My lovely son with the sparkling blue eyes came to dinner! I was so happy. He is so handsome, charming and obviously intelligent when he is clean, that you would question whether he is really an addict. Now, I am also an intelligent woman who knows that he is a very sick young adult but I don’t understand these moments of perfect clarity and sobriety. I relish them and are so thankful for them but if he can attain sobriety for days or weeks why choose to go back into hell? I can’t grasp the pay off for addiction because as we all know, they all eventually end up in a horrible place filled with pain, disappointment, shame and regret. What “high” would be worth those consequences especially if you have already experienced them first hand? Why does an addict not fear that inevitable conclusion? Is that what’s missing right from the beginning, the ability to understand or foresee consequences. I think it is possible. It goes along with some of those traits that we seem to see in many of our addicts at a young age… like being self-centered, or being an instant gratification junkie.
After I wrote the above paragraph I got very anxious. I could not really put a finger on what bothered me so much so I saved this draft and thought about it for a while. The epiphany that followed was like a sledge-hammer upside my head. The traits that we have discussed of an addict at an early age are an accurate description of my 10-year-old daughter. I am going to think on this for a while more and blog on it another day but it is very upsetting to think about.