…and things can get worse.

He is clean but his behavior is erratic.  He is depressed, almost destructively so…he does not know how to help him self.  I am not buying this tough love thing today.  If I turn him out, he will kill himself whether that means turning back to opiates or just sticking his head in an oven.  Things are not good and I don’t know what to do.  Today his out patient program called me to let me know that our insurance has denied coverage for anymore treatment.  What the hell?  My son is sober but in danger and he is not covered anymore?  If God only gives us what we can handle then he has severely over estimated my abilities right now.

On another note of despair…we were served papers, by our neighbors.  They are suing us for an incident that involved their daughter breaking her wrist on our property.  She says my son who was 4 years old at the time pushed her, he is 6 years old now and doesn’t remember any of it.  They are suing us for assault and battery and  7 counts of negligence. Their house is in foreclosure, the husband was fired from the police department for stealing un-marked money from the evidence room.  They are quite desperate.  I understand desperate…and it’s a scary place .

I am in a really bad way right now…I am frightened.

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About madyson007

I am a mom of 4 who thought she was home free with her oldest son when he went off to college. My serious blunder? Genetics and being naive or maybe just plain stupid.
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17 Responses to …and things can get worse.

  1. Ron Grover says:

    I have learned in all of this that we can do a lot of things but ultimately we have to do what we can to keep them alive. There is time for tough love and there is time for love.

    Sounds like your son needs you now, but he also needs someone that has been where he is right now. Look for a NA meeting. Lots of late night meetings on Fri and Sat night in our area. Drive him, talk with him wait outside. let him work with the NA group. Go for coffee. Do what you must, I have seen my son at this place and it is a bad place. We did these things. I don’t know if it helped or hurt but he is alive now.

    Where there is life there is hope. If you need to chat send me an email. I will send you my phone number. I don’t have any answers but I can listen. And if your son want to talk, who knows.

  2. Sue G says:

    When you’re on your knees there’s only one thing to do and that is to look UP. As scared and heartbroken and devastated as you are, God is right next to you waiting and willing to help you. I know that times like this are the hardest time to believe anything let alone God, but please, believe that He loves you and your son and wants the best for both of you.

    I heard a line in a song today written by a young man who has a brain tumor. He is a songwriter/singer/Christian. And I only heard this one line: “Grace will find a way to keep you going.”

    I call out to God at this very moment and ask Him to give you enough grace to keep you going, enough grace to keep your son going, enough grace to keep your family going. I know He can. I know He will. Let it in and receive it.

    As for your neighbors, I would think the statute of limitations has run out on that complaint.

    I hope you have a strong support group and that they surround you right now and help you through.

  3. Your son is sober, so I’m assuming even those who advocate a “tough love” approach wouldn’t suggest you turn him out now.

    It sure sounds like he needs all the support and safety he can get right now…and you too.

    One of things that has surprised me the most since I started blogging is how big a problem it is in other states to pay for treatment.

    Here in Vermont, I’ve worked with hundreds and hundreds of people and have almost never had a problem with getting treatment covered by insurance (generous state coverage available to those who can’t afford private insurance). Our challenges are more about the lack of treatment slots (long waiting lists etc.).

    I have no interest in getting into the national health care debate here, but my eyes have really been opened to what a difference it makes in the lives of people with opiate dependence to have health coverage.

    It costs something like $50,000/year to incarcerate someone, so treatment is a bargain for the taxpayer.

    Hopefully your home owners insurance company will defend the legal claim. It sure sounds like a weak case. It doesn’t sound like your neighbors have much money to hire an attorney…are they representing themselves? Hard to believe an attorney would take this case. Was this a demand letter or have they actually filed suit? I bet if you refuse to settle they will go away pretty quickly. Not enough potential damages with a broken wrist to make it worth taking to trial if paying an attorney…especially if the case is as weak as it sounds.

    I sure hope they didn’t just fire the officer…I hope he was charged with a crime…he sounds like a scumbag for sure.

    Stay strong!

  4. I am with Sue G – I will pray for grace and strength for you!

    I agree that “turning him out” would not be a good decision at this point. As parents we have to weigh what we learn with who we are, who our child is, and the particulars of our situation. I feel your confusion, I’ve been thinking a lot today about all the parents whose blogs I read and my own situation and thinking, “How are we supposed to figure this all out???” I’ve also been saying the Serenity Prayer today like a mantra.

    Your neighbors OH MY! That is too unbelievable. Yes, to what Tom said, your HO insurance should cover your defense above/outside your policy limits. That is standard at least. But my gosh… I do not understand how your neighbors could do that.

    I am praying for you & your family!!!

  5. I can’t believe your neighbor’s are doing that!!! I am so sorry to hear it, how horrible, you don’t need that on top of your other concerns right now 😦 I hope it gets thrown out of court and you don’t have to pay a cent. Kids push each other all the time. Its called life!
    I am sorry you have to deal with that.

    As for your son, I just want to hug you right now. I read this and feel your pain, worry, fear, frustration.
    I can’t offer answers but I know that for me personally, tough love and/or throwing my son out while he is clean and struggling emotionally is not an option. He needs you right now and there is nothing wrong with offering support and love to him (imo). It sounds like he’s in a fragile place, I am hoping and praying that something will help (NA like Ron suggested?). Let me know if you need to talk I can meet you in chat or whatever works best for you. Keep us updated, okay???

  6. what area are you in? go to na.org and look up area links and call your local na hotline and he can speak to an addict and get help. this is the normal process for detoxing, i went through the same thing it took months for my brain to settle down, NA is free and meetings are very very helpful.

