m at it!) – maybe this makes me 15,001!!! That’s awesome the word you’re getting out to THAT many people who need the encouragement/comradship – just knowing they are not alone…
    God bless.

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