Self Preservation…

I think he is using again, his behavior is certainly screaming that. I am going to amend that by saying I know he is using.  I am just kidding myself by trying to give him the benefit of the doubt. My guess, in his mind one last Hooray before he goes on Suboxone. Only we still don’t know if the Suboxone thing is going to work out or more importantly when. This newest relapse does not bode well for a successful outcome on Suboxone anyway, he may still not be ready. This is not a game, this is his life. Only he doesn’t seem to quite care about that very much. I feel such hate for the things that he does, it sometimes eats away at me.  I don’t hate my son but I do hate this uncaring, selfish person that has invaded his body. I want to be detached and calm but I am just not mastering it right now.  I read your blogs and I don’t know how you do it but I am going to learn.  I am in awe over the way “Her Big Sad Blog” is handling her current situation.  I can hear and feel the sadness in her words but also her calm resolve. I find myself popping over there and re-reading some of the things she has written, in the hopes that her outlook and vocabulary will sink into my thick fat head.

He has a court date on Monday and had remained clean for a little over a month. What on earth would make him decide to “use” 4 days before his court date? I just don’t understand this?  Does he have no self preservation instinct at all.  This drug is so evil. My first thought is to call a shelter and drive him there because he has worn out his welcome here and words of I am sorry are just that… stupid words. There is no rock bottom for a 20 year old who lives in a nice warm house with his computer, cell phone, and a car at his disposal.  I am such a fool.  I will keep you posted.  I think I can see my rock bottom rushing up to bash me in the head.  I hope my self preservation instinct  starts kicking in soon. What is the point of all this?

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About madyson007

I am a mom of 4 who thought she was home free with her oldest son when he went off to college. My serious blunder? Genetics and being naive or maybe just plain stupid.
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15 Responses to Self Preservation…

  1. Ron Grover says:

    We have all been there. You cannot help your son until you help yourself.

    I have one concern for you that you mentioned at the end. He has his car, phone etc. Car, he is driving under the influence? Is this his car or is it in your name? Our son’s car was in our name. In good conscious I could not allow him to drive a vehicle that was registered in my name while I knew he was an addict. I repo’ed the car. Took car and took it away to be stored someplace else. I could not live with myself if he had hurt someone. Same with the phone it was a part of our “family plan” that we had got while he was still in high school. I called and phone was shut off. This wasn’t punishment, this was just I do not have to pay for a lifestyle I do not support. It is about setting boundaries.

    It is time you set down calmly and look at setting boundaries for yourself. You cannot get to the place some of us are at including Her Big Sad without examining where you will go and where you won’t. This is about you first. What are your values and why are you letting your son impose his “values” on you.

    No he doesn’t have a self preservation instinct. Court, we stopped going to our son’s court dates. We did nothing wrong, it is humiliating to sit in a courtroom and frustrating to watch what is going on. Our son, on his own. My way of thinking, he didn’t want me around to keep him from committing the crime, whay should I go to support him when he was caught and time to pay the piper. How do we justify this, Mom and I do not violate rules and laws, our values are to follow the law. Our values set our boundaries, I don’t break the laws so I don’t have to go to court.

    This isn’t about being mean or spiteful, this is about doing what needs to be done for yourself so you can become a person that can help your addict when the time comes to help your addict.

  2. Madison Ryan says:

    It’s not necessarily a bad thing to have addicts distracted with thoughts of where a meal is coming from, how to pay for the phone and who is driving. Filling all those needs frees up the brain to worry about drugs. Addicts are very resourceful. You never hear about them starving to death.

  3. If I was counseling a parent in this situation, I would be thinking along these lines:

    You can take away his car, his cellphone, his computer and his warm house, but it won’t cause him to be in recovery.

    If your goal in taking these things away is to cause him to stop using, you are likely going to be disappointed.

    In fact, in the case of taking way his place to live, you will have made it more likely that he will use.

