Heather’s Mom really got me thinking when she left me a comment on my last post. I realize that my secret expectations for J are still there. You know the one where he goes back to college, gets a wonderful job and supports me in my old age 🙂 …ok well maybe that’s taking it a bit far but you know what I mean. When he starts to look and act umm “normal” for lack of a better word…I start to feel all my great expectations coming back which is stupid on my part because I am setting him up to fail and for me to be disappointed AGAIN. It’s easy to let go of those expectations when your addict is a “train wreck” but what about when he starts to recover? I need to recognize that this is my problem not J’s. He is already adjusting his life accordingly and expecting him to do it on my time schedule or doing it the way I think he should be doing it…is dangerous thinking on my part. Pure and simple he needs to come up with a plan and a way to accomplish it and if I want to have a healthy relationship with him I am going to have to accept and support him in it. Wow don’t I sound enlightened? When did this happen?
I do realize this may be a step forward and you all can remind me of it when I take 5 steps back…but I’m trying really I am.
PS I take back the enlightened healthy part…apparently not so much? Comments from wise parents say otherwise. Damn and I thought I was doing so well. ;o)
A Mom's Serious Blunder... 
“Pure and simple he needs to come up with a plan and a way to accomplish it and if I want to have a healthy relationship with him I am going to have to accept and support him in it”
Uh, HELLO !! No you don’t. Therein lies your disappointment.
regardless of where he is in recovery or relapse, it is NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS anymore. for you to say Pure and Simple, he NEEDS to come up with a plan,
well, that IS expectation.
its really insidious. It sneaks in and whacks us upside the head without us even knowing it.
The truth is…
My child is an addict.
I will NOT let that addiction impact me or my life or my plans.
I will NOT participate in his life any longer.
His life is HIS life to live, make bad decisions, make good decisions, make NO decisions.
I will live my life irrespective of what his decisions are.
I will not either support or not support his choices. I will acknowledge that they are HIS choices.
as always, just my opinion
I forgot. even though i said “I will NOT participate in his life any longer….”
what I MEANT was “I will NOT control his life, try to control his life, or make comments about his choices. I will continue to love my child on MY terms.
Those are my terms no?
As I was struggling last week with putting a spare tie in Bryan’s car, it seems every thought we have and every decision we make for ourselves about our children gets questioned, once they have been an addict. Dawn is right, but I do like the way you said it; and maybe that is evidence that I’m not that healthy.
For most parents that don’t have an addict for a child, they listen to what their kids want to do with their lives, they often support those plans by providing “seed money,” providing a roof over their head because they can’t afford an apartment, by paying some or all of schooling, they talk about their bhild’s goals and objectives and give constructive (and sometimes not so constructive) feedback; and it all seems to work for them. And no one refers to them as codependents, they refer to them as parents.
So I think that you may be able to support (it might just be enthusiastic discussion and prayers) J’s choices. You might offer some material assistance once in awhile, but whatever you do, you check your motives first. And if they are pure and not to control the situation, I think it is okay.
I’ve never been an addict (I’ve always been codependent), but before I moved to Denmark to go to school (100 years ago), my mom and dad let me move back in to their house rent free so that I could save money for the big event. They lent me some money to buy my first house (and of course I paid them back). They never questioned themselves on helping me, but I didn’t give them cause to because they had not been enabling addictive behavior for many years before.
So I use some of Dawn’s message and thoughts because there is truth there; and I try to always check my motives. That’s just my opinion.
I don’t know if I am doing anything related to my son “right or wrong” because I decided trying to figure that out was driving me crazy! Now I just take it as it comes and decide what to do as I go along. My expectations are that he stay off drugs, follow the terms of his probation and treat his family with respect. My hopes are that he can find peace in his life. I will continue to screw up and so will he but everyone does whether they are an addict or not. At least this is where I am today 🙂
Letting him have his own plan without interfering or expecting anything from him is a good thing. It is when I don’t keep the focus on me and my life that I get into trouble.
It is a process, and like it or not, Dawn often hits the nail right on the head, no sugar coating. It takes us each time to get to the point of pure acceptance of what is, and letting go so we can live our life, keep the focus on our own issues and as Syd points out, keep the focus on ourselves because that is the only thing we truly have some control over.