Uncomfortably Numb…

I am so tired and overwhelmed by everything. I think I am depressed.  Every morning I get up and think to myself…maybe I should call in sick today?  Of course I don’t because I really love my job, but if I could crawl into my bed for a couple of weeks I totally would.  The only reason I don’t…My other three children, who did not ask for a brother who causes turmoil in all our lives.

My littlest one had his first soccer practice of the season yesterday.  He was so excited!  He has pretty much decided soccer is his life and lucky for him he is actually pretty good at it. His first game is on Saturday!  He is a total tow head with bright blue eyes and cute as a button.

My Darling Diva Mady is so sensitive to my emotions.  I try to keep everything light and normal as possible but she always notices everything.  I need to help her find an activity that she loves but she hasn’t discovered it yet.  She is high maintenance and loves to give me a run for my money. Fashion is her thing…she has such a great sense of style at the age of 10, she is already 5 feet tall she could be a great model one day.

My 17-year-old is the whole dang package. Bright, beautiful, popular and kind.  She was a competitive gymnast but switched over to cheerleading a couple of years ago, she is now on a search for the right college.  She is so angry at how J impacts us all and sees it all in black and white. Her view:Throw him out he has screwed up to many times. I really wish it was that easy.

Nothing is easy anymore…


About madyson007

I am a mom of 4 who thought she was home free when my oldest son went off to college. My serious blunder? Genetics and being naive or maybe just plain stupid.
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13 Responses to Uncomfortably Numb…

  1. you know that is the right thing to do, focus on your other kids, let them know they are still the important light of your lives. they may feel jealous of all the focus and attention you are giving j. my sibs were very, very jealous of me. mom should have thrown me out a looong time ago. i am still learning to make amends to those guys. your little diva may do well in an art class, here we have a local ‘city arts’ and they host classes that run for several weeks and they are really low cost, maybe you could look one up to do so the two of you had a hobby together. take your oldest college shopping on the internet, so much fun and take you tripod and digital to every single soccer game. that will keep you busy.
    life happens, and you will miss it if you stay stuck on j. my doctor calls it ‘bubblegum foot’ it is like you are walking along enjoying your day and bam you step on a piece of gum and get stuck there, and it holds you there for a while, only the metaphor ‘j’ is your gum.
    a part of you will always be with him, but you also have to be with them, those in the living, clean world. hope you get to feeling better soon, i know you have a long road ahead.

  2. Raising 4 kids by itself is a lot to handle, add in a job. If you can find time, do something for yourself to try to regain your own focus. Al-Anon meetings are helpful. You have to take care of yourself, then you may just find some other things do come easier.
    But I know what you mean, and all I have at home are 2 dogs! It’s nice to hear about your other children 🙂 Oh how I remember soccer practice and cheerleading – ahh the good ‘ole days 🙂
    God bless. Do what you can to keep yourself centered.

  3. Cheri says:

    Reading your post brings back so many memories of those days in our life. Four kids, two who wreaked havoc and caused so much pain. But what I want to focus on is the fact that those days are a memory now, and our sons are doing okay. When you are feeling like you do – and believe me, I understand – try to hang on to hope. Try to treat yourself to something that makes you feel better. Enjoy the three kids who aren’t making you crazy.

    Keeping you in our thoughts and prayers,
    Cheri and Wayne

  4. Lisa says:

    The addict takes over our lives, just like a child with cancer might. The difference is we are really angry about the drugs and the choices. And it is totally unfair to the other children who see that the “problem sibling” gets all the attention. But I think it is mostly unfair to you, because you are trying so hard to do the right things for all of them. And quite often it feels like there is no end in sight. Hang in there, take care of yourself. What I use to do is tell myself, “if the situation was reversed, and my very best friend in the world had my son, and was lost in the process, what would I tell her?” I find this helpful because deep down you know what you need/want to do. And saying to someone else, gives it clarity. And it might help you to accept and engage with the right thing, whatever that is. Hang in there and I will keep you and your family in my prayers.

  5. Sherry says:

    When I read about your other sweet children, I so wish I had been able to have a second child. I love kids and you’re so blessed to have this time with them.

    Hope you can change your thoughts soon, so you can live in each moment with them and have no regrets later.

  6. I so remember those days of my J taking up all my time, emotions and thoughts. I felt bad for my other 2 younger boys all the time. And I was often depressed as well. And I am feeling pretty depressed again now that J got kicked out of rehab and is God knows where doing God knows what.

    Both of us, me and you, need to pick ourselves up by our bootstraps, and start living again. I’ll help you if you’ll help me!

    Heres a (((((HUG)))) to get you started. Now go take a warm bubble bath, followed by big hugs on all your other kids.

  7. Syd says:

    I find that when I focus on the good things in my life, I can leave a lot of the bad stuff behind. Sounds like you have 3 wonderful kids and a good job. Enjoy those things. A daily gratitude list helps.

  8. DAWN M MCCOY says:

    Gosh honey. I almost don’t want to comment.

    but, i will anyway.

    for your sanity, for the sake of your other children, not yet grown…

    you have to

    pretty much abandon him to his own life, his own solutions, his own choices and his own devices.

    you have to quit answering phone calls. you have to not let him live with you or visit unless he is sober.

    you have to be strong and show a strong anti-drug ethic to your other children.

    you have to say, we all love your brother, but we cannot help him anymore. we have to just live OUR lives and hope that God gives him what he needs to get clean.

    then, every night, pray with the other kids for your son.

    take BACK your life. now. before it hurts your family so much that you cannot recover.

    i’m so sorry.

    • madyson007 says:

      Never feel you can’t comment. I am a big girl and need to hear it all. I am coming around to the same conclusion. I am just not exactly sure how to implement it or when.

  9. Barbara says:

    I know that feeling of wanting to crawl into bed and stay there.

    Having only one child, I can’t relate to how it must be for siblings to go through this. And having no husband either – my life has been totally focused on that one kid of mine for 19 years. So I can’t speak from experience on this but it seems like you got some really great advice from others. I think its time to put the focus on them, they need you.

  10. Kathy M. says:


    I found my way here from another blog. I have been in Al-Anon for two years. I came because of my daughter, so I can relate to much of what you write.

    I’m glad you are thinking about your other kids. I’m just now realizing to what extent addiction is a family disease, and how everyone in the family plays a “role” in the drama.

    Giving your non-addict children the encouragement and attention they need can only help. But I hope you remember to take care of yourself, too. The old adage about the oxygen mask on a plane: The flight attendants always say to put yours on first, or you can’t help anyone else.

    This is a tough gig. I’ll keep you in my prayers.

  11. Renee C. says:

    I know how you feel about wanting to climb in bed and not come out. That is how I feel every day when I get up (oh wait, I get up after not sleeping all night). You have 3 other children who need you which is a wonderful way to focus your energy. My other two are grown. I wish I had someone else to put my energy in because I keep focusing on her. I probably still would thought if I had others. My prayers are with you. ((hugs))

  12. Helga Culbert says:

    There are no easy solutions. I agree with the above comments. Take care of what you can take care of: Yourself and your other children. Focus on the joy they bring you. Focus on yourself so that you can be there for the other children. I don’t have kids at home but I have 5 grandchildren. I focus on my son’s three, because I have never seen my daughter’s kids. Sending you hugs.

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