I liked it better when I was naive and stupid…

I have lived in Northern New Jersey all my life and I really do not remember having snow like this ever.  The benefit of all this snow is my son is stuck at home.  I don’t have to worry about where he is or what he is doing and I like that.  He is clean right now and I am enjoying him so much.  He has played rock band with his brother and sisters and helped his father shovel all the snow and has just been a part of the family for little bits of time.  It’s been nice and normal.

The only glitch was when he had an anxiety attack on Wednesday.  He called me at work and I could tell something was wrong right away.  He was hyperventilating because I think reality was setting in.  His friends are running scared.  They don’t want to be around him when he uses and he was/is worried this time he may have blown it for good. The only good thing J has ever had going for him is that he has a great small “fairly” clean group of friends, which made stopping easier at times, because he had some where to go back too. I think his friends are now running out of patience and find the whole drama thing old. He begged me to come home from work but I just couldn’t so he had to suck up and pull himself together. Guess what?  He did!

He has lost car privileges for now, but can use the car to get to his meetings because they are during the day and we can’t get him there. This is always a source of worry because with a car comes freedom and freedom can sometimes lead him to trigger. I can not keep him locked up on house arrest for the rest of his life so obviously he needs to learn to deal with freedom.

I hope and pray this settles into a new kind of normal for us but I am not holding my breath and I find that very sad.  Six months ago, being naive and stupid, I would have said to myself, “The worst is behind us. Now he can finally get past this and we can all get on with our lives”.  I don’t believe that anymore.  This is a lifetime deal that I never signed up for, but I have to learn to deal with it for my health and sanity.

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About madyson007

I am a mom of 4 who thought she was home free with her oldest son when he went off to college. My serious blunder? Genetics and being naive or maybe just plain stupid.
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15 Responses to I liked it better when I was naive and stupid…

  1. Sherry says:

    Rather than stupidity, I think it was not having knowledge concerning addiction and some denial (normal self- preservation) in my situation. The “good” that I have experienced from facing this is “growth”.

  2. Sheila says:

    I also thought that giving my daughter access to a car so she could go to NA meetings and community college was a good thing. Guess what? She stopped going to both, but kept pretending she was and taking gas money from me to drive herself and her addict boyfriend (now fiance) around. Once I got wise, she lost car privileges, probably forever. I don’t want her driving a car in my name. I refuse to be liable if she causes an accident while driving high, or just being scatterbrained like she so often is these days.

    I am glad that your son can do “normal” in the family. We were snowed in together a few weeks back, and it was very tense and unpleasant for all of us.

    My daughter has no friends left, except for addict fiance. He appears to have some friends, I’m not sure why! They are planning to get an apartment and move in together, as soon as they can save some money.

    My daughter is brilliant, probably has an IQ around 160. Her fiance is probably just as smart. Now they are high school graduates with a drug habit, looking to spend the rest of their lives in a dumpy apartment working entry level jobs, if they can even manage to get and keep a job (most jobs require a drug test).

    I am mourning her lost potential.

    • madyson007 says:

      I know what you mean about mourning lost potential. I have just recently been telling my husband he needs to get over the fact that are son may never go to college. That we both need to re-evaluate what have now become ridiculous expectations for our son but that doesn’t mean I don’t mourn that dream every single day. Maybe one day it will feel more distant but right now it is still very painful.

  3. Last year we had our regional service meetings in February and they fell on Valentines day. My girlfriend just had a baby who had been in the hospital and was recently released. Her baby girl, Bella was about a month old when she brought her to the regional dance.

    Mind you everyone here is an addict working a program of Narcotics Anonymous. Our regional service meeting is part of the program and we do work on behalf of NA as a whole to better carry the message to the addict who still suffers. It is at these meetings, where we are giving of ourselves, that you will find true recovery and members who do more then attend meetings, members who live life on life’s terms.

    Anyway a week after the dance I was doing some service work on the computer and got a phone call that my friends baby just died.

    Everyone hovered over her like a hawk. They were so afraid this would make her relapse. I did not go or call but waited until the sleepover we women have every year. We talked all night long, she said something to me that gave me some peace of mind. See I have a teenage daughter and a 3 and 4 year old little girl, I also have 5 years clean and one of my biggest fears was not deserving this life I have now and that I may lose one of my babies because of that. Karma and such you know it is just unwarranted fear.
    When i was talking to her she said to me “Suzie, this is what I signed up for, when i got pregnant that was the chance I was willing to take in order to be a mom. Life is unpredictable and when we say in the program we only have today, that doesn’t just apply to grown addicts, that applies to everyone, even children.” She also told me she had 4 other girls who needed her and using would not bring her baby back.

    So my fear of losing a child or having one grow up to do what I did, there is nothing I can do about that I cannot change the past or try to control the future. This IS what I signed up for as a parent, I pray to my higher power that my children do not follow in my footsteps and use drugs.

    But if they do, I know what to do for me, go to meetings, share about it, and follow in the footsteps of my predecessors like you and Ron and Debbie, you guys give me hope and strength and a new perspective. my mother never told me of her fears and worries. I apologize to you for your using addict and the worry he has put you through.

    I appreciate you knowing no matter what you love your baby and I think you are on the right path for your own recovery, addiction affects us all.

    Melodie Beattie has a book called “Co-Dependent No More” and she has a daily meditation that I love reading called “The Language of Letting Go”. These daily readings along with my NA literature really help. Does your son have a basic text? he should and the next time he has a panic attack tell him to read his book. The literature of NA was written by addicts just like your son and i and it was written for us. Anyway for him he needs to keep focusing on the solution, go to meetings, get a sponsor, work the steps and get involved in his recovery. He will make new friends, in recovery.

