What the….?????????????????

I went with J to a see a very good criminal lawyer.  What he had to say was very bleak and scary  stuff but if we hire him all might turn out fine blah blah blah.  Well I’ll bite.. So umm how much?  Well he started out with a price of $25,000.00 to take my sons case.  OMG!!! Well I guess I startled him when I broke into sobbing tears and he immediately said he could see that we could not pay that and he would reduce the fee to $10,000.00?????????????????????????  We don’t have that kind of money.  The lawyer also said that J needed to go into a longer term Rehab facility so the courts could see that he was doing everything he can to better himself.  J is debating whether he wants to go inpatient. WHAT THE HELL am I living in the twilight zone?  My son would rather go to jail for 5 years then go into rehab????  Which really won’t matter because we can’t aford a lawyer like the one he needs and nor do we want to help when he can’t even commit to rehab???  I am sorry this probably sounds like babbling but my mind is spinning and my heart is racing and I don’t know what I am suppose to do?

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About madyson007

I am a mom of 4 who thought she was home free with her oldest son when he went off to college. My serious blunder? Genetics and being naive or maybe just plain stupid.
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12 Responses to What the….?????????????????

  1. let him go to jail. i am not saying this to be harsh or mean, i know you are not wanting to let any harm come to your son. you are trying to protect him like the momma bear you are.

    let me ask you this, have you ever told him how this makes you feel? or what he would like done? or is he just on some manipulative pity pot saying something like ‘just let me rot in jail’? or is he being sincere because he knows the damage he has done and does not want to hurt you and maybe he knows that he will relapse in treatment where jail may be more structured? i don’t know which way he is going but addicts lie, we cheat we will say anything you want to hear, until we give up. I know a lot of addicts whose journey took them to jail before they understood that they needed to quit.

    here is the thing, i think, if i read your posts right, you have other children that need you and your resources and you need to be with them and let j find his way.

    you need a time out to think about this rationally and to get your blood pressure down to normal. i am so sorry you are going through this, i know this is what i did to my mother. it hurts to see you struggle when i know you have nothing but love for your baby.

    and on a final note if you really want an honest answer ask suze orman, she has a ‘can i afford it’ section on saturday nights, she is my financial guru. take care of you and get some rest. i will pray for your serenity, you so deserve some of that. and any lawyer that can reduce his initial fee by 60 percent is full of sh##!!

  2. Barbara says:

    I hear exactly what you are saying cause I said it before (but for Keven it was three years prison and a Public Defender).

    This is what makes me SO MAD. I can’t speak for J, obviously, but in Keven’s logic jail was easier than rehab for one main reason: He felt that he would have a better chance of getting and staying clean than getting through rehab because rehab was harder than jail. Which it is in some ways. Jail you have no choices, you just sit there and do what your told when your told, etc. Keven had so much less stress in jail. Ugh. Luckily he changed his mind and I hope J does too. Keep sharing your frustrations….it helps I think.

  3. Syd says:

    I think that I know what I would do. I wouldn’t pay a cent and let him take the consequences. He can’t decide whether he wants inpatient, then so be in–do the time in jail. Enough is what my mind would scream.”Here, God, take him–he is all yours now. I have had enough.”

  4. Renee says:

    One of the hardest things to remember during times like these is that the addicts brain is sick from the drugs, so it is not thinking straight at all. So we can question their thinking and be in disbelief all we want, but it goes with the disease. He is not totally capable of making a ratinal decision, but it has to be his decision nonetheless. All the expensive lawyers, rehabs, home rehab, boot camps, parental advice and wisdom, NONE of it has made a damn bit of difference in my son’s addiction process. I have found that if I don’t start truly looking at fixing myself and my behaviors, nothing is going to change for my peace nor my son’s. I am trying now to make a concious choice to provide myself with good self care, check myself regularily throughout the day to see where my feelings are, whay my needs are, am I hungry, tired, need alone time, friend time, family time, bath time, etc. I know this seems just plain silly to you for me to write this all out, I know because it used to seem silly to me. I just wanted someone to tell me how to fix it all, make it stop and bring my son back to his health. Only our sons can do that, nobody else. In the meantime, life goes forward and taking care of ourselves is all we have control over, that and our boundaries. (((HUGS)))

  5. Sherry says:

    My son recently spent 3 months in jail and 3 months in a “lockdown rehab”…which was similar to jail, after I called the police. He thanked me the other day, saying that he doesn’t think anything else would have stopped the cycle. That he knows what the consequence will be if he uses…2 yrs. in jail.

