Waiting for the other shoe to drop…

but so far so good. I feel so foolish when I post that he is doing well…it is like getting kicked in the teeth when something happens. You all know that feeling the one that knocks the breath out of you and moves your heart into your throat so that you can’t even swallow. I want to believe but I am no longer that naive mother who thinks blindly that this is it, it is all over and we made it through.  He is 2 months clean now and that is a huge accomplishment for him.  He is dealing with multiple legal issues which are going to effect him for the rest of his life and of course this breaks my heart…and before everyone starts leaving messages about how there are consequences for his actions and they are his consequences yada, Yada, YADA.  I understand that and so does he BUT it still breaks my heart to know that he will not be able to vote, he will not be able to receive financial aid for college and will have to check that box that asks “Are you a convicted felon?” all because of those very stupid choices he made. Please join me in praying for sobriety with happiness and an eagerness to get on with his life for J. I am happy he is alive.

<Looking up to see if there is a shoe hovering and covering my head in anticipation>…so sad not to be able to fully engage in happiness for J’s  sobriety.

I think I am going to blog next about  “Why does sobriety not necessarily= happiness?” for the addict nor the loved ones in their lives.

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About madyson007

I am a mom of 4 who thought she was home free with her oldest son when he went off to college. My serious blunder? Genetics and being naive or maybe just plain stupid.
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20 Responses to Waiting for the other shoe to drop…

  1. Dawn McCoy says:

    because unfortunately, there is this nasty thing called relapse. and even when they are sober, we constantly look for signs that they have relapsed.

    you are not free yet sister mine.

    when you stop looking for relapse, when you quit owning his addiction at all, THEN you are free.

  2. Renee says:

    Ditto to Dawn!

  3. Kristi says:

    I hear you!! I get the whole consequences thing too, but sometimes it still just sucks! My son currently has a felony charge for possession of a controlled substance hanging over his head and only time will tell if he also has to check that damn little box the rest of his life or not. I worry about the additional obstacles this will present for him in his efforts to stay clean, primarily with finding jobs. And, just like you, I am totally aware that he did every bit of this to himself but as a mom, as his mom, I hate to see the mess he’s made and know that some of it may well follow him the rest of his life regardless of whether or not he stays clean and is a responsible and productive member of society. It’s heartbreaking and I share your thoughts.

    • peglud says:

      Ditto to all the above. Yes, our addicts made some bad choices and now have to pay the consequences. However, they were using when they made these choices. The disease of addiction made these choices, NOT our son or daughter – – – kinda. My daughter faces thousands of dollars of debt, legal issues (misdemeanor shoplifting charge), suspended driver’s license, etc. Now that she’s sober, how can she keep from being overwhelmed by all the messes she needs to clean up? I just don’t know. I spoke with Hayley this evening. She is trying, valiantly, to take one day at a time. She is acknowledging all that she faces, and still seems grateful to be sober. Should I ask family members to chip in and wipe out some of her debt? So that she can at least get her driver’s license back? Would this be enabling, or just giving a hand up out of addiction? Don’t know. Peggy

      • Dawn McCoy says:

        Peggy. You are doing so well, and so is your daughter. but do NOT enable her by making any of her consequences go away. That just makes it easier to go back to using. Facing all those consequences may be hard, and it is, however, NOT facing them makes the addict think “well, why NOT, look, I got out of it this time by just going to rehab and Mom fixed everything.”

        As hard as it is to see them suffer, and also to think (and you will), Wow, all this stress may send her right back to using (a possibility – but so is crossing the street and running into their dealer?), it is a necessary step in rehabilitation. Ask any rehab counselor. Facing and dealing with all the consequences of their using is probably the MOST important continuing step they can take.

  4. kristi says:

    It is hard because they do things where it follows them for the rest of their life. My nephew will be in the same boat when he is released from prison.

  5. Ron Grover says:

    I know that feeling so well. It seems that everytime I post anything positive he screws it up. I too have that shoe hovering. LOL

    I agree with Dawn when we stop looking for relapse we then become free. I am not there yet, still have that gnawing inside that wants it be over but in my mind I know full well it isn’t that easy.

  6. Ron Grover says:

    ps.: Fortunately my son only has felony for theft so student loan is still possible but I am not holding my breath that it will stay that way for long, not with his activities lately. I’ve heard he is a runner for someone, I haven’t spoke to him since the 4th all my info is through his mother who talks to his girlfriend.

