He had been clean for about 2 months and we are now back to day 1 and counting. He feels such shame. If I am honest with myself, I am also ashamed of him…maybe shame isn’t the exact word but this is certainly nothing I am prepared to share with the world in real life. Is that shame? I don’t think he wakes up and says today I think I am going to “use”. Why would anyone choose to be an addict??? It’s a horrible life filled with selfishness, pain, self loathing, and destruction. Who in their right mind would choose that? Genetics are a very scary truth on both sides of our family. In fact you might say our children have hit the genetic substance abuse lottery. I am so frightened for my other three children, one in particular. My 10 year old daughter is very similar in temperament and personality to her oldest brother. I sometimes seriously wonder if I am going to survive this war and war is exactly what it feels like. I have lost 35 pounds in a year, people say I look marvelous! I want to scream at them can you not see I am in pain? I know they can’t because I wear my perky smile and hide the dark shadows under my eyes with makeup. I go to work and go about my business but make no mistake I am suffering right along with my beautiful son who I refuse to give up on.
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