No happily ever after…

I don’t think there is any happily ever after for an addict or his family.  I think there is a very long road with many peaks and valleys with no real times of complete peace.  I am quite sure that when and if my son goes into a full-fledged recovery, I would still have this nagging little sense of unease.  It is so unsettling to feel stress a good part of every day.  In the past two years I have lost close to 40 pounds.  People ask me all the time how I did it.  I really didn’t know how to respond, now I just tell them it was the “stress diet”…most say nothing after that.  I am thrilled to be average weight again, but I would gain back every single pound and give up everything I own for everything to go back to the way it was before this evil drug consumed everything in its path.

Court is tomorrow.  My son’s life is taking another path deeper into this hell called addiction.  Now, he is on the radar of every policeman that works in our small town.  If he doesn’t turn his life around now, it will only be a matter of time before he ends up in jail for a long time.  He still thinks his twinkling blue eyes and sun shiny smile is going to get him out of trouble. I don’t know what to say to him …it really doesn’t seem to matter anyway.  So I will say nothing and I will not go tomorrow.  I am not sure he will notice.

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About madyson007

I am a mom of 4 who thought she was home free with her oldest son when he went off to college. My serious blunder? Genetics and being naive or maybe just plain stupid.
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11 Responses to No happily ever after…

  1. Let us know what happens in court. I hope whatever it is, its the best outcome for your son. Maybe relief that he is not going to jail?

    What you said about gaining the weight back in exchange for having things the way they used to be is a powerful statement (at least for any woman out there who’s had 40 extra pounds and would thinks it would make her happier if she lost it).

    I’m thinking of you.

  2. Sue G says:

    Sending you positive thoughts and prayers for peace of mind for you and an epiphany for your son. If only he would/could relate to how much this affects everyone who loves him!!!! Thinking of you.

  3. Madison Ryan says:

    I understand your post. If someone else in your life can determine whether or not you have peace, you’re liable to never have it again. Don’t give that peace away without a fight.

  4. DAWN M MCCOY says:

    I always think of this Cat Stevens song. sort of like Me, talking to my daughter the addict.

    Now that I’ve lost everything to you
    You say you want to start something new
    And it’s breaking my heart you’re leaving, baby I’m grieving
    But if you want to leave take good care
    Hope you have a lot of nice things to wear
    But then a lot of nice things turn bad out there

    Oh, baby, baby it’s a wild world
    It’s hard to get by just upon a smile
    Oh, baby, baby it’s a wild world
    I’ll always remember you like a child, girl

    You know I’ve seen a lot of what the world can do
    And it’s breaking my heart in two
    ‘Cos I never want to see you sad girl. don’t be a bad girl
    But if you want to leave take good care
    Hope you make a lot of nice friends out there
    But just remember there’s a lot of bad and beware

    Baby I love you
    But if you want to leave take good care
    Hope you make a lot of nice friends out there
    But just remember there’s a lot of bad and beware

  5. Lisa Carp says:

    My stress diet went the other way…I gained the 40 pounds you lost; and I agree with you; what a grand world it would be not to have had to deal with this horrible thing called addiction and the stress and pain it has put on everyone.

    Take care of yourself and look for pockets of peace in your life and embrace them, You need this. I will be praying for your son in hopes that the outcome will be what it needs to be. Hang in there.

  6. Ron Grover says:

    Happily ever after is just something that has been propogated by the fairy tale industry. We give Snow White, Cinderella and Prince Charming way to much credit.

    Mom, it is said time heals all wounds. We are fresh from not even allowing ourselves to think about tomorrow because we did not have confidence our son would make it that far. Each evening when mom and I laid down at night to sleep we often talked about if we thought our son would live through the night, wenever knew where he was or what he was doing. We once left for one week on a vacation and he was arrested 4 times in that week in 4 different jurisdictions. That was 2 years ago and he is just now getting through those issues, he still has community service hours in one city to do.

    Our son used anything he could but his drug of choice was opiates, oxycontin and black tar heroin. Eventually he wound up spending time in a state prison, he is 21 years old right now. Today he is alive and he has been clean for 3 months. We know that is small in the scope of everything and we still worry everyday but our joy is that we have today. That is happily ever after. We have learned to temper our expectations but the disappointments still sting.

    What is hard is our pain didn’t become manageable until we learned to take care of ourselves and saw the futility of “saving him”. He had to reach a place where we could help him and not save him. That sounds strange but their is a difference in that role and what we had to do. Some of this only comes with time but some comes with thinking about us and what we must do instead of being completely focused on him and making him the center of everything.