  7. Barbara says:

    Sigh. I know this feeling so well. I remember thinking to myself, he has 6 months, 7, 8…9! And with each month I told myself NOT to get overconfident cause he could relapse at any moment, but honestly, there were days I thought he had it beat (silly me). Then at nine months…he was back at it.

    I think Dawn is right but it takes time to get there, I am much further there than I was a year ago or even six months ago.

    Praying for you and J.

  8. gal says:

    Madelyn, I’ve been grieving for my daughter and her lost potential for the last 18 months. I can tell you’re still grieving for what you thought might be. And it still could be, of course, but that’s up to him. And certainly not on your timetable. The fear of relapse is what it is. Try your best to enjoy the peace of his sobriety…one day at a time. As of a couple of days ago, my daughter’s been clean almost 6 months. But she fights clinical depression every day, and I’m still in the stage where I know the shoe could drop once again. I’m less co-dependent than I was last year, but I have such a long way to go. I no longer think much about the fact that this brilliant young woman who earned several college scholarships has been told “three strikes, you’re out” by the last university she attended. I work hard to remain positive, pleased that she remains employed and independent right now. Madelyn, this is what I tell my parents and my other daughter: Every day she remains off of heroin is another day she is in control and there is hope.

  9. Syd says:

    It is hard to let go of what has happened in the past. I don’t know if the PTSD ever really leaves. But I do my best to focus on this day. And to not project into the future.

  10. Lisa C says:

    It would be nice if we could just revel in their sobriety for the moment that we know about it. We’ve worried about them their entire lives; and worried double and triple time through their addictions. Everyone is right that we have to be able to let loose and focus on the current and not project, but as also stated, easier said than done.

    Ron, I am thinking of Alex and your family constantly. I’m so sorry that he is pushing the envelope and you all have to be a witness to that. Take care.

  11. Renee C. says:

    I am there with you and understand what you are talking about. My daughter is 6 1/2 months clean and yes every 1/2 counts. I am always waiting for the other shoe to drop even though she gives me no signs of that happening. Why do we look for that? We are parents and love them and want the best for them. Yes we are not supposed to feel responsible for their addiction and their problems but what parent who cares for their children doesn’t. I would think it would take years and years before we lose that feeling. I obviously am not there yet. I will continue to pray for J and all the other recovering and nonrecovering addicts and their families. I would like to see the next blog you mentioned. Sounds about right! Hugs to you and remember you are among friends and there are people who understand exactly what you are going through because we are going through it also.

  12. Erin says:

    I am constantly looking for signs of relapse. I spent last night combing my 22 year old son’s room. I hate living like this but I can’t seem to stop. I still don’t know when he is telling the truth, I don’t know if I will ever believe him again. I also feel the same way when I tell someone that he is doing well, that is has been a few months since he used, fear that it will be ripped away again. I totally understand your heartbreak, and I too am glad that my son is still alive.

  13. Tori Lee says:

    Just want to mention….Someone I know who had issues way in the past and was a felon (for drugs) turned in to an extremely hard working amazing family man. Maybe 7 or so years later, decided to go in a field that you couldn’t be a felon. He obtained an Attorney, letters from reputable people and although it did cost some money( $4000k I think) got it exponged (?) from his record and it was easy. My family Doctor’s son is an Attorney (who was an addict and dealer but never caught) and he just did the same thing for his friend (who was caught- Ironically this was his very first case) and the Judge took care of it. IIf your son continues to do well, they most likely will not prevent him from doing better in the future. Please don’t worry about that. As that last Judge said, she would never prevent someone from moving forward in their life when they show they have “served their time”. The first judge refused and they went to Court again and this Judge had no problem.

  14. heathersmom1 says:

    I so understand your feelings. The thing that has helped me is to remind myself that what I envisioned for Heather’s future, isn’t necessarily what God envisioned for her future, and he will be there with her for her future. And then I remember that – whether Heather becomes a doctor, or receptionist, or sales clerk, or stockbroker… it so doesn’t matter, I will love her the same. And any hardships she’s going to encounter in her future due to mistakes of the past… will be just that, her life… just as being an unwed pregnant teen on government assistance is part of my past… we all do the best we can.
    Even if he has to check that box, he’s still moving forward, living his life. I hope these words are encouraging, things don’t always come out right in typing!
    And I guess first things first, I am going to continue praying for J and continued sobriety and happiness for him.
    God bless.

    • madyson007 says:

      You are right I really have to change my expectations. I always think I have changed them but then he starts to looks so normal and I start to assume that he is back to being that capable young man I thought I raised.

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