Are things crumbling already?

The one and only drug test that we hold “over his head” is missing on the one day my husband questions how he looks.  He of course has no idea where it is and he is fine and we are all out of our minds. I don’t know what to say…I am not even sure I want to blog anymore.  I use to think this made me feel better, now it just makes me feel stupid.  I am not sure you will hear from me for awhile.

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About madyson007

I am a mom of 4 who thought she was home free with her oldest son when he went off to college. My serious blunder? Genetics and being naive or maybe just plain stupid.
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20 Responses to Are things crumbling already?

  1. Ron Grover says:

    The mysteries never end our house. Where is this, what happened to that…… There is nothing special about your experience in this aspect. Trying to make sense of what an addict does is pointless. That will drive you crazy, at least it has us.

    You have to take care of yourself. If blogging helps then it must be something you want. If it doesn’t help then it is just one more endless task and I know if you are like the rest of us, peace and time is golden. Don’t waste either.

  2. gal says:

    Don’t waste precious energy trying to figure out why the drug test is missing. Simply run to the drug store and buy another right now. And make him take the test, with your husband in the bathroom with him. One thing has proved to be absolute for us…when the addict is clean, he/she will delight in taking the test, if only to prove a point. If he doesn’t want to take it, you can be pretty sure he knows he will fail. Once he fails, prepare for silly excuses, such as cough medicine, No Doz, etc. etc.
    I suspect you don’t want to blog because you’re depressed and want to crawl into a corner in a fetal position and wish the world away. Boy, do I know that feeling. Now, more than ever, you need support. You’re on a roller coaster that only parents of addicts can truly understand. Keep reaching out. You’re not alone.
    -Gal

  3. Renee says:

    Oh boy, do I know this trick. First, please do not feel “stupid”, we have ALL been where you are in some way or another, and many of us still are. The last time my son was staying with us, I had a drug test on hand and one night I decided to make him take it because I knew in my gut he had been getting high. He took it, I stood in the doorway and watched him take it. It came up negative, BUT it was a tiny amount and super yellow. I actually smelled it, it was not urine! He told me I was crazy, I had even watched him do it. I found out later he was using what he called a “wizinater” which can be hidden very easiliy, he was using it to pass probation tests also. I even patted him down before he went in the bathroom and all he had on were his shorts. Geez, talk about feeling kinda stupid:) I mean a wizinater…wow. We are here for you and I agree, support is important, it was what has helped me the most. I don’t know if you attend Al-Anon or not, I never thought it was the thing for me, but it has helped me so much. I will continue to keep you and your son in my thoughts whether you blog or not. Feel free to email me also. (((HUGS)))

    • peglud says:

      I, too, find the support of Al-Anon to be a comfort. Absolutely every one in the room has experienced some form of what you’re going through – and it feels good to not feel so crazy, to know that other people relate and understand.
      Only blog when you feel like it. If it helps to vent, we are all hear to listen and respond. If you need a break, take one. But, we all are interested in your journey and care about your highs and lows.
      Wow – I don’t even know about this wizinater device. Does it work for women, as well? Peggy

  4. Barbara says:

    Well if you’re stupid so are all of the rest of us! Please don’t feel that way (yet, I totally get it, have felt stupid more times than I can count).

    What Annette said is funny – yet not. I know my son has used several tricks too. I am glad he’s getting tested at probation now so I don’t have to worry about it. They usually do a swab test, sometimes urine, sometimes they make them wear a patch. I wonder if us parents can get those patches????

    I hope you keep blogging, we all need each other!

    • Lisa C says:

      Barbara:

      I can’t get into your blog…this appears to be new….I was able to access it last week. Please invite me! as I miss the connection.

      • madyson007 says:

        I am so sorry Lisa. I always look forward to your comments. My blog is not locked and there is no way to invite you. Is It Barbs blog you are looking to get into? If you ask her for an invite I am sure she will let you in. I know “A Mom’s Serious Blunder” is not locked.

  5. Awwwwwwwww, HUGS. Why would YOU feel stupid??? My goodness, we’ve all been there and done all kinds of stupid things! I can’t even count my stupid mistakes in dealing with J anymore. Its a part of the learning process. Don’t leave us!!! We all need each other!!!

  6. Renee C says:

    Please know we are here for you and thinking of you. Your blogs help us all in our recovery and with our addicts problems more than you know. Hugs

  7. Kristi says:

    Just another day in the life I’m afraid, and we all live that life right along side of you! You’re in good company and you’re certainly not alone. Hang on there and I hope you decide to continue blogging. if you have a safe (many parents of addicts do) I would keep the drug tests in it…that’s what I do. I buy them in bulk too as I’m sure many of us do….sad is that? Keeping you in my prayers!
    Kristi

  8. Syd says:

    I hope that you will do what is needed to take care of yourself. If blogging helps, that is great. I can only suggest that Al-Anon has helped me more than anything. I found out that I don’t have to feel miserable. I can have a life and enjoy it. It has freed me from my own self-constructed prison of obsessing over others.

