I am reaching the end…

I have never wanted to let my son hit a rock bottom that would profoundly impact his future.  I am beginning to realize he will not hit rock bottom if it doesn’t profoundly effect his future.  How sad is that?  I need him to move out.  I need him not to be a part of our lives.  I don’t care if he needs to live in a homeless shelter but he can not live here anymore.  I think every addict starts with a free pass card.  We make excuses for them, we enable them and just generally fix things for them while contorting our own lives.  That free pass card starts at 100%…united we stand, we would do anything to help yada yada yada.  Slowly an addict starts chipping away at that 100% free pass.  He relapses, he steals, he gets in trouble with the law and he lies.  That is the biggest one for me…the lying.   My son can look me in the eyes and lie so convincingly, I will give him my car or money for gas or a ride etc…  All the time me believing in him and him lying again and Again and AGAIN!  I can not make him care or to be a better person or to do the right thing.  I just get to watch him do the same crappy things over and over again.  Is this some kind of cruel trick GOD?  His free pass has expired only he doesn’t know it yet.

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About madyson007

I am a mom of 4 who thought she was home free with her oldest son when he went off to college. My serious blunder? Genetics and being naive or maybe just plain stupid.
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13 Responses to I am reaching the end…

  1. Sue G says:

    This isn’t a trick. And this certainly isn’t God. This is addiction.

    You are making a priceless and difficult move. It won’t be easy. He will push every button you have. And you will push your own mommy buttons telling yourself that whatever happens to him after he leaves is your fault. It isn’t. None of this is.

    There is a reason they call this tough love…because it’s the toughest thing you will ever do. But his recovery has to be something HE wants. HE has to find a way to like himself, to feel worthy and valuable. We already know he has value because he is a beloved child of God. But we can’t know that for him. We can just hold on to it until he is ready to know it for himself.

    I will pray for you. You will need support from friends, or loved ones, or professionals. Perhaps all of them. Don’t be like your son. Get the help you need to remain strong, committed, and to know how to travel this path.

    God bless.

  2. Elephant says:

    how did the appointment go ?

  3. Lisa Carp says:

    I just found your blog. You are not alone…remember you are not alone. We are all in different stages of learning to live with the addiction of a son or daughter. At one time or another, we have all made our lives spiral out of control in an attempt to love our addicts into recovery. How many times I said out loud to my son, “I don’t understand. If you truly love me, you would not do these things!”

    There are convincing lies, there is stealing, there is manipulation, there is actions that turn our stomachs, sometimes there is police action, sometimes there is crisis like overdoses. God willing, there is survival, but not necessarily recovery. And sometimes there is recovery. The truth is though, that all those things are the drugs, the addiction and not the person. Being able to separate the two allows you to continue to love the person (hopefully with the appropriate amount of distance) while they work on recovery. It is their journey to take. Our journey as parents and loved ones is to work on our own issues and keep ourselves and our families healthy and connected.

    I didn’t mean to be so wordy! You are not alone.

  4. You may be interested in a recent post I did on my blog about the concept of “hitting bottom.”

    “Tough love” is not effective in supporting recovery, and it can be destructive.

    It’s fine and appropriate for a parent to set boundaries to protect themselves and their family. Most sons and daughters recognize this need. It would be helpful to express this need in a loving way.

    This is different than withholding healthy communication, healthy contact or appropriate supports based on the mistaken idea that this will further recovery.

  5. Debby says:

    I am so glad that you left a comment on my blog. You need hugs. You need support. I am sending out a 9-1-1 to my blogger friends, and I am adding you to my blog roll.
    Please don’t beat yourself up. Been there, done that, still doing it. I need time to read more, to find out what has happened. I can pretty much guess. Addicts are master manipulators. They CAN look right into your eyes and lie. The addiction is stronger than anything else. My son told me, that his only thought was how to get his next fix. He says he hated lying, but his need to use was too powerful.
    May God fill you with encouragement and hope. We are here.
    Please write ANYtime.
    Debby

  6. Barbara says:

    What Sue G said is so true. Its not him, its his addiction that is causing him to lie to you. This post sounds so much like me not that long ago. I feel for you, and for your son.

    Its horrible what addiction does to families. I admit I got VERY mad at God and still do sometimes. But really there’s no one to blame. Of course the addict made the choice to use the drugs in the first place, but I don’t think any of them WANT to be addicted, it just happens and then its like they are owned by the drug.

    I felt like my son was invaded by some evil person – he was not the boy I raised. He was a liar, violent, lazy, dirty….where was my boy????