    Do some history reading on some of the blogs you have linked. You will see some of us were pretty desparate too. Sometimes it gets better and sometimes it doesn’t at least for a long time. There is hopelessness all over these blogs, you have not cornered the market. But your world is what you make it, not what he makes for you. When you are able to begin setting your boundaries you are able to do what I descibed when I began to understand. Good boundaries allow me to go where I wish to go not where my addict decides to take me. That is a huge leap from where you are now.

    • madyson007 says:

      I do not think I have cornered the market on hopelessness and I do read the blogs I have linked…yours included. This blog is not only a place for me to learn but a place for me to vent. These are my words screaming out loud, the good, the bad and the ugly. They are just my thoughts at that very moment and as you can see if you go back and read my blog, they can change on a dime. I am trying to get there Ron, to that place where my son does not determine my happiness but for me it is a slow process but I really am trying.

  7. I think about this often too – will there EVER be true peace? I don’t think so either. But by the same token, it won’t always be MY peace that I have to strive for. My son has a girlfriend. They’ve been together over 3 years. She is a wonderful person!! Great kid, good student, really has her head on straight (I’m still trying to figure out what she’s doing with the likes of my son – LOL). He wants to marry her. She, being a smart kid, is saying, “Not until I know for certain that you are clean.” But will she EVER really know for certain???? The point is, eventually it will become more HERS to worry about than MINE. Granted, I will always worry, because he’s my son. But SHE will have to deal with it if he falls, a lot more than I will.

    No, I don’t think there is ever true peace. There is only thankfulness for TODAY. Today, he is still alive. Today, there is still hope. You must learn to live for your todays – tomorrow will bring what it does, and we can’t change that. If we could figure out how, we’d all be rich!

  8. HerBigSad says:

    In my opinion, there is no state of “happily ever after”. My daughter may “get it” one day and truly seek recovery and work to maintain a state of being “in recovery”. She may not. I’m working on staying in today. Today, she is in a detox. She is breathing and I have hope!

    I have hope for your son also. I pray that what is best for him will transpire in court, and he will find his way.

    That being said (that there may not be happily ever after), I am finding that I can be content and peaceful, a high percentage of the time, regardless of my daughter’s chosen path. A book I just finished, recommended by Lou, mentions something along this line when it talks about how much better WE get, as we learn to take care of ourselves.

    “You’re okay with it, almost 24 hours a day. It’s just the odd few moments that are hard to get through, like the ones in the middle of the night when you awaken to find that the grief hasn’t really gone away – it’s just under smart new management.” The writer alludes that we may ache for what may have been, the celebrations, engagements, weddings, etc. These are celebrations of life that we’ll probably never get to enjoy (if our addict doesn’t find recovery). And then the writer ends with, “ALTHOUGH YOU NEVER KNOW!”

    (From Don’t Let Your Kids Kill You” by Charles Rubin. Got mine on Amazon, pretty darn cheaply!)

    For as long as she’s breathing, that will be my mantra. It may not look too good on any given day, but we NEVER KNOW how our addict’s final chapter will read! It’s not been written and we can hope (and most assuredly, we can pray) for a happy ending!

  9. anna says:

    All of these people have given you good advice. The first step in my unfortunate experience is realizing that your anguish does not benefit the addict. Your obsession and anguish does not help the addict but it hurts you and your other loved ones.

    You have sustained a major loss. It is just as painful as someone cutting off your leg. Now if someone did cut off your leg would you choose to never move again? Would you let yourself bleed to death? I bet you would patch it up the best you could and then get an artificial leg or a wheel chair. You will never have your actual leg back but you can get around. You will still have some phantom pain but you will know that there is nothing you can do about it and learn to cope.

    I read the book that Her Big Sad talks about and it did give me some good ideas. I feel your pain. My addict daughter is in active addiction. I would rather have her in jail right now then where she is.

    Addiction is our modern day plague. I think there are a lot more families affected than the statistics show. The statistics are saying one family in four has an addict.

    I hope this helps a little and tomorrow is a better day.

  10. Renee says:

    I am going to take a more positive spin. I think my daughter does get it and she is happier now without the drugs than she was for the past 6 years. I was an enabler and now will not and she knows that even though it is hard. She is in the early stages in recovery but as she said to me just earlier “MOM, when have I ever not achieved anything I put my mind to” and she is. Please just continue to pray that you son gets it because once he does the road will be easier but never over. It is forever but you can be happy and at peace. I hope someday that happens for all of us. I am not there yet, dont sleep, dont eat but gained your weight that you lost and worry all the time but she is doing well and that is all I can hope for right now. She has only been home for 31 days but is very involved in N/A and has been elected to some of the committees to help others. Keep the faith. I am so glad for these blogs because that has gotten me through these last 60 days of Hell. My daughter has also started going back to church so with God’s guidance we will stay on the road to recovery. I will pray for all of the addicts and their families that need help.

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