    Ron makes a good case for taking away the car. And if he uses the car for a drug deal the car could be seized by the police/government. The car may come in handy for work etc. once he is in recovery, which may be soon if he begins Suboxone treatment. Also, will he need transportation to treatment appointments?

    The cellphone and the computer are things he can live without too, but taking them away or letting him keep them is not going to make much of a difference either way. If taking them away at this point is just going to generate drama that interferes with getting him started in treatment, this may not be the time to focus on these side issues.

    Sometimes people are better off getting rid of their cellphone or changing the number if they are going to be getting lots of calls from people offering them drugs. This may be something to suggest to him once he starts treatment.

    Get him out of the house if that is a boundary you need for you or others in the home. But not because it will be a benefit to him.

    Young people who get kicked out of their parents homes go and stay with people who are using or who want something from them, and they use. They are less safe, and they have another barrier to recovery.

    Your duck is not in recovery, and he isn’t in treatment. He is going to walk like a duck until that changes. If he is using now, it doesn’t mean much in terms of whether or not he will be successful in treatment with Suboxone.

    I would keep my focus on getting him started in his treatment with Suboxone.

    If you need him to be out of the house, he will probably decide to go stay with friends who use. If he is willing, better options would be (in order):

    residential treatment
    youth shelter (many go up to age 21)
    halfway house
    adult shelter

  4. The people who write these blogs have been tremendous support to me, learning, inspirations, reality checks and friends. Not just the blogs, but the comments included. When there is something profound or that I admire, or that I hope to achieve myself, I often print it out. Many lives are similar, but only yours is uniquely your own. Take what works for you and your circumstances.

    I’ll be praying for you and your son. God bless.

  5. Renee says:

    It takes time for us parents to get to a point where we can detach and have some sort of peace in spite of our kids’ addiction. Everyone has a different path, different time frame, we are all on a similar path but each is very unique at the same time. Please know that a time will come that you will have more acceptance and peace, you will be able to set boundaries for yourself, not to ensure your son’s recovery. Be kind to yourself, take care of you, it is key. I know your frustration as I have just recently had any feelings of peace during all the turmoil and drama my son’s addiction has brought with it. I am keeping you in my prayers and your son as well. I do believe I would take some type of action regarding the car, otherwise, take your time and it will come to you.

  6. You are not a fool. Everything you wrote has been thought or felt by me and probably a lot of others. In fact, I could have written these exact words six months ago! You have some great comments her, and some wonderful examples to follow. Trust your own instincts because you know your son better than anyone and each situation is a bit different. I am thinking of you, praying for you and your son and caring about both of you.

  7. Renee says:

    I had to stop back by as I just put up a post that shows even after you find a way to have some peace, there are still days we falter. Thinking of you and sending light your way.

  8. This is exactly why, in my comment to you on the court-related post you put up recently, I said I would pray for the “correct” outcome in court.

    Sometimes the “correct” outcome is NOT the outcome your addict would want. For my addict, the “correct” outcome was 5 months in jail. 5 months of him NOT using, and deciding BY HIMSELF that he wanted to be clean, and subsequently entering rehab.

    Sometimes the “correct” outcome is painful for us parents to watch. It was very painful when my son got arrested, called me, and I had to tell him NO over and over and over when asked to bail him out.

    I will continue to pray for the correct outcome for your son – whatever that may be.

  9. HerBigSad says:

    Don’t be in awe. We’re flailing here just like any other brokenhearted parents. But do keep reading blogs and getting to meetings and soaking up the others’ experience, strength and hope.

    I’m especially partial to hope!

  10. LatheDude says:

    Wow! I was so sad to read your post today on a forum. It broke my heart.

    I agree that your son is the one who will need to determine when he is ready for recovery. Playing games with suboxone is not impossible – but since I’m on it – I can 10000% guarantee you of a couple of things.

