I think he is using again, his behavior is certainly screaming that. I am going to amend that by saying I know he is using. I am just kidding myself by trying to give him the benefit of the doubt. My guess, in his mind one last Hooray before he goes on Suboxone. Only we still don’t know if the Suboxone thing is going to work out or more importantly when. This newest relapse does not bode well for a successful outcome on Suboxone anyway, he may still not be ready. This is not a game, this is his life. Only he doesn’t seem to quite care about that very much. I feel such hate for the things that he does, it sometimes eats away at me. I don’t hate my son but I do hate this uncaring, selfish person that has invaded his body. I want to be detached and calm but I am just not mastering it right now. I read your blogs and I don’t know how you do it but I am going to learn. I am in awe over the way “Her Big Sad Blog” is handling her current situation. I can hear and feel the sadness in her words but also her calm resolve. I find myself popping over there and re-reading some of the things she has written, in the hopes that her outlook and vocabulary will sink into my thick fat head.
He has a court date on Monday and had remained clean for a little over a month. What on earth would make him decide to “use” 4 days before his court date? I just don’t understand this? Does he have no self preservation instinct at all. This drug is so evil. My first thought is to call a shelter and drive him there because he has worn out his welcome here and words of I am sorry are just that… stupid words. There is no rock bottom for a 20 year old who lives in a nice warm house with his computer, cell phone, and a car at his disposal. I am such a fool. I will keep you posted. I think I can see my rock bottom rushing up to bash me in the head. I hope my self preservation instinct starts kicking in soon. What is the point of all this?