    Sounds like your son needs about 6 months somewhere…combo jail/rehab also. I don’t know if that’s possible in his situation. I would talk to another attorney! My prayers are with you and J!

  6. Helga Culbert says:

    My daughter has been to rehab, halfway house and to jail. Result: Nothing made any difference to her. In jail she learned more about drugs and how to use the social system for resources. In rehab she learned the behing the scenes of the place and how to manipulate the counselors. In the halfway house she complained that she had to share a bathroom with five other women and that they don’t necessarily send the urine out she had to give after a weekend with me, because they could not afford the testing. I learned not to spend a dime anymore on her. You might as well pour the money down the toilet or burn it in your fireplace. It does not matter. If they learn that you bail them out every time they get into trouble, well, that’s what they do, get in trouble. Sorry to sound so bleak, but a PD or court appointed attorney can do just about anything your full of s##t lawyer can do. I know, I was married to one and I work for one. I am reading Melody Beattie’s The New Codependence, and after reading your post, I think this book would give you some answers you are seeking. Remember, all of this is my opinion and what I have learned during the last 6 years. Take care of yourself! Sending you hugs and prayers.

  7. Well, I think if you don’t have the $10,000 then the decision has been made for you. I would not take out a loan etc to come up with the $ if J isn’t even sure what he wants to do.
    You asked what you are supposed to do… this is tough b/c I know I for sure don’t have “the answer”. Take care of yourself, know that this is not something you can control, so do the best to take care of your mental health, something you can control.
    Pray (and I am praying for you and J too).
    I like what Syd said above.
    God bless. Praying that God watches over J and guides him.

  8. Cheri says:

    Praying, dear Madyson.

    Truly, it is J’s decision and not yours. He has to want to get better, and if he doesn’t, you’re wasting your time and money. You have other children who need you.

    That said, it is just my humble opinion. I have not walked in your shoes. I had one addicted son who just made messes in his life until, by God’s grace, he grew up enough to care about something other than drugs. I had another who chose rehab. So I know I don’t have the answers you seek, but I know Who does, and I am lifting J and your family to Him in prayer.

    (((Hugs)))
    Cheri

  9. Renee C says:

    My heart goes out to you. You are definitely in a hard place between the two. Good Luck and keep us posted. Saying prayers for you and your family.

  10. HerBigSad says:

    I know from experience how hard this is. We decided from the beginning that our taxes pay for public defenders and that was the only attorney we were EVER going to “pay” for, for issues not our own. And my daughter’s legal issues are NOT OUR OWN.

    Her medical bills are not my own. Her fines for probation, her unpaid charge cards, her overdrawn bank accounts, her unpaid loans, her court fees for arrests in three different cities, her 2008 and 2009 tax returns, are NOT MY OWN. I do not handle anything for her financially or legally. The MOST I do, is advise those who call our home looking for her for money, that they might want to get a clue – she is without assets and a homeless addict who may or may not be incarcerated at this time. The calls have pretty much stopped. In a few years, the bills will fall off her record. Not my problem.

    You have to make your own decision as to what is right for you and your family. Nothing has made any difference for my daughter, rehabs, outpatient treatment, sober homes, jail, and now, very soon, prison. Perhaps prison will do it. That’s up to her.

    I strongly suggest you let the public defenders do their job and let his consequences be his consequences. It’s SO hard to realize that the situations they are in are beyond our control. The long arm of Mom can no longer come between them and their consequences. That’s as hard for us to watch, as it is for them to go through. My prayers for you and your son continue. Sorry to ramble so long!

  11. Sydney says:

    I’m so sorry for you. I can literally hear your heart breaking. But I agree with Syd and Her Big Sad… his consequences should be his own. it’s HIS life. I think sometimes we natural caretakers get too wrapped up in “taking care” … sometimes lessons are learned the hard way. Sometimes it’s not our business.

    I will be thinking of you ok?

  12. beachteacher says:

    God bless you….you and J will stay in my prayers…

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