    1- suboxone causes an addict to feel NO high. They, like me, feel ‘normal’ and that is strange after years of chasing the demons of opiates. I’m not taking about 2mg’s I’m talking about 8mg’s or more.

    2- suboxone doctors have seen it all. There are tests I have to do every time I visit. Urine tests. If there are games, then the determination is made by myself and the doctor if I’m serious, and if I need more/different support. I could also be ‘tossed out’ as well.

    Recovery for anyone who has opiate disease (and it’s classified as a disease) is fighting a long/hard battle.

    Your sanity is on the line. You have been manipulated, and played. All of us ‘addicts do it.’ It doesn’t matter whether we are 20 or 50. There is a discussion about how we become like 2 different people – one that is functional (public facing) – and another that chases opiates.

    If your son goes to jail, or goes to rehab – I hope you will find some peace. Inpatient or outpatient rehab involves accountability – that no good intentions on your part will bring out.

    I am wishing you all the best in these troubling times. I agree that it doesn’t matter if you take away the phone’s, the house, etc. All that will likely happen is – he will get out – move in – do whatever it takes to take full opiates – and avoid arrest. If he is willing to go to rehab – of his own desire – tired of letting you down – get counseling, etc., then you have a chance.

    It’s not like the movies. You can’t make him take recovery steps. I, personally, unless there were no choice, in any active addiction would EVER CHOOSE SUBOXONE. I have heard people say they take an ‘OPIATE’ holiday on it – but honestly, I’ve heard that mainly from people who are not on a full dose of suboxone. The reason is that the half life of the drug is 37 hours. At full dose, it’s probably 2 half lifes of the drug out of your system before heroin or other full opiates would really show effect. Again, this is under the assumption that the person was on – probably 8mg’s or more of suboxone. If I wanted to escape, I’d never take something that would take me away from my escape for 3 days (a holiday?)… Maybe your son did that as part of the manipulation. I can tell you with certainty, though, if he were in rehab, on suboxone, he would get UA’s and likely even be in a pill count mode.

    Addiction is a beast that sits in the background doing push-ups while we think we can just say no, and go back to ‘normal’… Letting people down, is a big trigger too. Feeling like you are a loser another trigger. If he is willing to work on his triggers and use suboxone to block his desire to use – then I would strongly vote you continue on the rehab course. He may relapse, but you will at least have a plan. Plans = sanity in my world.

    May you all emerge from this stronger and better – and may God make a path for your Son and your family for that. Amen.

    Wishing you well madyson, and many thoughts and prayers from us at the suboxforum.

  11. Syd says:

    I like to think that the point is my own preservation–my own life. If I am brought down because I let others ruin my life, then there are two lives that are wasted. Take care of yourself. I like the saying that others have their Higher Power and so do I.

  12. Kathy M. says:

    Hello. I’ve just discovered your blog, and what you write feels so familiar. I’m a member of Al-Anon, and my daughter is my qualifier. Being the parent of an addict is a tough gig. I have no doubt, however, that you will find the answers. We all find them in our own time and in our own way. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

  13. Sheila says:

    I just found out that my daughter is using again too, and breaking all kinds of house rules, and sneaking around to see addict boyfriend, and not even trying to hide it any more. I was stunned but not really too surprised.

    Luckily for both of us, the day after she broke a bunch of rules and then rubbed our faces in it, I was scheduled to go away on a long weekend with my best friend. I had time to relax and be myself again, while husband held the fort and dealt with the drama.

    Now that I’m back, I’m pretty sure she’s losing her car privileges for a very, very long time, maybe forever. We just got the car for her a month ago (we got mother-in-law’s old unused car fixed up for daughter to use).

    • madyson007 says:

      So sorry Sheila. :o( I went to leave a message on your blog but couldn’t find it. We can commiserate together and then make a plan. I am working on that plan right now… I hope it all works out for us both and for us all. I really want that happily ever after but not sure there really is one for an addict and family. I think it is just a long, long road with many peaks and valleys and no end in site.

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