    • madyson007 says:

      You are a very wise woman. Thank you for your comment. I am going to ponder that for awhile but maybe you are right. I signed up for motherhood with no guarantee’s, maybe it’s my turn to suck up. May I add you to my blog roll?

  4. Lisa Carp says:

    I hope that you can focus on your own health and recovery, regardless of what J does. That is truly the sign of a healthy parent, especially when there is an addict lurking in the body of their son or daughter.

    Denial (not knowing) can be a warm comfortable blanket that we wrap around ourselves, but eventually the heat level rises and it won’t be comfortable any more. You are learning, and doing what is best for you, your family and J. Hang in there.

    And one additional thought of doing “normal” with your addict. We use to pretend things were normal with our son while he was still using (especially when there was a good day or two thrown in for good measure); and then I realized all the changes in attitude and behavior were coming from us, not from him. It was an eye-opening revelation for me and started me down a different path in loving him. By the way, I’m still trudging down this path, and often step right off into the muck at the side. It is a long journey, but worth it, I think. 🙂

    • madyson007 says:

      Yes I have done the pretending thing…quite desperately at times but thankfully right now at this very moment I don’t have to pretend…so I am going to enjoy it. Thanks for helping me keep it real.

  5. Renee says:

    It took me much longer than six months to pull my head out from underneath the denial blanket. I am happy you are recognizing early in the process that this problem does not just disappear and it often times is a lifelong journey for both the addict and the family. I agree with Sherry in that I appreciate the growth that I have gained, even if it has been through such a difficult and often dangerous situation. My thoughts are with you and your family.

  6. I think I wrote a blog post last year with almost this exact title! Its so true, its way easier to just not know, but sooner or later we find out. Sometimes I would get depressed hearing other stories about the years and years of addiction that seemed never ending. I had to remind myself that even if statistics showed that, my son is not a statistic. Your son reminds me a lot of my own with the panic attacks – its horrible to sit by helplessly as they feel like they are going to suffocate/hyperventilate.
    As far as the car, my son doesn’t have a license right now but it he did I’d be letting him use my car. If he chooses to use, he will find a way with or without my car, a simple phone call is all it would take.

    You are so right – none of us signed up for this, that’s for darn sure.

  7. Madison Ryan says:

    I think freezing cold weather is good for addicts. They MUST stay home. I agree with all your feelings and decisions. I remember the fear of imagining triggers popping up everywhere and the fear of seeing my daughter drive anywhere. Before your son changes, you can change and pray he follows you. This thing that smothers his life can smother yours too if you let it. Take care.

  8. I think of it like an ostrich pulling its head from the sand. That’s how I felt when I finally woke up and admitted that my son had a drug problem.

    Praying for you all,
    Cheri

  9. As I’ve learned through Al-Anon to let go of doing everything for Heather, she’s doing it herself! Duh. My “god-complex” obviously thought I had to do everything for her. Not realizing I was hurting her as well as myself. I think it’s great that – doing a very hard thing – not going home from work to help him with his attack – allowed you to stay at work, and him the opportunity to work through his attack himself.
    He handled it himself, hopefully giving him confidence that he is more equipped to handle it the next time it happens. I too suffer from anxiety attacks, and I too had to learn how to cope with them myself.
    Glad you’re realizing as soon as you are to take care of your own health & sanity.
    God bless.

  10. AmyW. says:

    I have read some of your blog and can so relate. My son is 18 and in a 28 day treatment program due to come home in three days. I am so scared for him and what he will face coming home. He has an opiate addiction as well. I am also scared for myself and my nine year old daughter. I have learned alot in the past month about myself and choices. My son has to make his own choices about his drug abuse. I have to make my own choices about my life and how I want to live. I love my son. I also love the peace my daughter and I have had during this last month with him in rehab. It is so hard not to be able to fix this for him. I CANNOT fix this for him and I have to accept and deal with that reality. I am trying and will continue to try to support but not enable him. Enabling has been a hard thing for me to come to terms with. I have 100% been an enabler. My son also got a 90/96 for a posession charge. He was put on probation with the hopes of the charge going away. He has failed drug test which brought him back to court with the option of jail or rehab. He went to rehab. I hope and pray he learned something while he was there. I also want him to come home and sign up for college and get a job. He has to do it-I can’t do it for him-which has been a hard concept for me to grasp. It is helping me to be stronger for myself, my daughter and for my addicted to son to know I am not alone in this battle. I hope it helps you too.

    • madyson007 says:

      Keep us posted on your son. If you decide to start a blog of some sort, I would love to follow your story. I so agree about it helping to realize we are not alone in this battle. I am getting stronger everyday and can see that you are too. I will pray for you.

  11. Renee says:

    I am in the same shoes, AmyW. My daughter came to us on 1/1 telling us she was hooked on heroin and asked for help. She went to a 28 day treatment center and has been home for 31. Tomorrow is her 60 days clean. There is hope. She is very involved in N/A and doing IOP for the next 60 days at least. I felt better while she was away also and now that she is home I am on pins and needles awaiting the next shoe to drop. I know in my heart that she is doing the right things, associating with only people who are serious about being clean but when she looks a little depressed or out of sorts, I worry. Actually I worry all day every day but it is getting better. This is for the rest of our lives and we have to try to live with the knowledge that we can’t change what our children are going to do. My daughter wants to go back to school so all things are positive right now but that could change tomorrow and we must realize that we have to go on with our lives as best we can. Stay on the blogs, they will help you very much as they have helped me. We are not alone here.

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