  7. Lots of good advice here. And if you need rehab that doesn’t cost an arm and a leg, Teen Challenge is a great option. They are a faith-based drug rehab that runs on donations, and they do not have to be a teen. They usually charge an induction fee for STD testing, etc., but after that, if they have any costs at all, they would be minimal. They have them all over the U.S. Each state runs their own program, but they are all basically the same. Email me at cheri@cherihardaway.com if you want to discuss it further.

    I am so sorry about the neighbors. That stinks.

    You are in our prayers,

    Cheri and Wayne

  8. Renee says:

    It is so difficult to watch our addicted kids suffer and not be able to really do anything. I agree with the comments above about NA meetings and am wondering if the court ordered any type of meetings and/or treatment for your son? Clean & Crazy makes a very good point in that it takes some time for the brain to start firing properly after detoxing and staying clean. I agree that you must do what is right for you and your family and that “tough love” is not always the only answer, depends on the situation and the people. As for the neighbors, I am a legal secretary and have worked for personal injury attorneys and the courts for years. They don’t have a case, simple as that. It is heartbreaking that they would put you though this to try and pull themselves out of a hole. Your homeowner’s insurance will provide you counsel and if they have an attorney, well, let’s just say that attorney would not be very bright to take their case. I am praying for you and your son tonight. Take care of yourself!

  9. Lisa Carp says:

    I don’t have much of value to add here and I agree with all the comments. The fact is that when our children are working their recovery, as opposed to active in their addiction, they deserve our love and support. I’ve always told my son that as long as he is clean (even if he is struggling) I will continue to support him every way that I can. And my therapist who specializes in addiction counseling supports that concept.

    Don’t worry about the neighbor thing too much. Call your HO insurance rep, and turn the paperwork over to them. That is exactly what HO’s is for. You are gracious to recognize that your neighbors are desperate and that is truly what is driving this for them. I feel like I need to pray for them as well.

    I am sending hugs and prayers your direction. Find a meeting for your son, take care of yourself and know you have a strong “community” supporting you.

  10. Sherry says:

    I can’t add more than what the others have said – just want you to know that I made a written prayer list yesterday (so I don’t have to go from memory) and you and your son are prayed for daily! Peace and love to you and your family!

  11. Renee says:

    I am so sorry and I understand. My daughter is 21 today and has no one to celebrate with. Her friends did call her but they wont come and see her because they know. She broke up with her boyfriend the other day and I am worried it will push her over the edge.
    I am feeling the same way. My daughter is doing well (?) because she is home with us and in therapy. My husband says she needs to get a part time job or he will kick her out. I can’t do that. We spent a lot of time together yesterday and she said she is just not ready to get out into the real world of work yet and it will make her relapse.
    Am I enabling? She has only been clean 63 days and out of inpatient for 30 days and still has 60 days more in IOP. Do I just be patient and support her monetarily for now.
    We know that she took much more money from us when they were using than it is costing us now to help her in her time of need.

  12. Sheila says:

    madyson, I’m sorry things are so awful for you right now. I also think the neighbor case will go away pretty easily, don’t sweat it.

    As for your son, if he’s really suicidal, he needs to go to the ER.

    I think it’s great that he’s clean. Try to get him to NA – I like the idea of driving and waiting for him, or even go in with him if he prefers that. The first several times that my daughter attended NA, I either sat in the car or went into the meeting with her, until she was comfortable enough to go on her own.

    And get yourself to Nar-Anon or Alanon. There are people there who have been exactly where you are, and talking to them in person will do you a world of good.

    Hugs,
    Sheila

  13. Helga says:

    Just wanted to add that if your son starts to go NA meetings, after a while he can get a sponsor out of the group of people where he attends his meetings. The sponsor will work with him on the 12 step program. That way he won’t feel alone. I remember that it has helped my daughter at times of despair in the past. Try to stay positive, definitely don’t allow other people to take advantage of you. God luck and you are in my prayers.

  14. HerBigSad says:

    Hope the neighbor issue is fading into the woodwork… what a silly claim they are trying to pull.

    I’ve seen my daughter in that same mental frame of mine, newly clean, and absolutely miserable in her own skin. It’s a really dangerous time – but when she was willing, she seemed to find comfort in extra meetings and lots of time with her NA friends. I will be praying. And yes, please try to get yourself to Alanon (easier to find sometimes than Naranon) or Naranon. It really does help! You are not alone! ((Hug))

  15. I feel awful for you right now. What a lousy thing for the neighbors to do!! I hope it all goes away quickly. Sounds to me like they don’t have a claim, and any lawyer in the world will see what a scum the guy really is and use that against him in court.

    As for your son, mine recently started on Paxil because he is depressed too (he’s in inpatient treatment and they put him on it). Is that an option? He was never diagnosed as depressed before (had him evaluated numerous times), but now that he’s clean he is having a hard time with emotions. I think after years of being high EVERY DAY and having no emotions, its now difficult to comprehend what is going on within themselves. You may want to think about or have him evaluated for depression meds.

    Praying for you all as always!!

  16. I had to come back and comment again on this post. After speaking with J today and asking him how he’s doing on the Paxil, he told me he was feeling much better. He also informed me that he’s been diagnosed with something known as PAWS – Post Acute Withdrawal Syndrome. Of course I had to look it up and here’s the link that I found with the most information: http://digital-dharma.net/addiction/post-acute-withdrawal-syndrome-why-we-dont-get-better-immediately/

    Sounds to me like your son may be experiencing this same type of reaction to withdrawing. Read all the way through the article for some great tools to help with this.

    Knowledge Is Power!!!

    Onward and upward toward success!

  17. Syd says:

    I’m sorry to hear of these hardships and stress. I hope that there can be some amiable mediation with the neighbors. It sounds like a frivolous suit. Hang in there.

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