Dear J

I think you might come on my computer every once in a while and read my blog.  I know you said you never would because it would be to painful, but I think you peek to see if I still care.

Here is something you are not going to believe but I need you to hear.  I am ready to give up. I am ready to accept that your consequences are your own and that I can not help you if you do not want to be helped.  I am devastated but resigned.  I can no longer lie to family and friends and say everything is fine.  I will tell close friends and family that you are very ill and that we should all pray for you because I think that is the only thing left.  This does not mean that I love you any less.  I love you with all my heart and would take on your pain and addiction to give you a new life but that is just not possible.  So I will just have to let go…

The second thing you are not going to believe is that your dad refuses to give up on you.  The dad that looks at you with such anger and can barely speak to you in a civil voice is just not ready to give up.  I hope you can recognize through all his anger how much he really loves you and desperately longs for your recovery.  He believes in you!  Believe in your self!

So both your dad and I sit and wait and do nothing…praying you make the right choice.

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About madyson007

I am a mom of 4 who thought she was home free with her oldest son when he went off to college. My serious blunder? Genetics and being naive or maybe just plain stupid.
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10 Responses to Dear J

  1. Syd says:

    Surrender and believing that each person has their own Higher Power is an awesome thing. I know that I can’t control another or be their Higher Power. They have to make their own way.

  2. Ron Grover says:

    Don’t wait and hope he reads your blog. Write him a letter and be open for him to come to you. Tell him what it is for you just like you did.

    See if dad will help you write it or maybe he writes his own. If he can barely speak in a civil voice maybe writing can release him to say what he needs to say without an angry tone.

    J then can take it for what it is rather than setting up his defensive force field.

    One thing about writing a letter, just like writing in your blog. When you talk to J, everything can only be said ONE TIME. In a letter whatever you say can be said as many times as he reads the letter, maybe more than you know.

    I know for myself hope and love can be said much easier on paper than face to face in these circumstances.

  3. Kathy M. says:

    What a moving post. I remember when I finally understood that. Hugs to you.

  4. Renee says:

    Oh I know how this feels. He knows you love him and I will keep praying for his health to be restored with you. (((HUGS)))

  5. HerBigSad says:

    I agree with “Dad”. Writing a letter to your son might be more helpful than you can imagine. There have been times, according to my daughter, when rereading a letter from me encouraged her to “do the next right thing.” Whatever that was at the time.

    Obviously I’m going to get more letter-writing practice in for the next 7.5 months while she is in prison. Hopefully, she will hear the love in them, and know that despite anything and everything, she is loved and cherished and free to find her own way.

    The position you have reached is painful, but healthier…. ironic, isn’t it? His consequences are his own. And yes, we’d step in front of a bullet if it meant instant freedom for our child from addiction. It hurts to realize we can’t do it for them. Hugs to you! I’ll keep praying!

  6. Renee C says:

    This is a sad thing but I have come to the same point with my daughter. I have let her go and I hope she comes back. I am not in the same situation as you as my daughter has been clean since 1/1 but fails to understand that she cannot and should not be with her old boyfriend whom she used with the entire relationship. I have had to let all of that go to for my own sake and that of my marriage. I am praying that your son reads this and decides to get help. ((hugs))
    I know this was very hard for you to do!

  7. Barbara says:

    I like Ron’s idea, but I am glad you shared this here too. It feels like we have all become a family here. If J reads this I want him to know: there are people all over this country that care about YOU. You are not alone, you can do this, and you need to decide soon what you want your life to be. I am watching two young men around your age going through the same thing. They are both learning in their own ways – jail, rehab, jail, prison…..Please choose LIFE and RECOVERY. Your parents love you more than its possible to understand (until you become a parent yourself).

  8. Helga says:

    Barbara is right. We all came together to care about each other and our kids. You guys are important to us, have been since birth. It’s you life, please don’t waste it. So much potential goes down the drain. One day you wish you had listened, but then it might be to late. Good luck to you and please, be smart.

  9. Sheila says:

    I love the letter that you wrote. I think you should print out a copy and leave it lying around where your son is sure to find it.

    And I think you are in a healthy place yourself to be able to write such things. Bravo to you!

  10. Cheri says:

    It was a letter that I wrote to my son and left in his Bible that got his attention when he got to the rehab. He said it changed his life.

    Praying for you all,
    Cheri

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