Forced expectations…

My husband and I realize that we are in a position to force J into inpatient rehab.  We could clearly say “J go to rehab and we will pay for a lawyer or do nothing but know that the police will be coming and you can not “use” and stay here.  I suspect right now he will consider leaving and looking for a place to hide, before he entertains the idea of rehab. When he realizes there really is no place for him to go he probably will concede.  I pray that he finds no place to go.  So I really need words of wisdom should we force him into rehab for one last-ditch effort or kick him out where he will surely go to jail. Not forcing him feels like totally giving up on him and turning him over completely to his disease.

After reading “Heather’s Mom” Blog I question my motives and my sanity of the above paragraph. Here is a small excerpt from her blog that hit a resounding nerve and I can not stop thinking about it.

In a book I am reading it says, “We cannot make choices for other people, even those most important to us. We are not gods, and we can’t truly know what is best for anyone else, no matter how obvious a particular course of action may seem to us at the time.”

What I need to know is I love her and love does not mean controlling her or making her conform to my ideas. I can love her exactly where she is and for who she is.

Now that my friends is profound information…implementing it may take every ounce of strength I have and I am not sure I really have it in me.

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About madyson007

I am a mom of 4 who thought she was home free with her oldest son when he went off to college. My serious blunder? Genetics and being naive or maybe just plain stupid.
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14 Responses to Forced expectations…

  1. Renee says:

    It is very true that we are not God or the police. I used to play God or the cop with my son so often. Dad (from Dad & Mom’s blog) has said before, “are you offering a hand up or a hand out”. That is where I check my motives, make sure I am not reacting out of fear, not offering assistance to my son so I feel safer or more comfortable. We have to step out of their way, allow them to learn their own mistakes on their own journey. We have ours to learn and our own path. I always offer assitance to my son if he truly seems willing and asks for assistance, is willing to stay within our boundaries, etc. You are in my thoughts and prayers. You are getting stronger, I see your growth.

  2. Sherry says:

    In an earlier post, you mentioned he may go to jail for 5 years for possession and DUI. I don’t know if he has prior arrests/ jail, but this seems like a very long time. Is there a program in your area called “Treatment in Lieu of Conviction”? If so, perhaps if he could spend a few months in “lockdown” rehab, that would help. A few months in jail first wouldn’t be a bad idea either.

    It has helped my son! You and J are in my prayers!

  3. you are in my prayers, i don’t know what i would do. i do know this, for me i went to jail, my folks didn’t have money for rehab, while in jail the dope sickness cleared and then, i wanted something different.

    you have other children that need your love too, that must be a terrible pain to watch. here is one good thing, no matter which way you go, weather letting him go to jail or forcing rehab, he will be clean. only then does he have a chance, but even then it is his choice.

  4. DAWN M MCCOY says:

    Forcing him into rehab is a waste of love, time, money and emotional strength. Ask any addict. Ask any parent who has done it. Total waste of time.

    It’s your life.

  5. Kathy M. says:

    Reading your post, made me think of a post I had just finished reading. She seemed to be answering the question you’re asking. Here’s the link: daughterheroinaddictsmoms.blogspot.com/

    I’ll keep you in my prayers. Hugs.

  6. Sydney says:

    Let him be an adult and handle his life the way he sees fit. It isn’t your business anymore. Besides, you have 3 other children who obviously need you. Quoting an interventionist: “your family can choose to get well and be happy and thrive, whether he decides to get well or not.” Let him make his decisions. I know it hurts, but you “helping” isn’t helping.

  7. Syd says:

    I accepted my surrender that I was powerless over other people. It has been the keystone of my recovery. I then was able to realize that other people have a Higher Power and I’m not it. My thoughts are to keep the focus on you and not on him.

  8. Sydney says:

    Sid said it best, as he always does.

  9. HerBigSad says:

    Combination of Syd and Fractal Mom would be where my thoughts lie. It’s my personal opinion that when an addict truly WANTS recovery with every fiber of their being, it is there to be found. They can find the equivalent of rehab in meetings, free county programs, and yes, even jail drug programs.

    One of the first things my daughter is checking out when she surfaces at prison, supposedly, is the drug program there. Prison sucks and I hate that she’s going there, and I wish jail would have done the trick, but if she really really wants recovery, she can start it there in prison. Maybe the increased level of misery there will enable her to seek recovery more wholeheartedly!!

    I will be praying for you and your son, and your family’s decisions, etc. God Bless!

  10. Helga says:

    I am with HerBigSad. Go on with your life, it’s the only thing you can control.

  11. Lisa says:

    I agree with what everyone is saying. We didn’t “force” Bryan to rehab. After he overdosed we said, “We’ve found an inpatient program, and if you want to go, we will make that happen.” He chose to go (and at that moment he wasn’t facing jail or prison…but he was living on the streets and it wasn’t going well for him.) For me personally, it was the one last time, and I felt I had to do this (maybe more for me than for him). So far, so good…he’s 6 months clean tomorrow.

    I am still scared all the time though; and I wonder when the bubble will burst, but I would be feeling that anyway; and I will know that whatever happens in the future, I did what I needed to do one last time.

  12. heathersmom1 says:

    Interesting how things can work out, I haven’t been on the blogs very much the past couple days, and now I read yours RIGHT AFTER reading Syd’s post from today. I think it applies. Here’s the link:
    http://fine-anon.blogspot.com/2010/04/friends-message.html
    This is tough, when it comes down to it, you have to do what you feel is right for you and your family. I’m also learning, if I can’t figure it out, sometimes it’s best to do nothing.
    Keeping you and your family in my prayers!
    God bless.

  13. jennifer says:

    My daughter is seventeen and I just found used needles and a meth pipe in her room. I don’t even know how to confront her.

    • madyson007 says:

      I am sorry. Be brave…this is just the beginning. Pace your self but don’t pretend this is not VERY very serious because it is even when she tells you it’s not.

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