No brainer…

Ron asked “do you ever blame yourself”…which for me is a no brainer, of course I blame myself.  I blame the genetics of both my husband and I, predisposing our son to addiction.  I am a rational woman and I know that sounds a little absurd but it is what I feel.  I can pretend not to but I do. Then I thought about going back to the beginning and asked myself “What exactly could I have done differently?”. Well I realize after thinking about that for awhile and if I was honest with myself, yes there are things I would and could have done differently but would the outcome have changed?  The short answer NO…I don’t think the outcome would have changed.  Wisdom teeth and appendectomies’ happen,  those events do not turn most of us into addicts but it did for my son.  He says the first time he took a Percoset he thought he had found the answer to all of his imagined problems. The first time I took a Percoset  I thought to myself wow this stuff is great but I need to get some work done.  Why is it so different for some?  Is it just me or do addicts all seem to have very similar personality traits?  My son is one of those kids that easily got his feelings hurt.  He was and is the kid that feels things deeply, like crying because his grandfather had to leave and he was going to miss him…didn’t matter if he was going to see him the next day. He was the kid that wanted to rescue everyone and everything.  He was a little bit of a loner because his friends let him down, mostly because his expectations were so high.  In general he has been a very needy kid right from the get go.  He is also and always has been selfish or self centered might be the better word.   Instant gratification was always the goal in his life and I am talking about way before drugs entered into the picture. Do you see similar traits in your children?


About madyson007

I am a mom of 4 who thought she was home free when my oldest son went off to college. My serious blunder? Genetics and being naive or maybe just plain stupid.
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12 Responses to No brainer…

  1. Kristi says:

    Yep, my J shares some of those same traits…he is my sensitive child and also feels things deeply, wasn’t a loner though, I have always described him as sweet, charming, charasmatic, so fun to be with..all things that I think helped him do the things be did in addiction. He could tug at my heartstrings like no other, there’s just always been something there that made me feel sorry for him. As for being self centered, I think that’s just kids in general; however, addiction is rooted in self. But, when not using he’s a very giving child….heavy sigh….. Praying for you!

  2. Sherry says:

    My son J also would feel things deeply. I was a working Mom and he would sob when I would drop him off at daycare, holding onto my legs until he was 3 years old. Or when he was 10 yrs. old, caught a fish and cried because be felt sorry for it because it couldn’t breath. He wasn’t a loner, very popular…athletic. Since he’s my only child, I can’t compare him. I did spoil him some, but he had chores, mowing the lawn from the time he was 9 years old, etc. etc. When he wanted a new game or CD, I would split the cost with him. He did get most of my attention, although my husband was my other child…they would vie (spelling?) for my attention. He has been a giver also, even as a child, wanting to give me sweet cards, etc., but self-centered…as Kristi said…kids in general and some adults.

  3. s says:

    Yes. You described my daughter exactly. Sensitive, caring, emotional, self centered and an extreme need for instant gratification, all from a very early age. I’ve gotten past blaming myself and now know it was meant to be from birth. At this point I’m praying for the right psychiatric evaluation.

  4. Sheila says:

    Loner, needy, instant gratification, overly sensitive and over-emotional – my daughter was and still is all these things. These are also traits that are part of her diagnosed personality disorder.

    I think most addicts are very charming people, which they use to their advantage of course.

    I had to take Percocet after a few different surgeries, and I HATED the stuff. It made me feel stupid and sluggish and SO sleepy. I’d take one, be in a fog for 45 minutes, then sleep until the next one. I cannot imagine anyone enjoying the experience, but I have learned that the brain chemistry of addicts is different from that of nonaddicts.

  5. Syd says:

    I see both sides of the coin–caring, compassionate and then turning in the blink of the eye into a self-centered, irritable and selfish person. It is truly like night and day. Alcoholism is a cunning, baffling and powerful disease.

  6. cdcb says:

    Emotional-check, extreme sensitivity-check, need for instant gratification-check…add to that a huge desire to fit in, low self esteem and a father who has addiction issues (who sucked up most of my time before we split up when she was 10) and you pretty much have my daughter.
    I did the best I could. We all have. And it’s NOT our fault.

  7. All of the above describe my J too. The extreme need for instant gratification is the biggest one tho. And don’t forget manipulative!! Add in there addiction running rampant on my husband’s side of the family (his mother is big-time addicted to Hydrocodone but would never admit it. She takes like 10 of them a day!) His uncle (mother’s brother) died of heart failure after being a cocaine addict for many many years. Grandpa (mother’s father) would just throw a pill of some sort at his kids every time they said “ouch”. Anyways, its a recipe for disaster, and my son followed in the family footsteps.

  8. Ron Grover says:

    We take on way to much of our child’s addiction. That was a very tough lesson for me to learn. At some point we are all accountable for our own actions, addict or not.

    Blaming ourselves is easy for parents. We can forever look back and think about what we would have, should have or could have done different but that solves no problems. The key thing is asking the right question. instead of asking “What would I have done different?” ask the question, “What have I learned?”

    Apply the learning to your life today. We can’t change the past and the future is yet to be written.

  9. Kathy M. says:

    Yes, absolutely, that sounds like my daughter. And, yes, I do believe addicts and alcoholics share many of the same traits, as do Al-Anons. These days, I don’t think of them so much as inherent character traits, but the symptoms of this disease. The good news is that if these are symptoms of this disease then they (and we) can be “restored,” as in step 2. They don’t have to be fixed and permanent.

    When I was told I didn’t cause this disease, it was a hard sell. But today I know that’s true. I’m sure part of it is genetic. Alcoholism runs like a river through both sides of my family. But I also know that my Al-Anonism affected my daughter, just as my parent’s alcoholism and Al-Anonism affected me. That was my part.

    As part of my program, I made amends to my daughter for my part. But I no longer feel responsible for her disease. I know she’d be an alcoholic/addict no matter what I’d done. Hugs to you.

  10. HerBigSad says:

    Yes, a lot of what you mention describes my daughter… I’m grateful that I’ve been able to make amends to her for any part I have played in influencing her journey and then let it go. It’s done, it’s forgiven. Just as I have forgiven her for what she has done as a result of her own disease process. It’s so freeing to be able to love her unconditionally, and have no expectations! And to do things, out of love for her, when I feel they are appropriate, and not do things, when I feel it would be denying her the satisfaction of accomplishing things herself.

    I like to remember “Dad’s” (Ron) analogy about concrete. The mistakes I’ve made are done and permanent… where I am is hardening. I need to keep moving forward. That’s the part of the concrete sidewalk I need to concentrate on! Moving forward before I get trapped in any way!


  11. Barbara says:

    I’m late getting over here but yep, I do see similar traits in my son: selfish or self centered, Instant gratification, a loner. He also has always been “the unique one” in his crowd. He would do the crazy stuff no one else would do. He got the first tattoo and piercings. He was the only one of his first group of friends that got addicted. Of course his new set of friends was addicts only…

    I understand the self blame, but I can’t even go there.

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