I was looking at Valentine’s Day cards today for my husband and had some, well for lack of a better word…difficulties. They are all divided into categories like, romance, humor, children and a ton of other sub categories like husbands, kids and wives. Each year, I enjoy finding a special card for my husband that will mean something to us both. Promises are written, love professed and whispers of future passion. So, why could I not bring myself to buy a single card for my husband? Why could I not find anything that rang true. I could not find a single card in “Romance” that felt right…Heck I couldn’t find a humorous one.  Are these feelings temporary or have my feelings for my husband some how changed? What is different? I can’t seem to put my finger on it and it scares me.

I have been surprisingly feeling very low. I really thought this letting go thing would be much easier on my aching heart than it really has turned out to be. I ache on many different levels. I am worried about choices my other other children are making or should I say not making. They are so young and I just want to do the right thing by them. I really feel like I am failing everyone right now. I am not being a very good mother nor am I being a very good wife.

Just feels hard lately…

I often feel compelled to write a note to the garbage man saying, “It is my husband who likes Budwiser…and those are not my cans”

Yesterday, I drove J to a lab for a drug test. It was a requirement for a job opportunity.  I knew he was clean and neither of us were worried. He seems more hopeful and helpful…like he can sense that he will have some self-worth back and a new purpose. The original post I wrote was mean-spirited and bitter. I wasted my time  creating something filled with so much negativity and whining. I have always thought venting was a release and needed but I am not so sure about that anymore.

This must be a small part of letting go because I don’t want to invest in those terrible and destructive thoughts anymore. I want to let him invest in himself and I will take care of myself. I tell my kindergarten kids EVERY SINGLE DAY. You are not the boss of anyone…you are only in charge of your own thoughts and decisions. Funny how I could not internalize that for myself. Kindergartener’s can be a bossy bunch…they want to tell their friends how to feel, what to do, where to sit and what to think.

I guess I am a bossy parent of an addict because I wasted a good part of two years trying to do just that. Just remind me, to refer to this post when I start whining again because I am sure that day will come. Hell, it could be as soon as tomorrow. LOL

Ugh…when I read that back,  I sound like one of those poor sick woman getting beaten and then say but “I love him and I must have deserved it…”. I really am a strong intelligent woman just not sure where I am going with this. This post started out about a meeting and turned into something else. Does that ever happen to you? This feels a little like a stream of consciousness thing…which is a bunch of garbled gobbley gook.

I guess the point of this post is…I am going to search for a meeting that feels right because this one wasn’t it. I think partly why I can not feel comfortable is that only the subject of alcoholism comes up and our lives involve so much more than that. I didn’t want to talk in a closed meeting because…well umm because it was closed? If that makes sense. I just think I could find another meeting with more diversity. The only Nar-anon meeting is a good 45-50 minutes away on Monday nights only….Monday’s suck. I wish it was closer because I liked this one a lot.

I will keep looking…

Kind of a bummer of a day…but it really could be much worse. So I will be thankful that I navigated through the day without completely falling apart.

My oldest daughter is in a relationship that she sees as normal. It is not. He comes from a messed up family that is every bit as dysfunctional as ours. He is a nice boy with some great qualities but he comes with his own baggage and a lot of it. I just wanted so much more for her. I think unconsciously she feels she is unworthy of a healthy normal relationship, where she is treated with respect and treasured as a gift. Or more likely she doesn’t recognize that what she has is not normal. I don’t want to share that part of her life on here because it would hurt her deeply…so I will not go into details. Out of the four of my children she is me….she is the one that tries to do right. She is the one who really just wants to be invisible, do the right thing always and not do anything that might be construed as bad. She is everyone’s everything…my shining star, her fathers biggest hope and a faithful sister to all her siblings except maybe J. She loves J she just doesn’t know it right now. All she sees is the hell of addiction that emanates from all things J…sober or using those memories are clear.

My 12-year-old obsessively turns to her friends for companionship. She would really rather be anywhere but here. When we do allow her to have friends over she is compulsive about cleaning the house and making sure everyone is on their best behavior. She lives in fear that we will embarrass her beyond repair. I worry about what or who she seeks out for comfort or release from the anxiety and tension that covers are house like a fine mist working its way into all the nooks and crannies of her life…all of our lives.

Addiction is so rooted into our lives that it is whats normal. My husband and his childhood, My brother and my childhood, my son and now my other children are all tangled up in roots that are so deep that to untangle or cut and sever could quite possibly damage the core of this family and make it unrecognizable. How do you stop a cycle that has been perpetuated for generations.  I love my family and make no mistake I love my husband dysfunction and all. Do I destroy a family, a marriage, our lives in an attempt to stop the dysfunction? I am really at a loss here. This seems like an all or nothing kind of decision…because I don’t know how to allow my husbands addiction to continue while throwing my son out for his.

I want to make this very clear. This blog is mainly about my son’s addiction.  BUT This post goes much deeper than that. I will take responsibility in my choice to perpetuated dysfunction by choosing a union with my husband that continues to spread those roots of addiction into my children’s lives. I LOVE my husband and excepted him for who he is, my biggest mistake is not understanding how insidious addiction is and how it would continue to haunt our lives and dig deep roots that continue to spread into my children’s lives and most likely beyond. Truly this is my biggest blunder…

Maybe I am going about this all wrong…maybe I should go through life in an altered state. Maybe that is the answer. I don’t drink, smoke or take anything more heavy than a Tylenol PM. I have always felt the need to remain sober. I think it is a reaction to my husbands “issues” that were certainly there for me to see before we got married which I chose to ignore. Actually I don’t think I ignored them at all…it just must have seemed normal to me…after all I had grown up with an addict in the next bedroom. A constant state of anxiety was a way of life.  My brothers addiction had such tragic consequences that it left an undeniable imprint on my soul. My oldest brothers addiction was so all consuming of my parents attention, that I felt I had to be perfect.

Perfect when I was little meant being invisible…trying hard not to draw attention with any behavior that could be construed as bad. I look back now and think, how anxious and tense I was a good part of my childhood. Perfect now means being a good mother and a good wife…ENABLING. I think if I can’t stop the enabling maybe I should try dulling it with a little white wine. Passing through life blissfully unaware and not caring has to be much easier than dealing with all this BULLS#*T.