    My philosophy about hitting bottom is different than a lot of people’s. I was afraid for my son it would be death…nothing seemed to stop him UNTIL he got arrested. That was the best thing that could have happened to him! It sounds crazy but it got him off drugs and into rehab. It forced those things, and so far so good.

    I’m so sorry your family has to go through this. Its so draining, so heart wrenching. I will be thinking about you and praying for you.

  7. came over by way of Debbies blog, wanted to let you know i have read a couple of your posts and you are in my prayers. i would like to apologize to you personally for all the heartache your addict is putting you through. see i am an addict, i have been clean 5 years now and i really put my mom through the ringer. it wasn’t until i went to jail and got clean by force that i realized i needed help. by the grace of God none of the felony charges stuck, i had a good lawyer.
    anyway if you don’t mind i will stop by from time to time and keep you in my prayers and thoughts.

  8. madyson007 says:

    If look on Sub Forum you will see a more complete explanation. I am just not ready to write about it yet on here but, I will soon.

    • RENEE says:

      You are not alone and God isn’t playing a trick, it is the addiction. I really appreciate your analogy of the 100% pass, and then the percentage just dwindling until it hits a negative number. This disease is heartbreaking and it just sucks, no getting around that part. I have grieved more than I ever thought I could stand to, and still do at times. I am praying for you and your framily, we are here to support you and seek out any support you can, whether it be meetings, counseling, family, church, friends, etc. Do not beat yourself up, it is a waste of your energy and there is no need, you didn’t cause it, can’t cure it and can’t control it. Blessings.

  9. Ron Grover says:

    Hello Mom,

    My name is Ron and I am the father of a 21 year old addict.

    I found your blog because another blogger whom I read and write to often ask me to visit. I really hate to say it but, welcome to our club, parents of an addict.

    After reading all of your posts there are so many things I would like to respond too but you have to know there are no answers to “why”, there only “is”. Our son has been an addict for 6 years. He began small with pot and stuff and got to eventually injecting oxy and smoking heroin. The news today is he is clean. He is doing it because he wants to not because of us, his mom and I.

    Debby, the referer, ask me to write you a few words to help you. If only it was that easy. You are doing what helped me the most over the last year, writing. I wrote about our sons addiction, about our trials as parents, about my feelings and about some of the horrible things we did out of his addiction. I would mostly encourage you to continue writing. Also continue reading others blogs that are dealing with the same issues. I am going to link you to some of my writings that have dealt with some of the issues you are writing about now. In addition, a while back I was ask to write articles for “The Partnership For A Drug Free America”. I will link you to those too. Plus feel free to write me privately any time you want, teamplayer@aol.com.

    Our personal blog is: http://www.parentsofanaddict.blogspot.com

    The first link is about being the parent of an addict: http://intervene.drugfree.org/2009/11/7-truths-about-my-addict-that-took-5-years-to-learn/

    This is about riding yourself of the shame and guilt: http://intervene.drugfree.org/2010/01/help-your-child-by-overcoming-your-shame/

    This is about “bottom” what is bottom? : http://parentsofanaddict.blogspot.com/2010/01/hitting-bottom.html

    You, your husband and family need to set boundaries, they are for you not your son: http://intervene.drugfree.org/2010/01/the-key-to-dealing-with-my-son%e2%80%99s-drug-addiction-setting-boundaries-for-myself/

    I don’t want to overwhelm you. Just keep writing and reading. Take care of yourself, your son must take of himself. Plus I know it is a big stress but don’t sweat the lying. That is what addicts do, they LIE, ALL THE TIME! Just learn not to fall for it. We believe the lies because we want the reality to be different. It is what it is.

  10. Syd says:

    I too am sorry for the pain but addicts and alcoholics lie. They will do whatever they can to keep the addiction going. It is up to me to take care of myself and not believe everything that I am told. I can set boundaries to help me. I would encourage you to attend Al-Anon or Nar-Anon meetings. They will help you to learn to keep the focus on yourself.

  11. Sheila says:

    I felt a lot better once I stopped giving or lending my daughter money. She can earn some by helping with hard work around the house, like lawnmowing or snowshoveling. And I will gas up her car for her once a week so she can go to community college and see her friends. My husband and I keep our wallets locked up, because we know she stole money from us – and she looked us right in the eye and lied about it when we confronted her.

    You might find the following links helpful:

    http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/friends-family-substance-abusers/191521-7-truths-parents-addicts.html

    http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/friends-family-substance-abusers/138430-what-addicts-do.html

    http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/best-soberrecovery/141162-looking-let-me-fall.html

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