  9. Debby says:

    You are not stupid. Your son is an addict. They are highly manipulative because they have to learn ways to get high hoping to slip by, undetected. My son says that while he felt guilty lying to me, his need to use was far greater. Drugs kidnap our kid’s. Period. I drug tested my son and watched him do it, etc. etc. Turns out he hid fake pee in places I wouldn’t dream of searching. ‘Nuff said. It’s okay to take a break from blogging. I do that, often. I blog when I’m feeling a need to vent. When I feel things are doing okay, I go “dark”. You have support, here. I hope that you can find support through faith. I’m subscribing to you, so I won’t miss a post. Come back when you are ready. May the good Lord give you strength and wisdom. My heart goes out to you.
    Blessings,
    Debby

  10. Dawn McCoy says:

    i’m sorry. try to stay in touch and stay around. just take a vacay from blogging occasionally. it’s what i do. sometimes, even reading the other blogs becomes too much. somedays, i just dont’ even want to THINK about heroin. or know it exists.

  11. Lisa C says:

    I can’t add much more to what everyone said, because we’ve all been there; and this is the safe place to talk about the manipulation, the lies, the stealing, etc. I remember thinking at some point “I can’t tell a single person that my son has stolen $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ from us! No one will understand 1) why it took us so long to figure it out and 2) how our only son could behave like that? When I found this community I didn’t feel stupid, I felt relieved because all of this behavior and the actions including car stuff, job stuff, money stuff, drug test stuff, etc. etc. etc. was truly understood by everyone!

    And if you don’t feel like blogging, you don’t have to! We all have been there too. Take care of yourself. You remain in my thoughts and my prayers.

  12. HerBigSad says:

    This truly brought back memories. My daughter once passed me a cup that I watched from the bathroom door as she “filled it”. It was frigid and only faintly yellow. She had dipped the cup in the toilet water during the process to dilute the test.

    Another time, she handed me a somewhat cool test that I did not actually witness. Looked right…. smelled a bit strong. Turned out she had urine stashed in a water bottle in the bathroom cabinet for test usage and it was becoming a bit concentrated.

    I learned to drain the toilet and turn off all water supplies to the bathroom, and closely witness the test. It was a relief when I finally got to Alanon and learned about powerlessness and surrender. She was legally an adult. My pissed-off level, her ability to circumvent my best efforts to keep her clean, and her mounting and increasingly serious consequences all coincided with my newfound Alanon principles and I (finally) opted for detaching with love. It took me a long, long time to get there.

    Please know, that you are not stupid. You are a loving and heartbroken Mom, who is watching her beloved son flounder in front of her eyes, and can’t seem to reach him in any way that will make a difference. It is the most frustrating, painful thing many of us will ever go through. I sit there some days and hear of more misery on the news and I’m like, “who gives a rat’s ass what’s going on over “there”, my daughter is a heroin addict.” Everything else is just so unimportant.

    And yet, please know, you can find meaning and purpose and contentment in your life, even with that ever present cloud of sadness that follows you around. I will not go as far as some and state categorically that you will be happy; but you can be content and you can come to the realization that much in your life is good. People told me this for a very long time before I began to realize it was true.

    I still have days where I feel stupid, where I scream and cry, where I just get bowled over by grief. But I’m not stupid. I’m a parent who did her best and now, I love my daughter unconditionally and I just try to treasure every good moment, every good conversation, every good letter, every hug…. From her, from my other daughter, from my husband, my parents, my friends. Maybe I’m just being naive. But I’m finally realizing that the number of times I had the wool pulled over my eyes by Addiction has nothing to do with ME.

    Please remember that we care, we’re on the same path, and we’re here for you. I will be praying for you and your family and hoping that you feel more confident about YOU and what a good mom you are, and that your heart is lighter, very soon!! Blog if you feel like it; don’t if you don’t! But most of all, take care of you! You are worth it!!

  13. heathersmom1 says:

    Writing on the blog is something you should only do – if it is GOOD for you. For me it helps as I feel like I am logging the details, sorting things out in my head – just getting it OUT.
    Like Her Big Sad above – I too had my daughter dip the test in the toilet bowl – it came up negative – at which point I called the High School’s Assistant Principle and let her have it! A YEAR LATER my daughter told me what she had done. Not one of my proudest moments 😦 I still feel bad about the heck I gave the AP 😦
    Just a couple weeks ago my husband went to bat for Heather at the dealership for replacing the leather on her car seat… we have since figured out it was probably from melted hot OxyContin that burned the seat…
    In so many cases we are left feeling stupid, and even worse, due to our own defense of our LYING kid, embarrassed at our actions. This is my past, a couple examples…
    I just want so badly to believe her.
    I will continue praying for you and J.

  14. Kathy M. says:

    Please don’t feel stupid. We have all been there. Personally, I find the blogs a great source of recovery and encouragement, but we all have to do what works for us. I’ll keep you in my prayers.

  15. cdcb says:

    We have absolutely all been there in one form or another, time and time again. If you want to keep writing we are here. If you need a break we understand and will still be here.
    Praying for you and J

  16. tinhih says:

    You are the mother of an addict- you are brave, you are strong, you are heartbroken, but you are love. Buy another test. Start over and realize, it is not easy being the one with reason, rules and consequences. But, I am certain on the other side, its no piece of cake. I personally will be here. Even if only one person finds comfort in your words- YOU- then this blog is priceless! Love and HUGS

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