Ground Zero and Genetics…

He had been clean for about 2 months and we are now back to day 1 and counting.  He feels such shame.  If I am honest with myself, I am also ashamed of him…maybe shame isn’t the exact word but this is certainly nothing I am prepared to share with the world in real life.   Is that shame? I don’t think he wakes up and says today I think I am going to “use”.  Why would anyone choose to be an addict???  It’s a horrible life filled with selfishness, pain, self loathing, and destruction.  Who in their right mind would choose that?  Genetics are a very scary truth on both sides of our family.  In fact you might say our children have hit the genetic substance abuse lottery.  I am so frightened for my other three children, one in particular.  My 10 year old daughter is very similar in temperament and personality to her oldest brother.  I sometimes seriously wonder if I am going to survive this war and war is exactly what it feels like.  I have lost 35 pounds in a year, people say I look marvelous!  I want to scream at them can you not see I am in pain?  I know they can’t because I wear my perky smile and hide the dark shadows under my eyes with makeup.  I go to work and go about my business but make no mistake I am suffering right along with my beautiful son who I refuse to give up on.

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About madyson007

I am a mom of 4 who thought she was home free with her oldest son when he went off to college. My serious blunder? Genetics and being naive or maybe just plain stupid.
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3 Responses to Ground Zero and Genetics…

  1. Laura says:

    Hello

    I know how you are feeling…

    We are dealing with our own personal hell. Not drug issues. But genetic issues. Our daughter is dying becuase I spread something to our child I did not know I had..

    It is painful. Put on a plastic face to show the outside world how fine one is. Once inside your home you can remove it.
    I know all to well.

    My thoughts and prayers are with you.

    I did email you and never herd back, so I take it you wish to be left alone. I will respect that and will not make contact again, via email.

    Laura – Tinkerbells mommy

  2. madyson007 says:

    I never got the email…I will look again. Sorry about that and thank you for reading my story. It really is comforting to think some one does hear my words.

  3. Laura says:

    You may want to look in your junk mail? But it maybe gone by now. Not sure how long junk mail is held for.

    I did but “Blog” as the subject.

    Laura – Tinkerbells mommy

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